Have you ever ventured forth into the world of online gaming? It’s a scary place. Simultaneously you have to encounter some of the oddest people that society can dole out, and ultimately find out that no matter how good you thought you were at a game, there is probably someone out there that can hand your ass to you.
It is, however, so very entertaining when you have a headset and can actually interact with all of these individuals. Here are some of the people you’ll encounter when you game online.
This list assumes that you are playing games online with an in-game microphone and no video. I’ve played a few games where a stream through a webcam is possible, but its rare. Thank you and have a nice list.
5. Pre-pubescent Grade Schooler
You will probably not go five minutes into a match online without hearing this little bastard. The shrill, blood-curdling sound of his voice will cause a lightning storm to traverse your spine. The worst part? There’s no avoiding them.
Although video games, in general, are most often played by 18-34 year old individuals, 35% of game players are under the age of 18. I think whichever researchers came up with these numbers should also work on finding out why most of the male gamers under 18 years of age have voices like little girls and have chronic “Won’t Shut The Fuck Up” Syndrome.
Your first instinct will be to find these kids annoying, and trust me, they are. To make this kid infinitely hilarious, however, all you need is the next player on this list.
4. The Angriest/Most Hate-filled Being... EVER
When you interact with the outside world in your day to day life, you invariably meet assholes. These men/women are so cantankerous you would rather gnaw your own leg off than run into them at the water cooler or ever worse (gasp!) have them as your boss.
Wait till you meet them on the online competitive front.
Connecting to the internet gives any person a whole new form of anonymity. You can be anyone. For those asshole bosses/co-workers that means only one thing… let that black, viscous hate for anything and everything out.
These guys want to end all life as we know it. If you take too long to set up the match, he will indeed call you every possible derogatory name he can think of, racist or not. In fact, racism doesn’t even really come into play; whether you’re a minority or not, you will be called a racial slur. He hates everyone with equal measure. When he dies in game, the very Earth itself trembles with his rage.
There is nothing in this world that this individual hates more than the Pre-pubescent Grade Schooler. Having the two in the same game, on the same team, and able to interact with each other is an instant source of entertainment. Either one alone is incredibly annoying (which is why they’ve landed low on the list), but put them together and it’s like baking soda and vinegar, friends. Don’t even talk. That might cause the Hatemonger to focus on you. No, you want all that anger being oppressed on the child. I know that sounds sick and twisted, but it is so very true.
I’m telling you folks, fireworks for your very own enjoyment.
3. The Best Player Ever (If It Weren't For This Lag!)
Remember your sports heroes as a kid? Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson… yes, that’s right, The Pro Stars! Behemoths on the court, rink or field, they were unstoppable. No one could ever touch their skill. They rose above the rest and became legends.
Well that guy is online! That’s right, and in your favourite game! You’ll hear him let loose with cries of, “What!? I hit that guy! Fuckin’ lag!” or “He didn’t even touch me! How am I dead!? Arrgh, fuckin’ lag!” If it weren’t for the lag, this guy would be the cream of the crop. He will, however, never reach this greatness.
“Lag” is generally the best excuse you’re going to hear. Most of these fuckballs (yeah, I said fuckballs) don’t even have a real concept of what lag is. Most commonly they think that their opponent’s internet dropped, making them some kind of super-human, invincible being that couldn’t be shot and could kill them without them ever knowing it. The fact is it’s more than likely their own internet connection dropping so that they become the game’s most delicious target. Trust me, though, they’ll never admit to that. None of this is, or could possibly be, their fault.
Other great excuses include that the game is “broken” and they can’t wait for the next patch so they can continue to dominate, or that their opponent is a total cheater. He probably built a “lag-switch”, a device that allows a player to interrupt the flow of their local network traffic, making them, admittedly, into a video game “ninja” that can glitch about the screen and never be killed. Sure, that happens. But not every single guy you meet online has one of these. Unfortunately for the Best Player Ever, their life is one constantly filled with lag, glitches, poorly designed video games, and ninjas.
For example, this guy blames lag and a mysterious "net code" for his issues.
