Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Worst Halloween Treats You Can Receive

As candy goes, Rockets are not all so bad, but like rice in your burrito, it's basically a filler. These tablets of pressed sugar are nothing to be excited about, and you'll be lucky to amass enough of these to trade for real treats.

Mellocreme Pumpkins
An example of sweet gone wrong. Eating one is enough to make an average child sick, and three or more will guarantee diabetes.

Many a child's Halloween have been ruined to find that they were given dried fruit. This 'treat' even tries to warn eaters by clumping together and fusing to the inside of the box, but dozens of children still consume them and burst into tears every year.

Plain No Name Potato Chips
In the last decade far too many parents have resorted to giving out mini bags of potato chips as a substitute for creativity. Each bag contains 2-3 broken chips and deceptively fills a pillowcase. A child looks to Halloween as a chance to delight in a series of special candies and sweet treats, not to eat several hundred bags of the most common snack food available.

I'm not talking about carnival style candied apples that make a mess of everything, the king of this list is the plain boring ass apple. While receiving apples for Halloween is a good way to discern the squares in your neighborhood, it's the equivalent of getting socks for Christmas. As we all know, eating healthy food on October 31st is a good way to be banished, and apples have caused so much trouble that people even began the "razor blade" rumor in the hopes that this hell fruit would cease being a Halloween giveaway.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Saddest Animated Films

The Land Before Time (1988)
A story of an orphaned brontosaurus and other young dinosaurs traveling through a ruined world in search of family and a promised land. With weeping dinosaurs and a haunting score this movie would have found a higher place on this list had its value not decreased due to the 400 sequels it's spawned.

The Fox and the Hound (1981)
What really makes this movie so sad (besides the entire second half of the movie) is the scene where the widow Tweed brings the fox to the woods to leave him behind. I just have to think about that scene and I get a lump in my throat.

Dumbo (1941)
A movie where a cute and goofy looking baby elephant is teased, picked on, shunned, and laughed at. The central depressing moment is when Dumbo's mother is locked up for trying to protect her son from the torment of being different. Next comes a gut-wrenching scene in the rain with Dumbo going to see his caged mother. If you don't know this scene, then you don't know true sorrow.

An American Tail (1986)
Wow, I remember watching this movie several times as a child, and looking back I've no idea why. It's super depressing in so many ways. First off, it's a movie about an immigrant family of Russian mice traveling to America, and their son, Fievel, becomes lost at sea along the way. From there it's Fievel going from one filthy and dreary locale to the next in search of his parents (always just missing them) and encountering a slew of weird, misleading, and frightening characters. Along with the depressing music, and songs like Somewhere out there, this movie is one of the most depressing cartoons ever created.

Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
Okay, right off the bat, this is a list of one, because Grave of the Fireflies makes the other four movies on this list look like a Blue`s Clues Christmas Special. The movie documents the struggle of a young boy and his four year old sister fighting to survive in Japan during World War II. It`s the only animated film I can think of that I would describe as tragic, but as sad as it is, I recommend it to anyone who hasn`t seen it, because it`s a phenomenal piece of film-making. If you can watch the entire movie and not shed a tear, then you have no soul. Period.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Most Hilarious Quotes From Batman: The Movie (1966)

Let the Drunks Die
Robin: "You risked your life to save that riffraff in the bar?"
Batman: "They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're also human beings ... and may be salvaged(?)"

Saved By a Dolphin
Robin: "Gosh Batman, the nobility of the almost human porpoise."
Batman: "True, Robin. It was noble of that animal to hurl himself in the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours!"

Solving the Riddle
Robin: "That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!"
Batman: [reading] "'What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?'"
Robin: An egg!
Batman: [reading] "'How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?'"
Robin: "Make apple sauce!"
Batman: "Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future."
Robin: "A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!"
Batman: "Precisely, Robin!"

The 'F' Bomb
Riddler: "You think you're pretty clever don't you, Mr. Wayne?"
Wayne: "Clever enough to outwit you, you stupid @*%$!"

Note: In this scene Bruce Wayne does not use the 'f' word, but actually says 'you stupid thug'. However! It sounds so much like he is swearing at the Riddler that it had to be included on this list. The first time I watched it, I almost died laughing. Check it for yourself and be the judge.

Quench It!
Penguin: "I must say that your laboratory exceeds the limits of man's wildest imaginations ... absolutely. And could I trouble you for a glass of water? Your bat gas seems to have left me with a somewhat parched sensation."
Batman: "Over there! The drinking water dispenser is clearing marked."
Penguin: "Thank you. Thank you, sir."
Batman: "Help yourself, Commodore. Slake your thirst. You'll have worse than a parched sensation when we're through with you!"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Best Stand-up Comedy Specials

Vicious Circle (2006)- Dane Cook
Cook talks about relationships, breaking into a stranger's house, having a one night stand, going to the movies, and a ton of other hilarious stuff in his direct and quirky way.

Skanks for the Memories (2003) - Dave Attell
This comedy album contains just about every single great bit from the mind of Dave Attell. It's dark comedy and random as hell, each joke starting tame and then exploding like an obscene firework. You're either going to be offended or keeling over with laughter.

