Saturday, January 9, 2010

Shane's Most Hated Movies of 2009

Before all memories of 2009 slip away, I gotta tackle a few more movies. Horrible movies.

5. Push
Oh God, Jumper has come back to haunt me! Don't believe me, well let's compare. In Jumper you have a small group of people with special powers (Jumpers) being pursued by a mysterious organization (The Paladins) led by a black guy (Samuel L. Jackson). In Push you have a small group of people with special powers (Pushers, Movers, and Watchers) being pursued by a mysterious organization (The Division) led by a black guy (Djimon Hounsou). In both films the so-called "heroes" are boring, and both films are desperately trying to start a new franchise.

Actually the characters with powers aren't limited to those three, there are also Sniffers, Stitchers, Bleeders, and Wipers. It's too bad none of them are interesting to the Viewers. They sound more like participants of various fetishes (Wipers? Eeeew). Seriously though, I might as well be watching a poor rip off of X-men where no one could be bothered to give the characters interesting names. Besides the Hong Kong setting there wasn't much to hold my interest. Not even Dakota Fanning scribbling out crayola premonitions in a notebook while trying to outdo Hayden Christensen in the Boring Olympics.

How 'Bout ... If you really have a hankering for evil agents trying to kill characters with impressive skills, may I suggest a little film called The Matrix?

4. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
This movie isn't really so terrible, it's mostly just forgettable. There was a fair bit of action and special effects, but it was usually so cheesy you'd find yourself laughing. The pinnacle of dumb action takes place in the middle of the film when the Joes are chasing after the bad guys before a futuristic weapon hits the Eiffel Tower. They end up putting on these super suits and bounding down through the streets of Paris. They really look stupid hopping and bopping their way over and through traffic (well their CGI characters do at least). While watching I couldn't help but hear the opening theme to "Gummi Bears" play in my head.

How 'Bout ... if you want to see the Eiffel Tower fall over, go watch Team America: World Police. At least in that movie the laughs are intentional.

3. Year One
Two actors that people complain about for doing the same thing over and over, for playing the same character types again and again, are Jack Black and Michael Cera. And now here they are together. Jack Black plays a loud-mouthed wild guy with an abundance of confidence. Michael Cera plays an awkward introvert. Sure these two characters have names, but it's really just Jack and Michael going from one historical set piece to the next.

This movie is really, really unfunny. And that's a shame since I'm pretty sure it was intended as a comedy. I'd be honestly surprised if this film had a script, because I'd swear everyone involved was just making it up as they went. Everyone dressed up in costumes and talked it out, and they truly looked bored with the project.

How 'Bout ... checking out Mel Brooks' History of the World: Part One. It's basically the same concept, but done right.

2. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Ugh. Okay, first of all, let me explain that I know nothing about Street Fighter. I've never been interested in, and know little about the games. However, I sense that if I did, I would hate this movie even more. Firstly, even as unaware as I am about the canon of the Street Fighter series, I know right off the bat that casting Kristen Kreuk as Chun-Li is retarded. Chun-Li is a Chinese character and early in the film the actresses playing Chun-Li are distinctly Asian. Some time passes and WHAM! Kristen Kreuk walks in and we're supposed to buy that she's the same girl as before. It turns out Kristen's mother is of Chinese descent, but I never would have guessed. I hope the filmmakers didn't cast her on that fact alone. But Chinese or not, Kristen does not look like a tough fighter. She looks like a strong wind may crush her at any moment, and that she may shatter her wrist opening a jar, let alone dealing a punch.

Sadly, this was another film that turned out to be very forgettable. The only thing I was left with is the memory of being terribly embarrassed for everyone involved in the movie. The story, the casting, and acting were all awful, and the movie felt like a straight to video release overall.

How 'Bout ... you just watch this scene from the Jackie Chan film City Hunter. It's ridiculous and entertaining, and Jackie plays Chun-Li, which somehow makes more sense than a frail white chick from Vancouver.

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
It seems that when 2009 wasn't busy killing every second celebrity, it was busy killing franchises from the 80's. I hated every minute of this two and a half hour piece of shit, but I really only have myself to blame. I had ample warning with the first transformers movie. I hated that one for being stupid, loud, and annoying, so it should come as no surprise that the second film would be twice as stupid, loud, and annoying.

First of all, why is it that the Decepticons have nearly any ability imaginable. They can transform and break up into tiny ball bearings and alter themselves to be thinner than the eye can see, they can perfectly mimic humans, and even teleport!? What the hell is going on? Autobots can change into vehicles, and the bad guys can do anything Michael Bay thinks is cool.

And why did every second character have to be comic relief. I've never seen an action movie try so goddamn hard to be funny and fail at every turn. Parents getting high, asses and farts, twin idiotic Autobots that are racially offensive, dogs humping dogs, and robots humping legs. Seriously. A transformer humps Megan Fox's leg.

The action scenes would be visually impressive if you could tell what was going on. Most of the time it's like watching two piles of scrap metal stuck together falling out of dump truck. Plus, the continuous sound of metal clashing for hours is painful. I've talked to people who left the theatre with pounding headaches. The final act taking place in Egypt is so long I was just praying for the movie to end. Usually I get a kick out of landmarks being destroyed in films, but I was actually pissed off to see the pyramids getting wrecked by these wrestling garbage heaps.

I'm so mad just thinking about this fucking movie. There were transformers with beards in this movie, and transformers with balls. Michael Bay should be shot out of a cannon into a chain-link fence.

How 'Bout ... if you really want to see some robots fighting go watch the original animated Transformers: The Movie or any sci-fi anime ever made.


Sam said...

"Michael Bay should be shot out of a cannon into a chain-link fence."

The danger here is that each of the parts that sluiced out the other side like Play-Doh would reform into smaller Michael Bays—a la Sorcerer's Apprentice—making 2010 the year of 15 potential Transformer sequels, as well as Pearl Harbour 2: The Japanning (produced by M. Night Shyamalan), and the highly self-referential Armageddon 2: Bad Boys in Space.

Cole D'Arc said...

like you wouldn't hump Megan Fox's leg

RyHo said...

As much as I know I'll hate Push, I find myself gravitating to it at the local Blockbuster. I have no rightly idea why.