You think that rednecks don’t use technology? You are so very wrong. I can attest, at least when it comes to games with guns, most often army/war-related, you will run into a fair majority of these guys. They permeate the servers of your favourite online game. Even in the areas that are clearly demarcated “Canada”, “EU” or “AUS”, they will be there. You’d think they’d never leave their precious US servers. Oh, do they ever. I guess someone needs to teach all those heathens, war-hatin’ hippies and terrorists where their place is.
Guess what they wanna talk about while they’re playing? Guns. Oh dear God. That’s all they want to talk about. What’s worse is that they will, because of their numbers, invariably find another redneck to talk to. You will have to sit through an entire game of complete gibberish, smattered with the words AK-47, machine gun, desert eagle, and all sorts of other guns.
Landing in a game that is completely comprised of these guys is like accidentally wondering down that dark country road in Appalachia. In the distance you can hear a tinny sound. Music? You venture forth, unsure of your surroundings and find a single, small child, banjo in hand. As the child breaks from his all-too-familiar tune and spits a black, gummy substance into an old soup can, you realize just what kind of trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.
Run while you still can.
1. Smoothest Black Guy You Ever Heard
A lot of people take online gaming altogether too seriously. A lot. Most actually. It's as if every guy that enters a game takes a deep breath and slaps his manhood on the measuring tape. You get a lot of angry guys cursing and blaming everything under the sun for why they didn’t dominate that last game.
The most chill mother-fucker you will ever encounter online is the Smoothest Black Guy You Ever Heard. It would be stereotypical to say that this guy probably just got done smoking a bowl, but look at this list. It’s literally a list of stereotypes. So guess what? This guy definitely just smoked a bowl.
As soon as he speaks you feel at ease. Not only is he smooth. He’s down-right smoky. Life is so fantastic for him. He just chills out and plays games, man. It’s a wonder that his blood continues to pump. He vegetates to the point that he’s stopped aging. He… fuck it, you get the picture.
When all of the above individuals start hammering at each other and the shrill voiced pissants, gun enthusiasts, charcoal-infused hate-creatures, and future MLG stars begin their battle, you can always count on the SBGYEH to take care of everything in a matter of seconds.
Let’s lay out an example from my own experience.
The game: SOCOM US Navy SEALs: Confrontation for the PS3.
The setting: I came into the game late and was forced to a team. You can choose your side in the pre-game setup, but if you join late you are forced to the side with the least amount of players. Little did I know that I was put on the side with a clan completely comprised of females. What’s a clan? It’s basically a group of individuals that create an online team and usually play competitively against other clans.
So I finished out the first match with this clan. When it was over we went into the next match’s pre-game setup. At this point I’m still on the side with the all-female clan, which is gigantic.
I actually left the room for a minute to take a leak after I “greened up”, which is a SOCOM term that means you set yourself as ready for the next match. 50% of the people in the room have to “green up” to start the match.
When I came back I found that the match still hadn’t started. I put on my headset to see what was up. I found out that the all-female clan wanted me to switch teams and wouldn’t green up until I did. I tried. There’s a slight glitch in SOCOM: Confrontation at this point, however. Sometimes you can get locked on a team and you have to actually leave the room and come back in to reset it. I didn’t know anything about this at the time. This brought me up on the radar of the hatemonger. He started screaming at me, “Switch teams you incompetent fuck! Are you fucking retarded? Switch teams so I can fucking kill your ass and vote you already!” Voting occurs when individuals on your team vote to keep you or remove you from a game. I screamed back at him, something along the lines of, “I can’t, so shut the fuck up!”
I was just about to leave the game when I heard my savior. The one, the only, SBGYEH. “Nah, man. You just wanna stay on the team with all those fine ladies. It’s cool, though. I’m feelin’ ya.” He then let out that slow, smooth laugh of his. “I’d burn one down with ya. Leave the room and come back so we can get this ass-whippin’ started.”
That’s all it took. Not another word from anyone in the room. I left, came back in and no one ever voted me. Not even the hatemonger. Once the Smoothest Black Guy You Ever Heard speaks, everyone listens. I would say that all of the different players have different motivations. They don’t wanna seem too hardcore next to his cool exterior. They don’t want to sound like a little “noob”. Whatever it is, he has the innate power to end all conflicts in the room with little to no effort.
Although there are all kinds of people smoking weed while they play games, and they are damned well chill as well, for whatever reason, it’s only the SBGYEH that has this effect on online games.