Friday, March 27, 2009

Annoying Nintendo Characters

Well, since this seems to be the month of game related lists, I might as well join in. I think the title is pretty self explanatory, so let's do this thing!

5. The Lesser Kongs: Dixie and Kiddy
These pointless characters appeared in the Donkey Kong Country Trilogy for the SNES, specifically in the final two installments. I've played all three, and I'm a big fan of the first one. Playing as Donkey Kong and his sidekick Diddy Kong was a real blast, but then someone decided the sequels should have less and less to do with Donkey Kong. The second one had Diddy and Dixie Kong trying to save Donkey, and the third one ended up with Dixie and Kiddy Kong searching for both Donkey and Diddy.

It's a little confusing, but basically each successive title moved further away from the original game and the playable characters. Ultimately it shouldn't make much of a difference, with all the characters playing basically the same. But when I pick up a game called Donkey Kong Country, I don't want to play as Donkey's stupid infant cousins. Those games needlessly invented a whole slew of bullshit characters, and it was tolerable at first, but when they started taking centre stage it became damn annoying.

4. The Green Glutton: Yoshi
Yoshi is the sort of character you can have mixed feelings about. On one hand, he's appeared in several great games, and on the other hand, he's a useless moron.

To start, I love Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island. It's one of my favourite games ever, and it stars Yoshi. The whole game is so well executed and designed that Yoshi suits the game play entirely. But when he debuted in the first Super Mario World he felt like a gimmick. Admit it, most of the time you used him much like you'd use a shield, ... to take a hit. Or you'd ride him off a cliff and spring off his back to make a difficult jump while he falls to his doom. Essentially you can play the whole game fine without him, because he's a not so much a character, but an item. Yet people seem to love this ever-consuming dinosaur in boots.

Besides being a disposable upgrade, Yoshi is also constantly making some of the most retarded noises in gaming history. When he jumps and flails though the air he sounds like a cross between a dog's chew toy and Elmo taking a shit. That's not cute at all. At this point I have to give in and accept the fact that Yoshi is a fixed character in the Mario Universe, but I still insist that he is annoying and doesn't deserve the popularity he's received.

3. The Dipshit in Distress: Slippy
Slippy is proof that amphibians should not be piloting spacecrafts of any kind. In a game where your team of fellow pilots should be assisting your efforts, Slippy spends most his time getting attacked, captured, or dead. And you can be sure he's gonna keep telling you about it.

In the original Starfox game, Slippy wasn't too bad, since he sounded a bit like electronic gargling when he "talked". But in Starfox 64 we got to hear his girlish, shrill, aggravating voice plenty. When you get right down to it, it was more satisfying to just let this yelping inept frog get shot down.

2. The Creepy Fairy Wannabe: Tingle
Maybe you're surprised that Navi the fairy from Ocarina of Time didn't make the list, but when you think about it, she was simply a targeting tool that shouted "Hey" a lot. Something I can live with. Then you have Tingle; the Jar Jar Binks of the Zelda franchise, rightfully despised by the North American audience. He first appeared in Majora's Mask, and has popped up in most Zelda games since, and will likely continue to do so, goddamn it.

Who is Tingle? Well he's some 35 year old ugly dude dressed up in green costume, who's obsessed with gems and forest fairies. He floats around on balloon, selling maps, dancing and squirming about like a wad and shouting his catchphrase, "Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!". He's a disturbing hideous man-child who is a disgrace to the Zelda series, and if he existed in the real world he'd be luring children into a rusty van with rupees. I don't want to think about him anymore, let's move on!

1. The Gangly Abomination: Waluigi
Waluigi truly belongs at the top of this list. Why is he so annoying? Because he shouldn't even fucking exist! He was created for the game Mario Tennis so Wario could have a partner. That's it! It's a joke! As if Nintendo didn't have any other villains or bad guys to draw from, they felt the need to invent one of the most half-assed characters in history. For tennis.

But while we're on the subject, perhaps you think Wario is a character who deserves to be on this list. Sure he's a stupid character in a lot of ways, but he's been established as a unique antihero over the last 17 years. But Waluigi is all that stupidity minus any purpose. It makes me so damn mad. Wario was called Wario because it's an "M" flipped on its head. He's the opposite of Mario! Just go back and check out Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins and you'll see he made a decent villain. But Waluigi - christ, I hate even writing the name - doesn't work if we use that logic. An evil Luigi would have to have an upside-down "L" followed by "uigi", but since an upside down "L" is not a letter, and you can't pronounce it, they went with "Wa" in front of "Luigi". BUT (if you look at the picture), they still stuck an upside-down "L" on his hat. Well, what the fuck sense does that make, Nintendo!? And since when does "Wa" mean evil? Not every character needs Bizarro versions of themselves. If that's the deal, where's Watoad, Wabowzer, and Princess Wapeach?

Nintendo should be embarrassed for pulling this. Waluigi is annoying to look at, listen to, or even think about. He's the character equivalent of not giving a shit.


Cole D'Arc said...

Bravo. In my nightmares, i stil sometimes here that high-pitched whine calling to me: "Fox! Get this guy off me!!" I would often shoot him out of the sky myself, my score be damned.
Glad you had the balls to call out Yoshi for he reallly is.
And i love "the Jar Jar Binks of the Zelda world" - fits perfectly. Well done.

ps - just wait till Wawario shows up to wreak some havok in Mario Party 35.

Cole D'Arc said...

and perhaps Nintendo should be given some credit for their forward thinking in creating Kiddie Kong - imagine, a video game character where being retarded is an attribute.

Shane said...

lol...Wawario. Man, it's only a matter of time with that one.

Don't even get me started with the mario Party games.

Sam said...

I love Waluigi. He just looks so NEFARIOUS!

Shane said...

Sounds like something Wasam would say.

Cole D'Arc said...

i fear a secret invasion of our "wa" counterparts. Damn you Marvel!