Five-O-Rama

Post-script: Five VG Music Covers That Shouldn't Be

2012-02-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

Like fleshy homunculi writhing in agony on a necromancer's altar, here are some renditions of game music that never should have been.

5. Bloody Tears Cannibalized by Rappers

4. Mario Theme on Deranged Cat Piano

3. Robo's Theme (Chrono Trigger) in Mario Paint

2. Metal Gear Solid 2 Theme on Kazoo and... Torso?

1. Chocobo Theme on Cockatiel

Unsurprisingly, the cockatiel is the best of the bunch, and even it is clearly ashamed.

Five VG Music Covers That Have a Life of Their Own

2012-02-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

The Internets are flush with recordings of people stumbling through Castlevania's Bloody Tears on a keyboard in their basement, or playing the Super Mario Bros. theme on a nose-flute. But if you wade through the umpteen videos of shredding Mega Man, or the Zelda overture drummed out on Mongolian sheep bladders just for the sake of it, you can find some music which really resonates.

There are plenty of lists of the best covers of game music, but I wanted to compile my favourite examples of when a track is given new life through the replay, as it were.

5. Windwaker Unplugged (FreddeGredde)

(Original)

FreddeGredde's cover of the Windwaker theme has certainly made its (deserving) rounds on lists like this. That said, it's three and a half-million views worth of awesome. The accordion and the vocal layering really add some warmth to an already great piece of music.

4. Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals/Estpolis - Final Battle

(Original)

Lufia 2 (SNES) was a terrific, classic-style RPG. They remade it for the DS in 2009, and the OST cranked the music up to 11. This one is kind of a cheat, since it's a proper Nintendo remake, but it can't be helped. This is an epic track, in the proper, definitive sense of the word. The drums, trumpet, and strings give it an intensity which (obviously) just couldn't be achieved on the SNES. I dare you to listen to this and not want to save the world, Lufia fan or not.

3. Chrono Cross - Dream of the Shore Near Another World (SongeLeReveur & Marcpapeghin)

(Original)

Chrono Cross (PS) had a gorgeous soundtrack which would be difficult to improve on. These guys start with Dream of the Shore, and really take it somewhere else with the new and distinctive instruments (although I have some issues with the tempo of the uke at the beginning). I think the end product sounds more at home in a Wild ARMs game, which is certainly a compliment. It takes a dreamy overworld theme and turns in into a new, almost standalone composition.

2. Final Fantasy Main Theme Remix (Hyadain)

(Original)

This was the reason why I wanted to make this list in the first place. Kenichi Maeyamada aka Hyadain, is a Japanese composer whose YouTube remixes of game music are quite unique in that he sings most of them (his rendition of Cyan's Theme and Ultros Boogie are also interesting). His remixes are skillful and fun homages to classic game music. What we have here is essentially the Final Fantasy national anthem, and I love that such a thing exists.

1. Chrono Trigger - Peaceful Days (lonlonjp)

(Original)

I just couldn't put the Hyadain track at number one, because of how much I love this. Of all lonlonjp's excellent Chrono Trigger guitar arrangements (Frog's Theme in particular), I think that this one stands out because of how perfectly suited the original track is for the solo guitar. He absolutely nails the simple beauty of the song. Fans of Chrono Trigger will be immediately lost in two minutes of nostalgic bliss, and anyone else can instantly understand why Yasunori Mitsuda named his original track “Peaceful Days.”

Shane's Favourite Movies of 2011

2012-01-16T23:49:00.000-08:00

So, it's that time of year again. I wanted to get this list out sooner but I've been trying my to catch up on some last minute titles I thought might influence my decision. About a week after my 2010 movie list went up I saw True Grit, and I loved it so much that it would have easily been in my top 3. But, alas, the list was already posted. It's always hard to choose five when there are still others I haven't seen and want to see.

This year I found it especially difficult to make my picks. There were plenty of films I thought were good, but few I thought were really great. I might feel completely different about the order and/or choices in this list a month from now. But it's time to commit. Here we go.

5. Red State

I heard plenty about the development and release of this film from Kevin Smith's weekly "SMODcast" last year, and I was interested in seeing a film that seemed very unlike anything else he's directed. Red State certainly is different, but you can still see Kevin Smith's crude style infused throughout this violent, low budget horror film.

What I really like about this film (besides Michael Parks' performance) is how it pulls a From Dusk Til Dawn midpoint switcheroo. It starts as a bleak horror film where some horny teens become the captives of a fanatical religious family, and then it turns into a guns blazing, action film with John Goodman. High five! It's over the top, it's ridiculously fun, and it will probably catch you off guard at least once.

4. Rango
It's really strange how things go sometimes. When I originally saw trailers for Rango I was filled with equal parts confusion and disgust. I couldn't quite tell what the movie was trying to be, but I knew I didn't like it. Then I started reading positive reviews, some friends gave it their seal of approval, and I decided to give it a shot. Much to my surprise and delight, it was a terrific film.

I really have to applaud the work of the animation team because the visuals are stunning. ~~Most~~ All of the characters are as grotesque as they are weird, but witnessing the level of detail put into their design is amazing. Everything in this film looks broken-down, scarred, and filthy ... in a good way. Plus, you wouldn't think a story about a lost pet chameleon becoming the sheriff of a dehydrated animal town would make a good western, but it does. The characters are eccentric and interesting, the jokes are funny and mature, and the story unfolds with plenty of action. It's a solid film, and it reminded me to never judge a chameleon by its skin.

3. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
I saw plenty of action films this year (Captain America, X-Men: First Class, Thor, Cowboys & Aliens, Adventures of Tintin, Suckerpunch, Fast Five, Green Hornet, Hanna, etc.) and this one stood out as having the most exciting, well paced action of them all. It's no surprise that the director of The Incredibles would have an idea of how to present action in a spectacular fashion. There's no downtime telling an origin story or getting lost in some boring subplot; it's just one insane assignment after another with a likable team, crazy gadgets, and unthinkable obstacles. It may not be realistic, but it is absolutely fun. For his first live action film Brad Bird delivered pure entertainment.

2. Super 8
If you've heard anything about this movie it was probably that it shares a lot of similarities to Spielberg's movies from the 80's like E.T. and The Goonies. This is true. It's practically J.J. Abrams channeling the guy. And that's perfectly fine with me. This movie has such a good vibe to it, and I really like the kids playing the group of friends aspiring to make an awesome zombie movie; they're all very likable and fun to watch. There's a good chemistry between them and some fine performances (Elle Fanning, holy shit).

So, a group of friends witness a train wreck while working on their scary movie and suddenly there's a real monster wreaking havoc in their small town. Even as things get out of control, the kids keep working on their film and taking every opportunity to incorporate the escalating disaster into their movie. Super 8 isn't perfect (I wish the second half was more like the first half), but it wins bonus points in the nostalgia department for reminding me of the movies I watched growing up, and the comedy and monster movies my brother and I used to make with the family camcorder.

Also, it mixes a lot of things together nicely: the mystery and suspense of a monster on the loose, the humour of friends arguing over the details of making a movie, and the drama of a family dealing with tragedy. There's something everyone can like here and I recommend it highly.

1. Drive
This is a movie that seemed to get fairly polarized responses from people. It had a lot of word of mouth hype and people either loved it or thought it was overrated. It's hard to pinpoint what makes this my favourite of the year, but I suppose it's because Drive feels original. It exists somewhere between an action movie, a crime drama, and a hypnotic music video.

The story centres on an unnamed wheelman who does jobs as a getaway driver. After one heist goes bad he ends up having to take matters into his own hand to stay alive and protect those he cares about. Driver is a mysterious and cool character, though I can't decide if he's very clever or mentally unbalanced or both. In any case, Ryan Gosling gives a subtle, careful performance and I hope he does more stuff like this.

The soundtrack is one of best I've heard in a while. The opening sequence where Driver eludes the cops after a robbery is mesmerizing because the situation is stressful, but the music and lighting is calming and our protagonist is so composed. Drive has this interesting way of putting the viewer into a trance and then hitting them with a sudden moment of astonishing violence. I wouldn't say the film has a lot of violence, but the violence is ... potent, if that makes sense.

Of all the movies I saw last year, Drive is the one I want to watch again most. It's retro, it's artsy, it does something different, and I appreciate that.

So there's my list. I look forward to hearing what everyone else thought of 2011's cinematic offerings.

Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions: Part Deux

2011-12-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

‘Tis the season, yet again and this year I decided to revisit my list from Christmas 2009 - Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions.

When I wrote that list I’d thought I’d hit some of the weirdest Christmas traditions that I’d ever heard of, but as it turns out there’s all sorts of kooky stuff going on out there in the world!

5. KFC Christmas Dinner (Japan)

You read that right. Nothing completes a Christmas dinner in Japan like a big ol’ bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The mid-70s in Japan were a great jumping on point for many American businesses in the land of the rising sun. Japan was soaking in American culture at a breakneck pace, and that meant one of its greatest exports: fast food.

KFC was trying itself in Japan’s markets and would craft an unusual and incredibly beneficial foothold with Japanese fast food patrons. Rumour has it that a Christian missionary ordered a bucket one Christmas because they couldn’t find a proper turkey to have for dinner. Seeing an opportunity, KFC jumped on this and marketed their buckets as the perfect Christmas dinner.

Japan is not known for their Christian demographic - which is around 0.5 to 1% of the population. They do, however, love just about any American and commercial event they can be part of, so Christmas is actually incredibly popular there. It’s a day when the whole family can have a meal, and has been marketed as a night when the woman of the house (this is Japan, remember) doesn’t have to prepare a meal. They can simply order KFC!

It’s so popular as Christmas dinner that you have to order your buckets a month in advance. Yes, a month minimum. It is completely commonplace to call in early November to order your chicken, and line-ups leaving KFCs on December 23rd, 24th and 25th snake throughout shopping districts in Japan.

