Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Funniest Places to Throw Up

I refuse to let April slip by without me contributing at least one list to the site. But we here at Five-o-Rama are a busy crew, spending most of our days designing spaceships, and most of our nights fighting crime.

As you well know, one of the most horrible things to experience is throwing up. However, the concept of throwing up is indeed one of the funniest things you can think of. So, here is my list of the absolute most hilarious places to blow chunks. I've tried to be as specific as possible. Enjoy.

5. A Mask
When you gotta evacuate your stomach, the last thing you want is something blocking your face. This could be a theatre mask, a tribal mask, a gas mask, a surgical mask. Anything works. Even a goalie mask is funny. Whether you're fencing, playing paintball, or welding, there's something hilarious about needing to puke, and the puke having nowhere to go.

Best Case Scenario: *Ding dong* "Trick or Tre-blllaaargl"/ "And what are you supposed to be?"/ "Please get a towel."

4. Through Any Wind Instrument
Music and humor go together in such a beautiful way, and what's funnier that someone trying to make music while hurling? The concept is funny because the image of someone funneling vomit through the narrow mouthpiece of a trumpet, tuba, clarinet, etc, goes against the impulse to find a basin, sink, or toilet. It seems like an ideal combination. Even a didgeridoo sounds like someone barfing in a cave.

Best Case Scenario: While playing as part of orchestra, some trumpeter's notes begin to sound wet and suddenly a geyser of vomit erupts out the bell of the trumpet, showering the crowd. The player should still be desperately trying to play the appropriate notes.

3. Into An Aquarium
This is the sort of thing that could conceivably happen. You're having a party, you have some friends who can't hold their liquor, and you have large open-topped aquarium. It the perfect storm of hilarity. This idea has already been explored by the likes of Jeff Foxworthy, and it even happens in the recent comedy Superhero Movie (one of a handful of moments that caused me to lose my shit).

Best Case Scenario: I picture a large study in an expensive house, with a long aquarium filled with tropical fish. A smug looking middle-aged man is talking on the phone behind his desk while his maid dusts the shelves and books. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, she rushes to the aquarium and lets fly. All the man can do is stare in horror at the technicolor cloud billowing downwards through the water.

2. In The Change-Box on A Public Bus
This image first popped up during a conversation with friends in university (as most funny ideas do), and it still cracks me up. Why is it funny? Because it's random as hell. It's a change-box on a bus! Why and how would anyone ever do that? How would people react? Who would clean it, and how? It's a joke filled with mystery.

Best Case Scenario: A man is running as fast as he can to catch the bus and finally the kind-hearted bus driver brings it to a stop and opens the door. Once the running man clambers aboard, he immediately throws himself upon the change-box and vomits through the narrow slot. Upon finishing, he stands up straight, catches his breath and says, "No need to count it. It's all there, I assure you."

1. Up Someone's Sleeve
If you've read this far, then you've obviously not easily offended and understand that sometimes a joke can be gross. Well, I can't think of it getting any messier than this. Up someone's sleeve. A stranger's sleeve. The sleeve of a jacket, a turtleneck, a Christmas sweater. Whatever it is, puke is traveling via sleeve. Although it's disgusting and crazy, there's something undeniably funny about it.

Best Case Scenario: A man is walking down the street, minding his own business. Another fellow, who is obviously sick and clearly about to throw up, runs up to the walking man and frantically begins clawing at his shirt. The walking man desperately tries to push the sick man away, to get him to release his grip. Finally, when the struggle can go on no longer, the sick man grabs the walking man's sleeve and vomits in the wrist hole, holding it to his face as if it were an airsick bag. He does it with such force, that barf sprays out the neck hole of the walking man's shirt.

For those who say this is completely sick, I know. I thought it up. I wouldn't want to be part of that equation in any way. I don't think I could even handle witnessing it in person. But it makes me laugh, and laugh, and laugh when I think about it. And that's awesome.

P.S. Funniest place I've thrown up: A dresser drawer.


Cole D'Arc said...

it's rewarding to see our many long and serious discussions on this subject bear sweet Five-O-Rama fruit. blarghh!!!

Sam said...

On the news!

Shane said...

A quick search of the internet reveals that barfing on the news has happened, and is funny. It gets an honorable mention.

RyHo said...

Although not as funny of a location, I personally have thrown up in an Acadian Lines bus bathroom. Walking out of there is a horrible walk of shame, as I knew everyone heard what I was doing. I'm sure it sounded like a bear growling underwater.

Cole D'Arc said...

i suppose everyone's waiting for the guy who pukes every other day to reveal his best moment. well, really i usually only get parking lots, sidewalks and hallways. each fun in its own way.
but don't worry, i won't let you down because i have actually vomited all over a drinking fountain at the Coast Guard College. i don't think i have to get into why that's funny or especially disgusting.

ryho - guess you won't be surprised to learn ive done the exact same thing.

Sam said...

You did well. Coast Guards have to learn to somehow.

MarkusMan said...
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