Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Worst Video Game Voice Acting

The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated, and so I'm back for a surprise list.

Frivolities aside, and grander frivolities a'front, I love bad acting, and video games are where bad acting goes to die.

I've assembled a list of 5 memorable moments in horrible, horrible acting for our collective schadenfreude. #5-2 are in no particular order—#1 is my favourite.

(There is plenty of even shittier material in this video, but I went with more personally memorable content.)

5. Animal Soccer World (PS2—seriously!?)

While I'm still not sure where the “game” element to this game is, it is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. I stumbled across it in the Tubes and thought I was hallucinating.
I imagine the genesis as such: OK, we've got 5 seconds of music, a bunch of Mexican illegals locked in a bathroom, a water-damaged microphone, and some bootlegged Chinese animation cells from The Lion King and Ovide and the Gang. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Unpaid Mexicans recorded through a bathroom wall, that's the ticket. Now that we've seen it, let's never speak of it again.

4. Megaman 8 (PS1)

Just ignore the weirdness from CD-i Zelda (robbed of a spot on this list) edited into this.

How could someone conceivably have thought that this was a good voice for the kindly scientist Dr. Light?

“Dats a gewd querstin,” you might be asking yourself.

Also, how have I gotten this far in life not realizing that there's an r in question?

As for the casting blunder, my suspicion is that somebody's half-retarded uncle needed booze money, and they could only afford one take. Dr. Wahwee, it is then. Here's your Colt 45, Uncle Mick.

3. Megaman X4 (PS1)

Zero's Troll 2-esque “What am I fighting foooooooooorrrrrrrraorrrrrrr!” isn't even the best bit here.

Skip ahead to 1:30.

There's so much awesome here. The way that Zero says “coup” as if it were a thing full of chickens; “Whatdoyouthinkyou'redoing?!” as a single phrase; the Colonel's resigned “oh” and his odd Australian accent.

Also, if there had been anything of substance at the end to ruin, wouldn't that irritating mechanical walking noise have done it? What an annoying universe to inhabit if everyone made that kind of racket with each step. It would be second only to the universe where everyone has to wear the baby from Eraserhead for shoes.

2. Resident Evil (PS1)

A classic exchange in a game renowned for its voice acting. While this entire scene is golden, I think I like Barry's helpful “Hurry! This way!” more than the actual “Jill sandwich line” itself.
Wait, which way Barry? Through the door? The only door? The door that you told me to step away from as you prepared to kick the very same door down? That way? Hmmm, I don't know...

I also love Jill's strange emphasis on “dining room” as though it were some ridiculous conceit. I mean really, an entire room just for dining? And he's doing research in it? Oh Barry... it's a good thing you're highly skilled at kicking down doors...

1. Space Hulk: Vengeance of the Blood Angels (PS1)

My friends and I played Warhammer 40k in junior high, so when one of us found this gem in a Zellers bargain bin, it seemed almost too good to be true.
“Ezeekiel, advance to this room. Ezeekiel, proceed to this area. Ezeekiel, close this door. Ezeekiel, press my pants. Ezeekiel, what are you doing!? Ezeekiel, do my taxes. Ezeekiel. Ezeekiel...E...Ezee...Ezeekiel.”

The real gem comes at 1:52
“I haven't found!!!! ... an ARCHIVED RECORD.”
Existential angst quickly turns to bitterness here. The opening delivery is one of deep insecurity. Oh God! What's wrong with me? I just turned a bulkhead full of Tyranid Genestealers into chili con carne, but I can't find a measly archived record... But watch as the treasured artifact quickly becomes an object of scorn and derision—“archived record” drawn out and said with a clenched fist. You did this to me! It's your fault! You goddamned archived record!

The delivery reminds me of a skit Shane found years ago where someone edited together clips of Lawrence Olivier's voice to make a Coca-Cola commercial... "But if I were... ALIVE!"

Anyway, that's all for me, folks. I guess I'll be back in a few years... :P


Cole D'Arc said...

i'm familiar with most of this stuff (hell, i own MegaMan X4) and yes, it is amazingly bad and awesome all at the same time.

that animal soccer i watched the whole thing and am just as baffled as you are concerning how it ever came to be.

i'm pretty sure that playing that space hulk game for more than ten minutes with the sound on would be enough to drive anyone to madness.

honourable mention must go to Castlevania Symphony of the Night, particularly the opening. i'm fairly certain i have that dialogue memorized having played through it so many times. it never gets old.

and we expect at least two lists a year from you, Worthington. unless you want to incur our wrath.

Sam said...

"What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, have at you!"

Shane said...

Good lord that was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost puked.

Animal Soccer world is unbelievably bad. The animation alone makes me want to wish it out of existence.

The Laurence Olivier for Diet Coke bit was from the Canadian group "Radio Free Vestibule". You can hear most of it in the sample here.

"But if I were ... ALIVE ... I'd really enjoy the taste of ... diet KO-KA-KO- leeeuh"