In one night more than a half a months worth of chicken will be sold in KFC’s nationwide in Japan, and as much as 7000 pieces of the Colonel’s original recipe will be sold in specific locations around major cities, like Tokyo.

Colonel Sanders would be so proud.

4. Sticky Loksa (Slovakia)

This has to be one of the messiest traditions I’ve ever heard of.

In areas of Eastern Europe there is a tradition meant to bring good fortune and richer harvests in the following year. Said tradition is to throw their dinner all over the house.

Loksa is a traditional Christmas dish served in areas of Slovakia and the Ukraine. Made of sweetened poppy seeds, bread and water the loksa are prepared and served with the Holy Supper of Christmas, known as Stedry Vercer. Before the meal begins, however, the man of the house (you never hear this stuff in North America anymore!) will throw loksa at the ceiling and hope for it to stick. The more loksa that stick, the better the harvest will be in the new year, or so the story goes. Other bread/potato-like dishes that are often thrown at the ceiling include bobalki and kutia.

Why? Poppyseeds are considered lucky in these European countries, which goes back to Pagan beliefs that spreading poppyseeds in front of one’s door would keep evil spirits at bay, as they are so pre-occupied with picking up and counting each seed they won’t be able to enter your home at night.

That’s not all the food throwing that goes on, though. Walnuts are commonly thrown into each corner of the room before dinner, as a blessing on the house. Another practice is to break open the walnuts and use them to divine the next year’s fortunes. Each quarter of the walnut represents the four seasons of the year, so if one portion is particularly big that means good fortune, but conversely if one section is blackened or shriveled it could mean bad luck in the following year.

I’m not sure why they throw the walnuts into the corners of the home as a blessing, nor why poppyseed-infused foods sticking to the ceiling are a good thing, but I do know one thing: the five-second rule better be in full effect!

3. Goat Burning (Sweden)

To begin explaining this one, we need some back story on the Yule Goat. In Scandinavia, a goat is often connected to their Christmas traditions and is one of their major symbols for the holiday. There are stories in Finland of an ugly goat creature that would scare children at Christmas (or Yule) demanding gifts, or of an invisible goat that would make sure that the preparations for Yule were carried out correctly.

This all stems from old Norse traditions where goats, meant to represent Odin’s goats Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjostr, were sacrificed to Odin for fortune in the new year. The story went that Odin would slaughter his two goats, which pulled his chariot, to feed guests during the winter feasts, and would resurrect them the next day.

At the turn of the century a Father Christmas character was introduced into the Scandinavian culture, but the Yule Goat still plays a prominent role in their Christmas traditions. In fact, Father Christmas rides a goat in most Swedish stories and a common prank carried out around Christmas is for a small goat figure to be hidden in a friend or family’s home. When or if they find the Yule Goat, they have to attempt the same thing in another friend or family member’s home and so on and so forth.

Now comes the story of the Gävle Goat. In 1966, a consultant, Stig Gavlen, decided to erect a massive Yule Goat made entirely from straw and wood in the Swedish city of Gävle. The first of these massive tributes to the Yule Goat would reach as high as 43 ft and were created by Gavlen from 1966 to 1970 and then from 1986 to 2002.

Why the 16 year break? It was due to the frustration caused by a brand new tradition of destroying the Yule Goat.

At the stroke of midnight, New Year’s 1967, the 3-tonne Yule Goat was set ablaze and burned to the ground. As a result, those involved with the building of the goat stepped up security the next year, and the goat was kept out of harm’s way. The very next year, however, mischievous Swedes found a way to burn that goat to the ground as well.

After another year of successfully protecting the goat, Gavlen gave up trying and for several years the Nature Science Club of Gävle created a Yule Goat, that was even bigger than the earlier iterations. These did not fair any better, however, as almost every year after 1969 the Gävle Goat has been destroyed by any means necessary.

The goat has not only been burned to the ground on many occasions, but because of increased security there have been different methods employed. These include: being kicked to pieces, as the goat was fireproofed, shot with flaming arrows from afar, destroyed by natural events like blizzards and on one occasion a daring Swede even rammed into the goat with their car.

There was even one famous attack that involved hackers. Several live webcams were aimed at the goat to keep it under constant surveillance. A group of hackers took over the webcams placing text across them that read “burn the damn goat”. A security force was then placed on the goat, but because of incredibly cold temperatures, the security guards ducked into a nearby restaurant to warm up, which is when a hidden vandal force attacked burning the goat to the ground.

Countless volunteers have attempted to protect the goat, and on several occasions they’ve succeeded, but conversely there have been times when multiple goats were erected only to be destroyed several times in one year.

On November 27th, 2011 a new Yule Goat was placed in the city square of Gävle. It was sprayed down with water, which created a thick layer of ice around the goat, in hopes it would be more difficult to burn. On December 2nd, however, the goat was once again burned to the ground.

If you want some more information about the Gävle Goat, it has a blog and a Twitter account. Have fun.

2. Krampus (Austria)

The Krampus is a mythical creature that appears in the Christmas stories of many Alpine countries, like Austria, Bavaria and Tyrol.

The Krampus is a cloven, horned beast that plays foil to St. Nicholas. The story goes that when St. Nick would be out bringing good little children toys and goodies, that the Krampus would be trolling about for bad children. When he came across one, he’d stuff them into his sack and then take them back to his lair to eat for Christmas dinner.

Krampus goes by many names, including Knecht Ruprecht, Certa, Perchten, Black Peter, Schmutzli, Pelznickel, and Klaubauf. He is almost always depicted as a Hellbound, devil-like creature, but some times is depicted as a man in a black suit or a creature attempting to hide as a man.

One can easily see where the Krampus comes from, as St. Nicholas is often depicted as an old man with a long, white beard, much like many depictions of God, and the Krampus itself very much depicts the Devil. The history of Krampusnacht (Krampus Night) itself, however, holds ties in mummering, which I explained in my last Weird Christmas Holiday Traditions list.

On Krampusnacht, celebrated on the eve of St. Nicholas Day (December 5th), revellers will dress as the Krampus or witches and parade through the city, scaring children with chains and their grisly attire. This practice is not only popular in Austria, but is slowly being adopted into areas like Northern Italy and even the United States.

There was a time when Santa Claus was not only a giver of gifts to the good, but a punisher of wrong-doers. In this day and age when children are allowed to have gifts at Christmas, even when they’ve been naughty, there are many adopting Krampus traditions in a way to bring the fear back to Christmas.

No. I’m dead serious.

1. Rotten Auk Feast (Greenland)

Think of Christmas dinner in your home. The turkey with all the fixings, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy; the works.

Now go to Greenland for Christmas. You’ll get to experience a whole new Christmas bird: the auk. The auk is a small, penguin-like bird that lives on the open sea surrounding Greenland. There a very popular Christmas dish is made from the auk known as kiviak. It’s not baked to a delicious brown in your oven, though. No. The entire dead bird is wrapped in seal skin and left under a rock for a few months. It’s then removed at Christmas time, the rotten organs and innerds removed and then the skin is eaten as a delicious Christmas treat.

I kid you not.

Around 500 of the birds are placed in a single seal skin. The process was developed by the Inuit culture in the Greenlandic area, and it caries forward as a tradition to this day. Much like turkey dinner, it isn’t only enjoyed at Christmas, but also as a feast during weddings and birthdays, but is the common Christmas treat in the area.

Many fish dishes are fermented in similar fashions throughout Asia, and several liquors are created from the process. The guts removed from the auk in making the kiviak is, however, incredibly toxic and is often simply pushed out through the removed head of the bird, once the seal skin is dug up.

It is described as smelling and tasting like a strong cheese called Stilton and is considered a delicacy in the area.

I can’t imagine when I would think it was a good idea to bury a dead bird under a stone for several months and then risk toxic poison to enjoy the fermented skin, however, to each their own.

Merry Christmas!

Cole's Desert Island Graphic Novels

2011-12-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Like most people who read them, and most who create them, I've never been very comfortable with the term "graphic novel". It's certainly flawed and fails to properly define plenty of the works that carry its label. Really, it's a marketing term more than anything else. Without going into all the details (you could find them easily enough at a place like wikipedia) I'll just come to the main problem it presented to me when trying to come up with this list: should I choose only works that fit the flawed term at least a little better, that is, works such as V For Vendetta and The Dark Knight Returns which tell a single stand-alone story or could I include any comic book story that made up an arc or even part of an arc of an ongoing series?

If you ask my pal Aristotle, he'd tell you only the former type is worth a damn. As he so succinctly (ha!) puts it in Poetics:

A beginning is that which does not itself follow anything by causal necessity, but after which something naturally is or comes to be. An end, on the contrary, is that which itself naturally follows some other thing, either by necessity, or as a rule, but has nothing following it. A middle is that which follows something as some other thing follows it. A well constructed plot, therefore, must neither begin nor end at haphazard, but conform to these principles.

So...yeah. There's that.

Just the other day I bought a trade paperback of Black Panther called Black Panther The Man Without Fear. It's just a six issue story arc but technically, it does meet the requirements of the term "graphic novel". It and other trades like it are probably the loosest example of the term and again, I don't want to get into a dissertation on the problems said term presents. But another problem I had with including books of this second type is the other spectrum - that certain collections are absolutely huge. They usually exist in what is called "omnibus" format and can contain up to forty issues of content. And often these omnibuses are so long that they don't just include one story arc but several. So am I cheating if I pick one of these?

After all, The Crow may be a great graphic novel and truly is one of my favourites, but in a desert island situation, can it really compete with a huge omnibus that contains thirty-five issues and four story arcs of my favourite run on Daredevil? And the manga Akira is easily one of my favourite works of graphic fiction (that works better, doesn't it? But of course, not all comics are works of fiction) but it's huge - well over two thousand pages. It's broken into six volumes. Each volume on its own, is technically a graphic novel but the entire work could never be collected into a single volume. So would I really want to pick for my stay on a deserted island one volume that's really just part of a larger story? It's different than picking a graphic novel that features say, a super hero because most of those are part of an ongoing continuity. But Akira has a beginning, middle and end.

