Thursday, June 3, 2010

MINI-LIST: Coolest Alien Races

It's time for me to give this mini-list thing a whirl. So let's get it on like Red Dawn.

5. Technarchy/Phalanx

What's with the slash? Well, the race is the Technarchy while the Phalanx are a genetic offshoot. You seriously think these guys are cooler than the Transformers? No. I'm just not comfortable calling Transformers an alien race since they're machines. But these guys are techno-organic so...yeah. What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? The Borg. But they're way more hardcore. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? While it's something they totally would do if they ever had the chance, it was actually the Phalanx that pulled this trick after stupid humans inadvertently created them and tried to use them to eliminate mutants. Didn't work out too well. Would I enjoy visiting their homeworld (Kvch)? Sure. You'll enjoy everything once you are assimilated into the Collective.

4. Xenomorphs

Aren't they more like an alien species rather than alien "race"? Whatever. Are they friendly and cuddly? Look at the freaking picture! OK, so should I shoot them? Not at close range if you can help it. Didn't they kill Bill Paxton? Yup. Is Burke still worse than them? Well, it's not like you see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.

3. Irkens

How's their government work? They are ruled by The Almighty Tallest - the two Irkens who just happen to be...taller than everyone else (pictured).Works for me. What's their favourite thing to do? It's a tie between bulldozing planets to convert them into single-purpose areas (like parking lots or food courts) and eating snacks. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Not officially. The Irken Empire doesn't give two shits about the Earth. But Zim doesn't know that and takes his "mission" to wipe out all humans and prepare the planet for conversion very seriously. But, as Gaz observed, "He's so bad at it." Don't they seem a little tame for a Jhonen Vasquez creation? I guess you're right. Except that their MO is exterminating and enslaving other races just so they can turn their planets into one-stop shopping complexes. What does the "g" stand for? I don't know.

2. Predators

Isn't it awesome how they insist on using edge weapons despite their super-advanced technology? It sure is. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Nah, they just like to hunt us for sport from time to time. Killed Bill Paxton? Natch. What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? You could say the Klingons but it's quite a stretch. They're a hell of a lot deadlier and cooler. Is the new movie actually going to be any good? God, I hope so.

1. The Shi'ar
What alien race from Star Trek are they most comparable to? The Romulans. They're smart, aggressive and mean. What makes them cooler than the Kree and the Skrulls? For one thing they're a lot smarter. As technologically advanced and powerful as both the Kree and Skrulls are, both races are completely preoccupied with killing each other. This has led their empires into decline while the Shi'ar's just keeps growing. They did actually have a war of their own with the Kree but they won. Have they ever tried to take over the Earth? Pretty sure they haven't. But they have messed with Earth on occasion, including once sending the Brood (a very nasty alien species kind of similar to the Xenomorphs) there but this wasn't an official act of the Empire, it was just Deathbird acting on her own. Since their relations with the X-Men, the Shi'ar have actually for the most part maintained a good relationship with Earth (although they're still really fucking condescending) Are they fun at parties? I'm not sure but they were definitely a hit at the Grey family reunion. Unless you think massacring every single guest but Rachel wouldn't be a good time. Aren't you cheating by including the entire Shi'ar Empire since while the primary race is the Aerie, it actually incorporates many other races as well? Go fuck yourself.


kingshearte said...

Trekkie chiming in to say that if the Predators hunt humans for shits & giggles, I'd say they're most like the Hirogens.

Cole D'Arc said...

kingshearte> i thought of that but
1) i figured the Hirogens are a litte obscure
2) like Klingons, the Predators really stress that they are a race of warriors
3) if the fact that they hunt humans is news to you, you've got some movie-watching to do

kingshearte said...

1) Since when do you gentlemen shy away from obscurity? ;)
2) Fair enough, I suppose.
3) Well, I knew they hunted humans, but I didn't really know the circumstances surrounding the hunting, ie, for sport, rather than just dinner. But yes, it's true, I have not watched any of the Predator movies, and am somewhat unlikely to, unless I happen to find myself somewhere where someone is watching one.

Shane Patenaude said...

1) I honestly busted a gut reading this. Awesome.
2) Xenomorphs may not be cuddly and hug-able, but I once snuggled a dinosaur skeleton covered in razor blades, and I feel that is practically the same thing.
3) Numbering shit is fun, yo!

RyHo said...

So very excellent. A quick and fun read. All of things a MINI-LIST should embody.

I... I have nothing to number.


Cole D'Arc said...

kingshearte> hey, if you don't want to see governor Schwarznegger, governor Jesse The Body Ventura AND Carl freaking Weathers all battle a stealth-cloaked warrior-alien then you're beyond any help i or this blog can provide.

shane> gut-busting is a specialty of mine and luckily, you have gut to spare (hi-yohhhh!)

ryho> 8,7, 56, 435, 99, 0, 12

Shane Patenaude said...

Hey, now. Are you implying that I'm fat, or are you commenting on my abundance of black market guts?

john said...

fuck you what's up for saying that predators(Yautja)is only number 2. And I don't get why you think some human like creatures are cooler than
alien, crab, human and bug mixed together wearing a awesome armour fighting close fight even when it has plasma canons?

Cole D'Arc said...

john> um...what?