Friday, November 28, 2008

Movies That Make You Want A Sword

5. Any Zorro Movie
The original man in black (take that, Cash) and original roof-hopping masked vigilante (and that, Batman) was a great rider. He was also a pretty nifty acrobat. But what made The Fox legendary was his swordplay. He was so deft and fancy he routinely made his opponents look like idiots. I don't think there have been any truly bad Zorro movies. Not mainstream ones anyway. The thing they all have in common is that after watching them, they leave me wanting to dance around like a fool: en guard! parry, parry, thrust!

4. Highlander (1986)
Mostly what this film taught me was that you just aren't going to get anything done without a sword. Guns are cool and all but you've got to decapitate to take care of business.

3. The Muskateer (2001)
Sure it's in no way historically accurate or realistic but it definitely makes swordfighting look awesome. The final fight, complete with falling ladders, is not to be missed.

2. Ninja Scroll (1993)
I guess everyone wants to be a ninja. I know I do. There are some dazzling shots of Jube's katana flashing in the sunlight as he battles his foes that really show skilled swordsmanship for what it is: poetry in motion. The battle in the bamboo forest with the blind warrior is pretty breathtaking. Always remember to have a thin cord attached to your sword's hilt so that you never lose it.

1. Kill Bill Volume 1 (2003)
This one really needs no explanation but hey, it's my job. Katanas are definitely the coolest kinds of swords. Even their sheaths are badass and play a part in the fighting. You've got to love how in this movie, being part of the Yakuza means that in addition to getting all the free pizza you want, you also get a katanna that fits right onto your motorcycle. Unfortunately it also means getting dismembered by The Bride and her superior Hatori Hanzo (spellcheck) sword. Like many movies before it, but perhaps in even better fashion, Kill Bill One drives home the point (sorry, couldn't resist) that there is no cooler or more personal a way to kill someone than with a sword.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Best Sandwiches With No Meat

Toasted Tomato

The perfect sandwich for an afternoon snack, comprised of sliced tomato on toast with a slathering of mayo and ample fresh ground pepper. Guaranteed to latch onto your taste buds and headbutt them.

Grilled Cheese

A classic in the sandwich world, it proves that sliced process cheese does serve a purpose, although real cheese does enhance the experience. The gooey melty goodness can be the foundation for many possibilities, such as adding tomato, olive, spaghetti sauce, mushrooms, onions, or sliced meat. Also, if your eating the plain grilled cheese without dipping it in applesauce, your doing it all wrong. Get with the program already!

Apple, Cheddar, and Jam

Critically acclaimed as the perfect breakfast sandwich, it's was first put together in 1930 when a clever chef decided to make the perfect breakfast sandwich. The trifecta of deliciousness is simply strawberry jam, sliced apple, and sharp cheddar cheese on toast. Warning! If you skimp on the cheese and go for something low quality or of a 'whiz' variety, a portal will open and you will be drawn into a dimension of darkness.

Holiday Defeat
Also known as the Super Carb Attack Sandwich, it's the one you make in the middle of the night comprised of the leftovers from Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner (turkey excluded). It's most delicious when hastily make in the dark and may include dressing/stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, sweet yams, and turnips.

Peanut Butter and Jelly
Ranked as the most popular use of peanut butter with jelly, this sandwich is the only one in history ever to be knighted. Famous for being supremely satisfying and easy to make - even a one-armed man can do it in 40 seconds - it will go down in history as the poor man's steak.