You can see just how hard it was to figure all this out. In the end, I decided anything that fits the flawed, blanket term of graphic novel was eligible. This actually made things more difficult but I'd like to avoid making lists that have strange exceptions unless they're absolutely unavoidable for maintaining the spirit of the list.

So I apologize for this overly long intro but I really wanted to explain just what my process was for making the selections I came up with. Enjoy.

5. The Sandman: Endless Nights (Neil Gaiman and various artists)
This one actually isn't either type of graphic novel I explained above. It's a collection of stories - each one focusing on one of Dream's siblings, those being: Death, Desire, Despair, Destruction, Delirium and Destiny, and one featuring Dream himself. Each story is illustrated by a different artist or pair of artists and there are some pretty big names. Two of my own personal favourites, Bill Sienkiewicz and Frank Quitely, are among the contributers.

So naturally each story has a very different art style, including painting and collage. They're all beautiful to look at and make Endless Nights the most visually beautiful title in my graphic novel collection.

Given their subject matter, the stories are very unique and metaphysical in nature. Of course it's in this arena that Gaiman is most comfortable as a writer. This really adds to the re-readability of this collection (important because it isn't very long) and, combined with the quality and diversity of art, makes it absolutely essential for my desert island exile.

4. Batman: The Long Halloween (Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale)
I'm still not entirely sure which Batman graphic novel is my favourite, and I may never be, but I've decided that The Long Halloween is the one that makes the most sense to be shipwrecked (or plane crashed?) with. Obviously I need something with Batman. And I figured I should have a Batman that tells one definitive story that can stand completely on its own. That still didn't really narrow things down all that much. Great works by Frank Miller, Batman: Year One and Batman: The Dark Knight Returns both fall into this category and they also fall into the category of greatest Batman stories ever told. Both were given serious consideration for this list. But I eventually reasoned that if I was going to have just one Batman story (having more than one would seriously hinder my desire for variety in my five chosen graphic novels) then it should feature Batman in his element. That is to say, it should be something you could refer to as "classic Batman". So Dark Knight Returns was out. This was difficult as I reread that one very frequently.

In the case of Year One, while one could argue that the definitive telling of Batman's origin and first efforts at fighting crime in costume does have him in his element, it's just too early. He's only just learning and trying out his techniques. Also, the story doesn't have any of his iconic enemies - it's too early for them too. Finally, I decided that David Mazuchelli's art, while perfectly suited to the story being told, was just too ordinary for me to choose it over so many other works.

Arkham Asylum A Serious House on Serious Earth remains a masterpiece of Batman lore and it's another that I reread all the time. The painted art by Dave McKean is surreal and haunting. It's probably the most successful attempt to date in delving into Batman's complex psyche as well as the twisted psyches of his greatest foes. Plus a detailed history of the asylum itself is given, which is great. But at the end of the day, this is a fairly short story that's limited to just one location. That's just as it should be, of course but it causes the book to lose points in desert island appeal. I need a story that has Batman doing more.

The Long Halloween is also quite early in Batman's career. Gordon still isn't commissioner, Dick Grayson has not yet been recruited and the Falcone and Maroni crime families are still the primary criminals of Gotham. But some of Batman's colourful rogues gallery (as well as Catwoman, who to be fair, did show up in Year One) have started to appear and several are included in this story even though they don't play major roles. The Joker, Penguin, Poison Ivy, the Riddler and Scarecrow can all be seen here and they all play their part in keeping the story moving. Loeb even includes Solomon Grundy for some reason and tries to inject lamewad criminal the Calendar Man with some credibility.

But one of the major elements of The Long Halloween is the origin story of Two-Face. While Batman tries to keep the mobs in check and simultaneously hunts the serial killer known only as Holiday, the tragic fall of Harvey Dent is unwoven and it makes for compelling reading. One of Loeb's greatest strengths as a writer is his ability to juggle several balls in the air without becoming overwhelmed. He manages to tie all the elements together very effectively - probably more effectively than in his later effort, Hush, where I think the story suffers a bit from having too much going on - and the ending is satisfying but still leaves you wondering a bit. The story's main concern is the hunt for Holiday so it's very much a mystery. Even though reading it once reveals the solution (or does it?), I still feel it has great re-read value.

As far as giving us Batman "in his element" I think The Long Halloween succeeds tremendously. He's playing detective, fighting gangsters, visiting Arkham, tangling with some of his "theme" villains and doing his little tango with Catwoman. And since it's still early in his career we aren't distracted by any Robins, Batgirls, Oracles or intrusions by the Justice League. He's operating on his own. Along with the long slide of Dent we're also treated to the evolution of Batman's relationship with Gordon. This is where they're really starting to understand and trust one another.

I love Sale's art for this story. It has this sharp, positively retro look that perfectly depicts an episode that takes place fairly early on in Batman's career. I especially love the way he draws gangsters with their guns and pin-striped suits. His style has a very noir feel and most Batman stories, particularly those during his early years, are noir at their core.

As later works would prove, Loeb and Sale have a wonderful, enduring chemistry but I don't think it's ever better displayed than in The Long Halloween.

3. From Hell (Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell)
You knew Alan Moore would get at least one spot here. At least, I hope you did. The man's a genius. And like many super-talented people...eccentric. But still a genius. Don't believe me? Then maybe you should read From Hell.

On the simplest of levels, From Hell is a good desert island choice because it is long. Clocking in at 572 pages, there's also an extensive (sixty-six pages) appendix wherein Moore explains the research and thinking that went into many of the scenes. So once you're finished reading an epic tale of historical fiction (and my very favourite in the genre), there's still lots more.

Chronicling the Whitechapel Murders of the late 1880's attributed to the killer known most (in)famously as Jack the Ripper, From Hell is not a whodunnit or mystery of any kind. Instead it immediately shows us the identity of the killer and much of the story is from his own point of view. What is revealed is that the murders were part of conspiracy involving the British royal family and freemasonry. This theory was originally presented in the 1976 novel Jack The Ripper: The Final Solution by Stephen Knight. Moore has said that he doesn't personally believe this Ripper theory is at all likely (it's been discredited across the board) but that it makes for great fiction.

And great fiction it is indeed, with lots of non fiction woven in. We're given a wonderfully accurate view of Victorian London as a society. The architecture, which is central to the plot, is painstakingly reconstructed by artist Eddie Campbell. In black and white, the story is extremely gritty and visceral. No punches are pulled, nothing has been prettied up or glamourized. In a story filled with sex and violence, neither element is in any way stylized; it's just there, presented as banal to uncomfortable to downright disturbing.

All the major characters were real people and the historical backdrop is completely accurate. Moore proves that even in such a setting, he is in no way encumbered. If anything, he absolutely thrives in this environment, throwing in some cameos by other historical figures of the time. He also uses the narrative as a forum to explore his own ideas on the nature of time - something he also did to an extent in Watchmen.

Finally, Moore ably points out that many elements of 1880's London and the Ripper murders themselves, would foreshadow the direction the twentieth century would take. After completing the final kill, Gull wipes his hands and says "...the twentieth century. I have delivered it." Parts of the plot are very metaphysical in nature so even beyond the simple ingredient of a great story, there's compelling reading. I'd have to be as crazy as Gull himself to not take this comic masterpiece with me to read on the beach.

2. Daredevil by Brian Michael Bendis Omnibus Volume One (Brian Bendis, Alex Maleev, David Mack)
There was simply no getting around including a large omnibus volume and the first half of Bendis's seminal run on the Man Without Fear gets the nod.

After Kevin Smith's eight issue Guardian Devil arc kicked off the new Marvel Knights Daredevil series (which years later would be reconfigured back into the original series's numbering), the next few issues were handled by Mack, who did both the art and writing for the Parts of A Hole arc (issues 9 through 15) before Bendis arrived to write (with Mack still on art) the arc, Wake Up. This is where this omnibus begins but then it jumps over the next six issues which were done by Bob Gale (writer of the Back To The Future screenplay, you may recall) and artists Phil Winslade and David Ross. It picks back up at issue #26 with Bendis being joined by Maleev. The two would embark on an acclaimed four-year run on the book together. Omnibus Volume One concludes at issue #60.

Maleev's art style is perfect for a character like Daredevil. As much as I enjoy Guardian Devil, its art (by Joe Quesada) is just a little too cartoony and clean. But Maleev presents a jagged, grainy look further enhanced by stark, muted colours (lots of black and red) that meshes wonderfully with the stories Bendis tells.

As for the stories Bendis presents, they're as good or better than anything Frank Miller ever did with the character. Wake Up is cool because it's not so much about Daredevil but rather about how he affects others around him. Reporter Ben Urich (perhaps Daredevil's strongest supporting character; he's certainly more interesting than Foggy) visits a young boy in the hospital to try to piece together exactly what happened in an encounter between Daredevil and particularly pathetic costumed criminal, Leap Frog. The boy is actually Leap Frog's son and he's been in a near catatonic state since the event, communicating mostly through drawings. Mack's unique style really brings the story to life.

Subsequent arcs trace more familiar territory: Daredevil vs the Kingpin. But Bendis isn't just recycling old material here. The arc Underboss, which traces the roots and eventual result of an attempted coup within the Kingpin's organization, is extremely well-crafted and satisfying, giving us a tight story from lots of different angles. Bendis really excels at telling stories out of sequence. The fallout from the arc has Daredevil's secret identity - known to the Kingpin and many of his men for quite some time (read Born Again by Miller) - is finally leaked to the outside world and Matt's life comes crashing down around him. This leads to the next arc, Out.