XXL Tour (2005) - Lee Evans
A show where Evans talks about ... well, everything. A two hour affair where Evans is a nonstop blur of physical comedy energy. I'm pretty sure he sweats the equivalent of his weight. Also, he wraps up the show with two musical numbers he wrote, revealing that this crazy bastard can also really sing.

I Walked on the Moon (2004) - Brian Regan
If you don't know this guy, stop reading this and track down some of his work. Regan preforms amazingly constructed bits on everyday topics, where every sentence is quotable and each expression on his face is hilarious. The first time I watched this show I nearly suffered liver failure I was laughing so hard.

Jammin' in New York (1992) - George Carlin
Yeah, I really couldn't get around giving Carlin the top spot. He talks about war, airlines, his solution for homelessness, and the state of the planet. The material is hilarious and thought-provoking - it's a comedy legend at his best.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Movies that Wasted Their Potential

Super Mario Bros. : The Movie (1993)
I'm not saying that this movie should have been amazing or groundbreaking, but there's something to be said for using source material. This movie wasted nearly every opportunity to be like the video games, which is what the audience was essentially expecting. Seeing this as a child, I convinced myself that it was entertaining, but really it was incredibly weird in a way that only had tenuous connections to the game franchise. What a waste.

Fantastic Four (2005)
A movie about a bunch of awesome superheroes with awesome superpowers. How could you go wrong? Well, it turns out there are many ways. The key thing that makes this movie so bad is that it should have been running over with incredible action sequences and superhero combat, but instead the first half of the movie is wasted showing how the four acquire their powers, and the second half is wasted watching them bitch and moan about having powers. Boo-hoo, I'm different. Blow up a building already! If I wanted to watch a movie about superheroes as whiny outcasts, I'll watch the X-Men trilogy.

Timeline (2003)
I'm sure many people watched this and were at least partially entertained, but this movie (adapted from one of my favorite novels) is horrendously below the mark it should have achieved. The novel itself has action, drama, and intrigue, so much so that it reads with the pacing of a movie. The actual movie, however, decided to change about a hundred things, chop out subplots, characters, scenes, and about two thirds of the events that make the story so compelling and exciting. They hired D grade actors to poorly portray characters that are mere shadows of the author's original vision. A true example of fixing something til it breaks.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
The third film of the Matrix series lacked everything that made the first (and to a lesser extent, the second) film so awesome. My biggest problem is that there was nothing new introduced at all. No new characters, new enemies, new conflicts. Plus the main story isn't resolved in a likable way, and most action sequences are rehashed versions of previous ones. Where's the payoff? We wait three movies to see the final show down of man vs. machine in the last city of Zion, and all we get is people shooting squid-bots with bullets. And then ... they shoot more squids. And finally, they shoot even more squids. The original Matrix film was exciting, groundbreaking, and highly stylized, but this finale to the trilogy completely screwed it up. Not only did this movie waste its potential to cap off a wicked trilogy, it was so bad, it makes me dislike aspects of the first two. Egads.

Lord of the Rings (Animated, 1978)
I'll admit that it's not surprising a film could fall short of capturing the grandness of Tolkien's literature, but this film is practically mocking it. It took Peter Jackson and the entirety of New Zealand hundreds of millions of dollars and many years to make "The Lord of the Rings" come to life, and every bit of that effort is clearly on the screen. The 1978 version looks like it was animated by a series of junior high students, who weren't communicating with one another, and many of whom had no arms. The animation is really horrible, half the characters are so homely or stupid looking you want to cry. It wasted tons of time on pointless scenes, and leaped over gigantic parts of the novels, dissolving to an end part way through the second book. The characters are wrong and the world is strange. The only value this movie has, is the material it provides for ridicule.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Songs that use the word "Yeah" a lot

She Loves You - The Beatles
A group that always pushed the musical boundaries in exciting ways, their song used the word a whole 29 times. A few more and they would have exceeded the 30 'yeah' limit enforced at the time on all songs and faced going to jail.

Lithium - Nirvana
Although not an astounding amount of 'yeahs', this song was able to fit in 39 of them. Though, Kurt Cobain sang them from the gut and that should make each the equivalent of 2-3 normal 'yeahs'.

Man on the Moon - R.E.M.
A favorite song of many, this tune kept stacking yeah on top of yeah until a grand total of 56 was reached. Hats off to you, Mr. Stipe. Few artists have been able to sing more than 50 'yeahs' in a song without developing a stutter.

Yeah - Usher
In 2004, Usher released this single, hardly masking his intent to make a song with a shitload of 'yeahs' in it. The song managed a stunning 70 yeah count, and the nation was enthralled. However, scientists are still debating whether or not it qualifies as a music.

Man Research - Gorillaz
A song that puts all others to shame for even trying to use yeah excessively. This song has 164+ 'yeahs' in it, perhaps more if the singer had bothered to sing more clearly. The group had originally wanted to have more than 200 but during a debut performance, two members succumbed to yeahing-lung and were hospitalized.