The following arc, a shorter, three-issue story, Trial of the Century, wherein Matt defends Hector Ayala, the White Tiger, in court, features art not done by Maleev. While the story isn't as good as other arcs, it does serve an important purpose in kickstarting the evolution of Hector's niece, FBI Agent Angela del Toro, who would eventually become the new White Tiger.

I could take you through the next few arcs but realize this is getting tiresome. Just know that these are some of the greatest Daredevil stories ever told. We get more from the Kingpin, Echo and Black Widow, as well as an appearance by Typhoid Mary and the introduction of Matt's next great love interest, the also blind Milla Donovan. Tons of great stuff. Hell, it's tempting for me to pick Ominibus Volume Two as well.

1. Watchmen (Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons)
I first heard of Alan Moore and Watchmen sometime in 1999. At the time I was still trying to find my way into the world of comics. All I really knew about was Marvel and Batman. But I craved comics that weren't just about superheroes. I knew there were lots out there, I just didn't know where to begin. Some four years later, when I did begin, I began with....superheroes.

But anyway in the spring of 2005, with just more than a year of serious collecting under my belt, I went to audition for a musical downtown. I just happened to be wearing my Superman t-shirt and struck up a conversation with a teenage kid who was also into comics. He asked if I'd read Watchmen, and I, embarrassed, said I had. For the next few minutes I faked my way through a conversation about it. I quickly realized that while this story seemed to be yet another one about superheroes, there was something very different about it. Luckily we only discussed it in broad strokes so none of the plot was given away.

When I got home later that day, I didn't have the part but I wasn't too broken up over it. I hadn't been expecting to make the cut and had only gone for the experience. No, what was really on my mind was Watchmen. The next day I went back downtown and bought it. It was only the third or fourth graphic novel I'd ever bought and the first that wasn't Batman or X-Men. As much as I wanted to devour it right away (as is my usual custom), I decided to pace myself, reading only two chapters a day.

One week later my life was changed. I'm not kidding. Reading Watchmen changed my life. I decided then and there that someday, somehow, I would be part of the comic book industry. No, I can't draw but neither can Alan Moore (as far as I know). I'm still working on it to this day. The other thing that happened was I really stepped up my comic intake.

I know I haven't gone into any sort of analysis of Watchmen but I guess there's very little I could add that hasn't already been said. It's a brilliant work of fiction that hasn't aged at all to my mind. It's intelligent, powerful, introspective, philosophical and dynamic. Every panel crackles with energy and drips with story. While the ending is a little weak compared to the rest, I can't even call this a flaw. It's still a damn good ending. All I know is that I haven't gotten tired of it yet and I couldn't imagine not taking it with me if I had the choice.

Evil Santas

2011-12-06T23:12:00.001-08:00

December is upon us, and it just wouldn't feel like the holidays without writing a Christmas list. This year I'm focusing on the bearded obese man that so many of us worshiped growing up in the hopes of acquiring merchandise. While most Santas that we see at the mall or in Coca-Cola commercials are joyous and giving, this list will be about some malevolent incarnations of Kris Kringle.

It seems weird to take an iconic figure of peace and goodwill and turn him into a deadly villain, but it's happened more times than you'd think. I guess there's just something naturally entertaining about turning a character into the polar (*snicker*) opposite of what you'd expect. If you're wondering why Jack Skellington's turn as Sandy Claws from Nightmare Before Christmas didn't make the list, it's because even though he was a terrible Santa Claus and nearly ruined Christmas entirely, he had good intentions from the beginning and wasn't out to hurt anybody. Without further ado, here are five depictions of Santa Claus as a totally evil bastard.

5. Bad Santa (2003)
To kick off the list we have Billy Bob Thornton playing a con man who works at different malls as their Santa Claus to eventually rob them. It took me awhile to get around to watching this movie despite the almost cult following it has as being one of the funniest holiday movies. I enjoyed it and had some good laughs, but mostly I found Billy Bob's character frustratingly terrible. Maybe that's the point, but let's get to what matters here:

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, he's more of an asshole than evil, but I feel he has so many despicable qualities that they result in a truly horrible Santa Claus. Let's see ... he's an alcoholic, he's a criminal, he's profane, he's sleazy, he's disgusting, he hurts people, takes advantage of people, and does all of these things in front of children. He even beats up some kids at one point.

Plus, just appearance wise, how shitty is he as Santa? With his baggy, stained Santa suit hanging off his sickly frame, disheveled fake beard over his scraggly real beard, and piss-soaked pants. How he ever pulled off any crime with this ruse is beyond me. He is the definition of failure and just an awful human being.

4. Futurama's Robot Santa
Originally I wanted this list to only cover evil Santas from movies, but this recurring character from "Futurama" was deserving enough to make the cut. Robot Santa was built by The Friendly Robot Company to evaluate how nice or naughty people were to sort presents accordingly. Sadly, a programming error resulted in his standards being set too high, and now everyone is deemed naughty in his eyes. So on Christmas Eve, Robot Santa flies to earth and punishes the naughty with Christmas-themed murder.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Pretty damn evil. Robot Santa lives at the North Pole on Neptune in his Death Fortress. He's known for chopping off people's heads and stuffing their neck holes with toys. Don't know about you, but that sounds messed up to me.

3. Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)
For the price of one movie you get two evil Santa's. The film starts with a young boy, Billy, witnessing his parents being murdered by a crazed criminal in a Santa suit. Billy then grows up in an orphanage under the strict watch of nuns. Then as a teenager he gets a job as a stock boy in a toy shop, is forced to play the part of Santa for the Christmas season and ... well ... snaps.

HOW EVIL IS HE? As evil as an axe murderer who goes on a killing spree on Christmas Eve. Well, he also kills people with bow and arrows, x-mas lights, antlers, and other stuff, but mostly he wanders around with an axe. Billy is a psychologically scarred individual who has a mental breakdown over his traumatic memories of Santa Claus and ends up taking on the role of a vengeful Santa out to punish those who are "naughty".

Something I find interesting about Silent Night is how upset it made people: TV ads for the movie were pulled off the air for the depiction of Santa as a killer, Siskel and Ebert had a particular hatred for the film, and angry parents picketed outside theatres until it was pulled after only two weeks. The film remained stored away for another year before it got released on video. It could have been a bigger success since it opened the same week as Nightmare on Elm Street and was out-grossing Freddy until protests ruined all the fun. This film was a pioneer of the Evil Santa genre, and I suppose the concept of a killer St. Nick was just too evil for the public to handle at the time.

2. Santa's Slay (2005)
This movie tells the tale of the devil's son who lost a bet to an angel and was forced to become Santa Claus for 1000 years. And now, having fulfilled his commitment to the wager, Santa goes back to his evil ways and goes on a killing rampage through a small town.

When I first approached this movie, I was bracing myself for a very painful viewing experience. I mean, we're talking about Goldberg, the wrestler, playing Santa Claus in a horror film. But I'll be damned if I wasn't completely entertained. Yes, the acting is bad. Yes, the sets and props are visibly cheap. Yes, the premise is stupid as hell. However, you show me Santa Claus kicking a dog into a ceiling fan or running an old woman off the road with his bison-pulled sleigh, and I'll show you a guy who's having some holiday fun.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Well, besides doing the stuff I just mentioned, Santa racks up a considerable body count with some creative kills while spouting corny one-liners. He obliterates a family of six in about two minutes and later wreaks havoc at a strip bar.

As ridiculous as it is, I can't recommend this movie enough. It embraces the stupidity of it all, and manages to be funny and entertaining. With a running time of about an hour and fifteen minutes, you can't afford NOT to watch this with friends and laugh your balls off.

1. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
Okay, so we've seen Santa so far as an alcoholic douchebag, a deadly robot from space, a schizophrenic serial killer, and the son of the devil. Where do we go from here?

Finland.

Deep under the mountain of Korvatunturi an archaeological dig unearths the hidden tomb of Santa Claus - a supernatural being that would kidnap and punish bad children. The movie, set in a remote community near the mountain, follows the story of one family and their neighbours as they discover the truth behind the myth of Santa Claus.

HOW EVIL IS HE? Like many of the other entries in the list, Santa's goal is punishing the naughty instead of rewarding good children. We don't really know how he's "punishing" children, and we don't really understand what he is, but that just adds to the unsettling quality of a silent, frail old man with an ominous look about him. Something between a mythological creature and demon, this Santa is easily the most sinister and frightening I've come across.

The film itself is a mix of comedy, horror, and fantasy, but it captures some moments of intense suspense and dread. Sometimes it's laughably ridiculous, sometimes it's deadly serious, and I really enjoyed the careful film-making employed to balance the two extremes. I can't go into much detail here without spoiling some of the surprises the film has to offer, but I'll say that it creates an exceptional evil Santa using a "less is more" approach and it's worth your time to check out.

Merry Christmas! I hope you've been good this year. Or else!

MINI-LIST: Greatest Sandworms of All Time

2011-11-10T01:15:00.000-08:00

Throughout history storytellers have conjured monsters from their minds, and developed them into something great by using a tried and true method: take a small creature that exists in the real world and then increase its size until it becomes threatening and grotesque. Tolkien did it with spiders, Lovecraft did it with squids, and Frank Herbert did it with worms

Roughly 45 years ago the Sandworm emerged (from below, I imagine) and began showing up again and again in books, movies, games, and more. They've taken on many different forms, but one thing remains the same: they live and hunt underground and are great consuming beasts. How could you not love such a monster? Let's take a look, shall we?

5. Video Game Sandworms
Where can you find them? Well, in tons of games from the Legend of Zelda series to Shadow of the Colossus, and just about every Final Fantasy game from the last 25 years. If you're playing an RPG or entering a desert area, chances are you'll run into these bastards.
What do they look like? Depending on the game they can be anything from a puny annoyance to a train-sized nightmare. Features will vary but you can count on it having a mouth that wants to eat you.
What's your favourite sandworm encounter from a video game? It would probably have to be the boss fight from the desert temple in Link to the Past. Facing off against three fireball-spewing sandworms in a tiny room was (and still is) a blast.
How far does their influence reach? These worms stretch out across many genres of games and there are no signs of their appearances slowing. Fine with me. Nothing satisfies like slaying earthworms on steroids.

4. The Saturn Sandworm (Beetlejuice, 1988)
Where does it dwell? From all the times I've seen the movie I thought the sandworm just existed in some kind of unknown nether-world, but I've recently discovered that the limbo desert shown in the film is supposed to be on Saturn's moon Titan. It doesn't make much sense, but I shouldn't be looking to a movie like Beetlejuice for "sense".
What does it look like? This worm is easily identified by its Burton-esque black and white stripes, long fangs, and Xenomorph style "mouth inside another mouth".
Isn't this more like a sandsnake? Yeah, I can see the similarities, but it's still obviously a sandworm. Betelgeuse even calls them Sandworms, so don't argue.
How far does its influence reach? Besides being in the movie itself, the Saturn worm appeared often in the cartoon TV show based on the film, and merchandise of all sorts from t-shirts to toys.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Eating Betelgeuse, of course. It didn't really kill him, since he was already dead, or undead, or whatever, but it definitely got him. It was suggested that these two characters had encountered before and that Betelgeuse was quite afraid of them. My theory is that Betelgeuse had killed a sandworm and made his striped suit from its skin and the other worms have been pissed at him ever since.

3. The Sarlacc Pit (Return of the Jedi, 1983)
Where does it dwell? The Great Pit of Carkoon on the desert planet Tatooine.
What does it look like? It's basically's a giant gaping toothy vagina of the desert. It later developed tentacles and a beak. Not due to evolution, but because of a director who couldn't leave well enough alone.
How can you call this a worm? There is debate over how to classify Sarlacci. They share features of arthropods, carnivorous plants, as well as worms. But I find it to be suitable for this list because a Sarlacc Pit, like all sandworms, is essentially just a fearful devouring maw of the desert.
What's the most terrifying thing about them? Probably their digestive system that results in its prey being slowly dissolved over thousands of years. Yeah, that's gotta suck.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Eating the bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Yep, as much as Star Wars fans love Boba Fett, the truth is we never got to see him do too much in the movies before toppling headfirst into the Sarlacc Pit. Some fans will insist that Boba survived (because of the slow digestive process and because he supposedly kicks ass), but I say Boba Fett's inglorious death was just a foreshadowing of the horrendous things George Lucas would do to beloved characters in the prequel trilogy.

2. Graboids (Tremors, 1990)
Where does it dwell? Mostly around the small town of Perfection, Nevada.
What does it look like? Kind of like a big ol' slug with three snake-like tentacles in its mouth.
What's the best way to avoid being eaten by one? Graboids are fast, smart, and strong, but they can't travel above ground, so it's best to get as high as you can as fast as you can. An encounter with a Graboid quickly turns into a very stressful game of "The Ground is Lava" where you might be bitten in half at the waist. So haul ass to the nearest boulder or rooftop.
How far does its influence reach? Even though the Graboids saw many evolutionary mutations later on, the original movie did lead to two sequels, a prequel, and a TV series. Not bad.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? It's hard to say. Maybe it was pulling people and whole vehicles into the ground, spitting dynamite at Kevin Bacon, or trying its best to fly. In the end, Graboids are just entertaining as hell, and maybe my favourite sandworm of all.

1. Shai-Hulud "The Maker" (Dune, 1984)
Where does it dwell? The desert planet Arrakis.
What does it look like? Like the most massive fucking worm of the future you can imagine. 400 metres long with a mouth 80 metres wide and filled with crystalline teeth for days, this thing is like God's tapeworm.
So it's big? Big enough to swallow entire structures whole. Big enough to be worshiped for its magnificent size, power, and indefinite lifespan.
How far does its influence reach? Movies, TV series, books, computer games, you name it.
What was this worm's greatest achievement? Being the worm that started it all. As far as I can tell it was Frank Herbert's mind that gave sandworms to the world, and his vision is greater than anything that followed it. It doesn't need fancy things like tentacles, extra mouths, or eyes. It just needs to be huge beyond reason. All hail, the Grandfather of the Desert, Shai-Hulud, the "Worm who is God"!!

Cole's Fiftieth List Spectacular

2011-10-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Before I can get into the spirit of Desert Island Month I have to address something of great artistic and historical importance: this is my fiftieth list for Five-O-Rama! Any way you look at it, fifty is a number of great significance - scoring fifty goals, hitting fifty home runs, um...eating fifty hotdogs? Sleeping with fifty people? I don't remember where I was going with this. HOWEVER, writing fifty lists for Five- O-Rama - this perfect storm of fiveness - must be considered one of the greatest things a human can achieve. And here I am. So what am I going to do to mark the occasion? Why, break our only real rule, of course!

Prepare yourselves for a list of FIFTY! That's right, I've gone mad with power! So here are my fifty favourite comic book characters. This list only counts characters whose original incarnation was in comics and disregards comic strip characters like Calvin, Garfield and Linus. Also, if multiple versions of one character exist (and I mean character not title), only one can be included here. Naturally, it's dominated by Marvel characters but I think I've still included some others that may surprise you. It's all in order - my lists always are, I never take the easy way out! In a few years, with more reading, this list could change drastically. For the most part, I promise to keep entries mercifully short. Here we go.

50. Gwen Stacy - Marvel Comics
The greatest blonde bombshell in all comicdom, I'll always see her as Peter Parker's true love. She has it all over Mary Jane, who even though has had the advantage of being written in much more recent times, still comes across as a bimbo to me.

Now, do I wish Gwen would come back from the dead? Absolutely not. Her death was an incredible turning point in Peter Parker's life and Spider-Man's career and I would hate to see it undone for any reason. But yeah, I do miss her.

49. The Shade - DC Comics

I'm only just starting to get to know this long-tenured character in the pages of James Robinson's Starman but already he's made a huge impression on me.

He was created way back in the forties, first appearing in National Comics (an earlier incarnation of DC), mostly as an adversary for the Flash throughout the Golden Age. He would also play antagonist for the Silver Age Flash (Barry Allen).

An elegantly dressed man with the ability to manipulate and project darkness, The Shade has always been one of DC's most mysterious characters. His rebirth in Starman is what led me to him. There he is much less of a straightforward villain and more of a shadowy (pun intended) mentor, guiding Jack Knight along and sometimes aiding him in more direct fashions. It's revealed he's nearly immortal and has been around since the Victorian Age and used to run with guys like Oscar Wilde. The Shade is a rare suave and sophisticated individual with complicated motivations in a sea of over the top villain and hero types.

48. Fone Bone - Independent (later Scholastic Books)

He may not be an especially deep character, but Fone Bone is still an extremely endearing one. I'm certain it was Jeff Smith's intention to keep his characters rather simple and straightforward so that they would better fit into the story he's telling. But it would be a mistake to assume Bone's just a blank slate that events happen around. He's definitely got some personality.

His major traits are good manners, a cheerful nature and romantic sensibilities. He's often played against his cousins, Phoney Bone and Smiley Bone, for laughs and it's also fun to watch him trip all over himself whenever he's around the beautiful and spirited Thorne.

Fone Bone's not an overly complex character but he's an easy guy to root for and entertaining to follow.

47. Tintin - Methuen Publishing (English releases)
Ok, so this guy practically is a blank slate, I'll admit it. But he's Tintin! A character of indeterminate age, he is often called "the boy reporter". But he's shown that he can drive a car, fire a gun and punch pretty hard for a little guy (at most, he's 5'7).

Actually, the whole reporter thing is pretty sketchy considering he's never shown doing ANY writing or reporting but I guess Herge needed to give him some profession that would have him traveling all over the place.

He has no parents or family. At least, none are ever referenced. Tintin does have a sort of family of supporting characters around him - all male. In fact, females are almost nonexistent in Tintin's world which I think is another expression of his origins - the perspective of a preadolescent boy who is still too frightened of girls to begin dealing with them.

Sure by today's standards, a lot of Tintin's adventures are full of things like blatant colonialism, animal cruelty and racism. But still we forgive him because through it all, he projects an unwavering countenance of youthful innocence. Tintin, we salute you.

46. Otcho - Shogakukan/ViZ Media

One of the manga characters on this list, Otcho comes to us from Naoki Urasawa's 20th Century Boys. While Kenji is/was the unquestioned leader of the small band that opposed the Friends, Otcho (whose real name is Ochiai and was known as Shogun in the Bangkok underworld) was seen as the co-leader, and often the brains behind Kenji's wild enthusiasm. Both as a kid and adult, he's the more levelheaded of the two and when he grows up starts to lead a very different life from Kenji's at his parents's liquor store turned convenience store. In 1997, just when the Friend starts to make his more public moves, Kenji is working as a clerk and looking after his missing sister's baby daughter. Otcho is in Thailand clashing with gangs and spies.

I think Otcho is my favourite 20th Century Boys character because he's such a survivor. While all the major characters are forced into dangerous and harsh situations, I would say none moreso than him. He's also lost a great deal. But he always rises to the challenge. I still don't know how the story is going to end, but I'll be pulling for Otcho all the way.

45. Magik (Illyana Rasputin) - Marvel Comics

The younger sister of X Man Colossus, whom he often would refer to as his "Little Snowflake", Illyana has always appealed to me for the way she stands out as an outsider even amongst a group of outsiders. I guess spending about six years (roughly ages eight through fourteen) in the Limbo dimension surrounded by demons bent on corrupting your soul will do that to a person. Once she emerges back in the real world suddenly aged (to everyone else) and joins the New Mutants, it's a tough adjustment for everyone involved, not the least, big brother Peter.

Illyana just has a certain amount of angst in her character that I feel is very well balanced and subtly portrayed and that's always resonated with me. Writer Louise Simonson deserves most of the credit for this. I also believe that her close friendship with Kitty Pryde is one of the better relationships in Marvel comics, coming across as very believable and relateable in its ups and downs. She's my favourite New Mutant, Russian and demonic princess.

44. Mister Sinister - Marvel Comics

The man who was scientist Nathaniel Essex remains one of the X-Men's most dangerous and surely, most obsessive enemies. True, his powers have never been too clearly defined (I can't figure them out anyway) but it's his manipulative abilities that make him special.

Sinister's one true passion is genetics, and in a world full of mutants and other superbeings, he has a lot of toys to play with. Because that's really how he views lives - as disposable commodities for him to use and discard at his leisure in the pursuit of genetic perfection. He takes the whole immoral scientist trope to a whole new stratosphere, at one point having an entire community of mutants wiped out (the Morloks) just to satisfy his ego.

It's his obsession with Scott Summers and Jean Grey and any "progeny" they may produce that really drives Sinister and has caused him to clash with the X-Men time and again, having observed and manipulated Scott and his brothers since their early childhood. It's too complicated to go into but without Sinister, there would have been no Madelyne Pryor, Cable, X-Man and many other characters. His actions ripple throughout most of the Marvel U.

43. Blue Beetle (Ted Kord) - DC Comics

While it's true that I haven't actually read too much stuff that contains the second Blue Beetle, I do own the comic that features his death. Oh, did I just spoil that for you? Sorry. Yeah, Ted's dead. But he died a hero.

Ted's Blue Beetle can be viewed as a sort of Batman Lite. He's a rich genius type who develops all sorts of cool tech but he doesn't sport a cape or lurk in the shadows. But he was also known to do some decent detective work (in fact that's what led to him getting killed).

I like him because even though he's obviously an extraordinary person, he's really very normal and accessible. He doesn't carry around a lot of baggage or dark burdens and just isn't the brooding type. I also like how he embraced his role as one of the Justice League's lesser lights, never getting particularly bitter over the fact that he's often overlooked within the superhero community. His friendship with time traveling maverick Booster Gold was another facet of this and the two had lots of great adventures together but rarely earned any credit for their efforts.

I actually do wish Ted would have been restored to life in DC's latest big reboot. If he had, you can bet I would be following the new Blue Beetle series. But since it's not him I just can't get excited about it.

42. The Scarecrow (Jonathan Crane) - DC Comics
The concept of fear has been explored a ton in comics and plenty of characters have used it as their motivation and modus operandi. But none have done it for as long or as well as Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow.

A Batman foe with true staying power, even though his obsession with fear is basically all there is to his character, I haven't tired of seeing him. Credit must be given to writers for finding different and interesting ways of using him in their stories. Batman has of course defeated him countless times, but he remains a very real and dangerous threat. Something many comic book villains, particularly the older ones, face is that after decades of performing their schtick, they are in danger of becoming parodies of themselves. I don't believe this has happened to Crane.

41. Atom - Kodansha, Dark Horse Comics

Known as Astro Boy in most places outside Japan, Atom is probably the most enduring figure in manga created by the godfather of manga himself, Osamu Tezuka. His original series ran from 1952 to 1968, all written and drawn by Tezuka.

Again we have a case of a character who, despite his longevity, doesn't have a ton of depth. But he's just such an icon of manga (and anime too) that I have to include him. Tezuka revealed that he purposely kept Atom's character fairly one dimensional because he was supposed to be a symbol of good. But if you do enough reading, you can find cases of him dealing with deeper issues, sometimes causing strong inner conflict.

The one recurring issue is his struggle as a robot in a world ruled by humans. He strives to protect the innocent and uphold justice and this often leads him into conflicts with other robots, who he never feels comfortable fighting. Even though Tezuka aimed to keep Atom a straightforward symbol of good, in the stories he told, he showed that "good" can be very difficult to define at times. But however complicated things became, Atom acted bravely and heroically even if he was left with serious questions afterwards. Guess he had more depth than we thought.

40. Deadshot - DC Comics

Deadshot's just one of those assassins that follows a code - any target for the right price with emotion and ego not entering the equation. So he's not all that original. But he has a cool look and his skills are such that he can go toe to toe with many of the DC U's superpowered heroes despite not having any powers himself.

His backstory involves an abusive and tragic childhood which undoubtedly led to his choice of profession. But it would be a mistake to label him a psychopath even though he kills without emotion. Whatever he is, he doesn't display any particular enjoyment whenever he makes a kill, so he's not like Marvel's Bullseye at his core although the two do share many similarities.

I just like him because he's one of those villains who never really has any grand schemes (except perhaps during his first appearance when he attempted to replace Batman as Gotham's vigilante by killing all its criminals) but just goes about his job with professionalism and some style. Even when he's thwarted he usually manages to get away because he's pretty good at coming up with and executing contingency plans. This is another trait that allows him to often successfully take on some of DC's big guns. You've gotta respect that.

39. Ultimate Hawkeye - Marvel Comics (Ultimate line)

Now we come to another expert marksman and passionless killer. But this one is regarded mostly as a "good guy". He's also the only Ultimate character to make this list as I prefer him to his regular Marvel 616 version in every way.

For one thing, you'll never see him running around in a skirt. And this Clint Barton prefers guns to bows and arrows, no matter how many fancy trick arrows there are. Guns are just more practical. Like most characters in the Ultimate Universe, this Hawkeye is a lot edgier than his 616 counterpart. Regular Hawkeye certainly never killed anyone. Usually, I don't really care but in the case of Barton, it really works.

I must not be the only person who feels this way since he just landed his own ongoing series.

38. Luke Cage - Marvel Comics

Over the past decade, this character has really risen to prominence in the Marvel Universe, mostly due to the efforts of writer Brian Bendis. And I could not be happier. Throughout the second half of the eighties and pretty much all of the nineties, Luke Cage was a rarely seen guy who was never really involved in any of the bigger events that went on. But these days he's the leader of the New Avengers and is nearly as influential as Iron Man and Captain America.

Cage is unapologetically black and I think that's nice to see. When he was created back in the seventies he was one of the very first black superheroes. That he was born and raised on the streets of Harlem is actually kind of refreshing when you look at some other black characters from that era. Even though Cage grew up in rough neighbourhoods and even spent some of his youth in gangs, he became a good man and today is one of Marvel's heroes with the most integrity.

He was imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit but when he was finally released (now with powers) he wasn't bitter. Unlike so many in his position, he didn't seek revenge on the society that had wronged him. He only worked to make the world, particularly his small part of it, a better place. I believe his pairing with Iron Fist for their Heroes For Hire agency made for one of the great tandems in comics.

I didn't mean to focus so much on race when speaking of Cage. Really, there are plenty of things about him that are more important. But Cage himself is proud of who he is and where he came from. He doesn't go around playing the race card or accusing everyone of racism. He just is who he is and if that means shouting stuff like "Damn!" and "Sweet Christmas!" then more power to him.

37. Psylocke - Marvel Comics

God, I love her. Whether she's white or Asian, telepathic or telekinetic (look it up), Psylocke is smart, sexy and awesome. Yes, I have a crush on her. Yes, there's probably more to say here but I just need a minute to myself.

36. Quicksilver (Age of Apocalypse version) - Marvel Comics

In an alternate timeline created by a time paradox, Magneto's son Pietro is a greater hero than he ever was in the 616 universe. Maybe having his father leading the X-Men was the change he needed to fulfill his true potential. The AoA is one of my favourite Marvel storylines of the last twenty-five years so I've read it many times. This leaves no doubt in my mind that Quicksilver is at his best here.

When Magneto splits the team into two smaller squads, Pietro leads one while Rogue the other. I'm fairly certain that in 616, there is no point that he leads any team. But here he thrives, his greatest moment coming when he risks his life to save a human child from the clutches of insane Horseman Abyss. He doesn't defeat the powerful mutant by himself - a heroic sacrifice by Banshee seals the deal - but he nonetheless shows great bravery, skill and poise.

In the regular timeline Pietro (along with sister Wanda) had to struggle with the fact that growing up and even into adulthood, they were under their father's thumb and did whatever he commanded, which led them to be terrorists. Even after he becomes an Avenger (the most prestigious team gig someone can land in the Marvel U) he is plagued by self doubt and guilt. But in the AoA, his father is on the side of good before he (Pietro) is even born. I think that this, plus the tragic loss of his sister, shaped him into a more confident and effective hero.

35. Ben Urich - Marvel Comics

Ben's no superhero or adventurer, he's just a reporter. But he's a damn good one and he's seen more than his share of danger and craziness. Being friends with Daredevil and Spider-Man will do that to a person.

Urich really came into his own during Frank Miller's run on Daredevil in the early eighties. He showed a lot of nerve in trying to expose Wilson Fisk as the Kingpin and barely survived the experience. But ever since then he's been a really gutsy guy with lots of integrity. He clashes with volatile Daily Bugle editor in chief and owner J. Jonah Jameson almost constantly over reporting issues, using involving various superheroes. Jameson, while not a man to suffer being stood up to, has respected Urich's talents enough to never fire him.

Ben's an important supporting character to have around in Marvel because he reminds us that "normal" people can still accomplish a lot in a world of super beings, ghosts, aliens and monsters.

34. L - Shueisha/ Madman Entertainment

In the epic and deadly battle of wits that takes centre stage in the manga Death Note, the mysterious L represents the side of good. While the morally corrupted Light is the series's true protagonist, I think most people still see him as the villain considering his agenda of extreme force in the pursuit of his own idea of justice. And hey, sometimes in a series, you may find yourself rooting for the villain if he's a well-written and appealing character. I would say that Light certainly is this. But I just like L more and almost immediately found myself on his side.

What makes the matchup here so effective is that Light and L have a lot of things in common - they're both young and brilliant, they both believe in justice (although their definitions are very different) and they're both obsessive in their missions. But Light is highly arrogant and shows that he has little to no respect for the viewpoints of others and is completely at ease using people, even those who he sees as "innocent", for his own ends. He shows very early on that if he isn't a psychopath, he's at the very least a sociopath. L on the other hand, while slow to trust others, will work with them and dedicates his life to protecting them.

But if I was just compiling a list of heroic, boy scout types, this list would be quite different. L is here because I find him interesting in addition to his moral fibre and high intelligence. I enjoy his odd little habits and mannerisms and, when it comes down to it, I believe that he truly is smarter than Light. He starts off with an extreme disadvantage but very quickly makes up ground in the fight against Kira. His backstory is revealed very slowly which helps in making him all the more interesting.

33. Northstar - Marvel Comics

The first Canadian to appear on this list, Northstar was a member of Alpha Flight and later the X-Men. He's one of those characters who I don't think ever really received the credit he deserved. I don't really have the time to list his accomplishments - this list is long enough as it is (we're not halfway yet!) - but I will say that he's yet another brave and honourable guy.

In the Marvel U, it's hard growing up as a mutant. And there, as here in the real world, it's hard growing up as a homosexual. Northstar grew up as both but as long as he was able to keep it a secret, he had things pretty good. He was a downhill skiing champion and an all around well-liked guy. But long ago he was outed as both mutant and gay and naturally had a lot of adversity to deal with.

He's also a rare Francophone character in popular comics and adds a little diversity. I think what I liked about him initially was just his powers, which are very cool. But as I got to know more about him, particularly when he was one of the teachers at Xavier's school, working with young mutants, he became one of my favourite characters related to the X-Men and eventually, one of my favourite comic book characters of all.

32. Echo - Marvel Comics

The only deaf superhero, I'm aware of, the half Native American Maya Lopez is able to compensate for this disability by being a unique prodigy. She has what are referred to as "photographic reflexes", which means she is able to perfectly replicate other people's movements, just by observing them. Usually she only has to watch someone do something once in order to perform it herself. Even though she can't hear, she was able to become a concert pianist just by watching others play.

Using this ability, she's become a superb hand to hand fighter and gymnast, mostly from watching her mentor Daredevil, himself a "disabled" superhero. But she can also do things like pilot jets, do ballet and paint, all extremely efficiently (although I think the painting is just a natural talent unrelated to her other abilities). Also, unlike deaf people, she is able to speak with normal inflection.

It took a little while for Maya to come out from under Dardevil's shadow but she's since proven to be a vital player for the Avengers, infiltrating the Japanese underworld as the mysterious Ronin and later helping out during the Secret Invasion of the Skrulls.

Currently she's out on the West Coast operating solo to take down local crime syndicates. In this way she's crossed paths with my boy Moon Knight and reluctantly agreed to work with him (after phoning the Avengers to ask how crazy he is). I'm really hoping the two hit it off and become an item. Moony deserves a nice girl.

31. Kaneda - Kodansha/ Epic Comics/ Dark Horse Comics
In Katsuhiro Otomo's epic cyberpunk saga Akira, the main character definitely isn't your typical hero type. In fact, he's a cocky little teenage street punk. He's not that smart, a skirt-chaser and a delinquent. But Kaneda is still loveable. He does have some morals and his best asset is definitely his nerve. You can say a lot about him, but you can't say he doesn't have guts. Over and over he hurls himself into ridiculously dangerous situations, rarely showing any fear or apprehension. He always manages to come out of things alive, sometimes getting by on pure dumb luck. But he doesn't quit.

As I said, he does sort of have his own code of honour. Once Tetsuo's powers start to manifest and the army is chasing him, Kaneda doggedly throws himself between them, declaring that if anyone was going to kill Tetsuo, then it should be his friends. The truth is, on some level, he does feel responsible for Tetsuo's aggression. But not that responsible. He still believes that even though things were often tough on Tetsuo, it doesn't give him the right to lash out that way he does. And he's right.

Even though through most of the story, Kaneda is caught up in events that he doesn't really understand, he still tries his best to do what he believes to be the right thing. Whether that's taking care of Tetsuo or helping Kei (who really doesn't want his help for the most part), his heart is in the right place.

By the time everything's over, Kaneda is definitely changed, as well as all of Neo-Tokyo. But what I like is that he hasn't changed that much. He's still pretty cocky and he's definitely not any smarter. But I'll always love him for his courage and tenacity. Even in the dynamic realm of graphic fiction, it's hard to find a character with more sheer pluck.

30. Deadpool - Marvel Comics

I know he's gone through quite a bit of overexposure these past few years but still, who doesn't like the Merc With a Mouth?

Emerging from the Dark Age of Comics in the pages of Rob Liefeld's New Mutants, Deadpool has since become a mainstay in the Marvel U, popping up in every title and starring in a multitude of his own series. He's got great fighting skills (more improvisational than learned technique) and a healing factor like Wolverine's. His face and body are such a mess that he wears a costume that covers his entire frame ala Spider-Man. But what sets him apart is his deranged personality.

The best things about any Deadpool appearance are his wacky sense of humour and almost suicidal tactics. He'll take on anyone and anything, all the while making quips. But unlike Spider-Man, whose jokes are usually at least somewhat witty, Deadpool's are...just off the wall. And the best thing about any title starring Deadpool is that he always narrates it, breaking the fourth wall. He's completely aware that he's a comic book character - or is he? After, all within the context of Marvel comics, that is the "real" world. But either way you look at it, it's funny. Deadpool's caption boxes and speech balloons are always bright yellow; an expression of his different point of view.

So yeah, he is overused but at least he's a lot fun.

29. Huntress - DC Comics

In DC, as far as super hot female characters go the big guns are of course Wonder Woman, Supergirl and probably Black Canary. But for my money, no one's hotter than Huntress. Of course, sex appeal alone isn't what lands her on this list. I just love how driven and committed she is. And Helena Bertinelli, born into one of Gotham City's more prominent Mafia families, has plenty of motivation. At a very young age, she was kidnapped by a rival mob and raped. When she was nineteen she witnessed the murder of her entire family.

Don't confuse Huntress with Batgirl (although she very briefly adopted the mantle during No Man's Land) - it isn't a thirst for justice that drives her, it's pure rage. Because of this, she's often very violent in her methods, seeking to punish physically the criminals she engages. While Batman and those who work under him usually fight in a style that seeks to disable opponents quickly using the minimum amount of force, Huntress is all about making them hurt. Kind of like Moon Knight.

Batman eventually supported her membership in the Justice League because he hoped that being around the other heroes would have a good influence on her. Maybe mellow her out a little and show her the "proper" way to fight crime. For awhile it worked, but she wound up resigning after Batman intervened to stop her from killing an enemy. She would go on to join the Birds of Prey where she proved to be a pretty good team player but I think it's inevitable that she'll end up on her own again.

Huntress is a loner, violent, heroic and hot as hell. Just my type.

28. Bullseye - Marvel Comics

Bullseye, whose real name we still don't really know, is crazier than Deadshot but not quite as nuts as Deadpool. He likes to make jokes and he loves to kill people. And as far as non-powered characters in the Marvel U go, there may be no one who's better at it. This is the man who killed Elektra, remember.

The eternal nemesis of the Man Without Fear, I'm pretty sure Bullseye is still dead in current continuity having finally been killed by the aforementioned hero. But I can't see him staying that way. He's simply too good of a character to keep on the sidelines.

During all the Dark Reign nonsense, he was a member of Norman Osborne's Dark Avengers, taking on the title of Hawkeye to mock the original team. That was ok, I guess but I think we can all agree it's best to have him operating alone as an assassin for hire. I do realize pitting him against Daredevil over and over again all these years can get old and it's good that different things have been tried with him. But I don't like seeing him out of his element.

Bullseye may be the most straightforward example of a killer the Marvel U has and it's always enjoyable to see him in action. He's proven that he can even take on superpowered heroes in some situations and hold his own. You have to respect that.

27. Sandman - DC Comics

A Golden Age hero revived in the nineties (but still set in the thirties), Wesley Dodds is a great pulp character. His costume is simply a green business suit and fedora, with a gas mask to protect his identity as well as his lungs from the sleeping gas that is his main weapon against criminals. Well, main physical weapon, that is. Dodds is very much a detective and investigation is his forte.

Although he would go on to be one of the founding members of the Justice Society of America, the Sandman really works best on his own. In 1941 he was given a more superhero-like costume and even a young sidekick. Throughout the next few decades he would make sporadic appearances in various DC titles. But it was in 1993 that he was returned to his noirish roots in the pages of Sandman Mystery Theatre on the Vertigo imprint. These stories chronicled his solo adventures in the thirties. Here he was clearly defined as the rich, seemingly low key Wesley Dodds who moved in the highest circles of New York society by day while operating as the shadowy and mysterious Sandman by night.

What I like about Dodds is that he is far from your typical superhero. His civilian identity is far more mild mannered than Superman's could ever hope to be. A very ordinary and bookish looking fellow in glasses, Dodds still has proven that he can be physical. In fact, he's downright tough, often suffering serious injuries including gunshot wounds in the line of duty. Also, he seems to almost take on a different personality when he dons his gas mask, speaking in a much different manner.

While possessing no apparent superhuman abilities, Dodds has been shown to have prophetic dreams - this is due to the connection between him and Neil Gaiman's own Sandman, Dream. Actually it was mainly because of the popularity of that series that the Golden Age character had his revival. In the one-shot Sandman Midnight Theatre (written by Gaiman), the two even share a brief interaction. I'm just glad for that coincidental sharing of the Sandman name, otherwise I most likely would never have heard of him.

26. Nightcrawler - Marvel Comics

One of the kindest and gentlest souls in the Marvel U contained in a body that many people would say resembles a demon, Kurt Wagner has always been one of my very favourite X-Men. He has superb agility as well as the ability to teleport. Despite his extremely difficult youth, he's always had a lighthearted and carefree manner and is one of the more sociable X-Men - remarkable when you consider the built-in barrier his appearance represents.

Kurt is also one of the more openly religious characters in Marvel, finding comfort in the Catholic faith. But he is still one of the least judgmental. I'm sure his own experiences have a lot to do with that. But at the same time, his experiences haven't caused his faith to waver either.

While so many of the X-Men are tortured and brooding types, Nightcrawler is a fun-loving swashbuckler and one of the only characters who is consistently able to make Wolverine laugh and smile. That alone could get him a place here.

25. Ra's Al Ghul - DC Comics
Before the Demon's Head came along, Batman had never faced a foe of such cunning or of such resources that actually outmatched his own. He deduced Batman's secret identity fairly easily and is one of the few characters who can successfully match wits with him. Of course, having experience helps - Ra's has been around for going on six centuries thanks to the healing and revitalizing magic of his Lazorous Pits.

His relationship with Batman (whom he always calls "Detective") goes well beyond the usual hero/villain dynamic as the two have often found themselves on the same side in certain situations. And that was even before Bruce discovered his son Damian, who he had with Ra's daughter, Talia. So now the two are, for better or for worse, family.

Ra's's goals are also far from conventional, as he strives to return planet earth to what he believes to be a "natural balance." So I guess you could call him a glorified eco terrorist but really, that would only be scratching the surface.

24. Kei - Kodansha/ Epic Comics/ Dark Horse Comics

Kaneda is so clueless that he originally views Kei as a damsel in distress that he can sweep off her feet. But she proves to be anything but (although to be fair, he does manage to save her life a couple times).

While Kaneda and his gang were cruising the streets, hassling citizens and clashing with the Clowns, Kei, also a teenager, was trying to bring about real social change in the quasi-fascist society of Neo-Tokyo. Part of an underground terrorist organization, Kei shows guts and maturity well beyond her years. Initially she views Kaneda as an idiot and she's not far wrong. I love the dynamic the two create when they're racing from one dangerous situation to the next.

Actually, in some panels, it can be kinda hard to tell the two apart - Kei sports a short, boyish haircut and certainly doesn't dress very girly. Another quirk that I'll admit to being into.

Even though Kaneda is probably the main character in Akira, Kei is every bit as important and the relationship that develops between the two is very interesting and satisfying. Like most of the females on this list, Kei is tough and independent and yeah, sometimes I wish she was my girlfriend.

23. Kingpin - Marvel Comics

In his earliest appearances Wilson Fisk was a Spider-Man enemy but in those days was never used to his full potential. It wasn't until the end of the seventies in the pages of Daredevil that North America's (and possibly the world's) biggest (in more ways than one) crimelord truly started to be explored as a character. What we discovered was a malevolent man with a neverending thirst for power. He's had his ups and downs but when he's on top he controls about 90% of all organized crime on the east coast and has a controlling interest in many other parts of the United States. He has military men, politicians and law enforcement agents all in his pocket. His influence stretches across the continents.

And while he doesn't have any special powers he is an extremely imposing physical specimen, able to single-handedly defeat highly trained opponents. But his real asset is his mind. He's a master planner and expert in the fields of manipulation, extortion, blackmail and coercion. He's so well-protected and possesses such foresight that he often is able to keep various superpowered and/or technologically advanced agents under his thumb. This is a man who is calm in a room with the likes of Bullseye and Hobgoblin.

Over the years, the complexity of the man who is the Kingpin has been revealed. His love for his wife Vanessa, his problems with his son, Richard. His constant battle with vigilante Daredevil. Through it all, he has shown that he is a survivor. He's lost his criminal empire more than once, only to regain it all over again, starting with nothing. There will always be a Kingpin of Crime.

22. Scarlet Spider - Marvel Comics
Yup, he's a clone. Yes, he looks just like and has the exact same powers as Spider-Man. But there's just something about Ben Reilly that I've always responded to. Giving you his convoluted history leading up to the Clone Saga would be enough to bore us both into comas so let's skip it.

Considering that he was the same talents and abilities as Spidey and obviously a very similar personality, it may seem redundant of me to include him on this list. But there are some key differences between the two. For one thing, Ben spent five years wandering around America on his own with almost no direction. This naturally led him to be a lot less personable than Peter. He never had any lasting friendships and rarely stayed in one place for very long. Also as self-hating as Parker can get, and that's quite a bit, Ben is even moreso because he knows he's a clone. So he always views himself as second-rate. Sometimes he even believes that he's completely undeserving of happiness.

I know what you're thinking: So he's even more whiney and self-hating? That's what you like about him? Well, actually...yeah. I also really dig the Scarlet Spider costume - a simple red suit with a sleeveless blue hoodie worn over it. His webshooters are on the outside of the costume so they're visible. Unlike Parker, he employed two different kinds of webbing: impact webbing that exploded on contact and encased its target, and stingers, small diamond-shaped darts that temporarily paralyzed opponents.

Of course for awhile, he did take over as Spider-Man, when all parties involved were led to believe that he was the real deal and Parker was actually the clone (sigh). And he did a good job of it. He even joined the New Warriors for awhile and gave that group of misfits some credibility. Of course, he still compared himself to Peter and was plagued by the same self-doubt he had while believing he was a clone.

Ben died heroically, saving Peter from eternal nemesis the Green Goblin. In the years since, any continuity involving him has been mostly swept under the rug, to protect us all from the shameful mess that was the Clone Saga. Which was really unfair to Ben. But in the past few months, there have been rumblings that he may be making a return. I really hope he does.

21. Sabretooth - Marvel Comics

Much like his arch foe Wolverine, fellow Canadian mutant Victor Creed has quite the long and tumultuous backstory, having lived for well over a century. Also like Wolvie he's had his mind and memories screwed with on multiple occasions. Of course there's more - he's also got a healing factor and animalistic abilities like a certain member of the X-Men.

But of course the main difference between the two is that Sabretooth is all too happy to give in to his animalistic side and delights in killing. Wolverine's definitely had moments like this but for the most part, he's done his damnedest to keep his rage in check. While Wolverine has been a soldier, secret agent and mutant freedom fighter, Creed has walked a different path (although he was also a secret agent), taking on any number of jobs and roles to satisfy his bloodlust.

So I really shouldn't have to sell you on why he's cool. Even when he's not being used as a foil for Logan, Sabretooth stands on his own as a strong character who's fun to read. Let's move on.

20. Rachel Grey - Marvel Comics

Anyone who reads comics knows that for some reason, writers and artists really dig redheads. They're everywhere. The Marvel U is a perfect example of this. You've got Mary Jane Watson, the Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Jean Grey, Rahne Sinclair (Wolfsbane), Angelica Jones (Firestar) and so on. But my favourite is Scott Summers's and Jean Grey's alternate future daughter Rachel.

For a long time she went by Rachel Summers but after Scott started knocking boots with uber bitch Emma Frost, she changed to Grey in tribute to her mother. I think she made the right call.

Born in an alternate future timeline (Days of Future Past) where sentinels rule and mutants are rounded up in concentration camps, through all sorts of Marvel craziness she eventually winds up in the 616 timeline and joins the X-Men. Like her mother before her, she became inbued with the power of the Phoenix Force (although only a fraction of it) and took Phoenix as her codename.

In even more Marvel time traveling craziness (getting lost in the timestream during an adventure with Excalibur), it's actually her that transports her parents into the far future to care for Cyclop's son Nathan (who would grow up to be Cable) for twelve years.

Sometime after M Day and the changing of her name to Grey, Rachel decided to spend some time with her mother's family. She was really enjoying it until a strike force from the Shi'ar Empire was sent to kill every one of them. Only Rachel survived and she swore an oath of vengeance against the Shi'ar. As a result of that event, she now sports a huge marking on her back that looks like a pretty badass tattoo.

Like her mother, Rachel possesses vast telepathic and telekinetic powers and her past link with the Phoenix Force gave her even greater psionic abilities allowing her to manipulate time, space, matter and energy in almost unlimited ways.

For someone so young, she's seen and done a lot, even by Marvel's standards. And her new tougher persona since the Shi'ar business makes her appeal to me even more.

19. Hellboy - Dark Horse Comics

Mike Mignola's globetrotting demonic hero has got to be one of the most important comic book characters of the past twenty years. This is probably more due to the world he inhabits than the character himself but it would be a mistake to overlook just how great a character Hellboy is.

Born in an age of anti heroes, the Dark Age of comic books, Hellboy had all the ingredients to be one more. His origins and supposed destiny are certainly dark and troubling. But from the outset, Hellboy has worked on the side of good, and rather than allowing his roots to bother him, he mostly does his best to not think about them.

Hellboy's appeal lies in the great contrast he makes against the situations he always finds himself in. Although he may or may not be some agent of Hell and is definitely not human, he carries himself very much like your average joe. He approaches his dark and dangerous work in a very blue collar style and it's immediately clear that's he's a blue collar guy. Sure he's always dealing with monsters, vampires, witches and even more horrible things but he still somehow manages to stay grounded in the "ordinary" world. He has simple pleasures. He's a smoker (I'm pretty sure tobacco and nicotine don't harm his health), enjoys a good stiff drink and is more than happy to spend an evening quietly, perhaps playing cards or reading.

Through the years as his saga has unfolded and he's found out more and more about himself, he hasn't let any of that change him. Sometimes he definitely has his doubts about what he does - this led him to resigning from the BPRD in 2001 - but he's never allowed it to get to him to such a point that he's wallowed in self-pity or lashed out at others.

Probably what I like best about Hellboy is that he's a funny guy. He just has this quiet, understated sense of humour that always mixes great with the fantastic adventures he embarks on. Sometimes he only has to say a word or two to actually make me laugh out loud.

I don't know if Mignola has an actual endgame in mind for Hellboy but if he does, I hope that's still some years away.

18. Beast - Marvel Comics

One of the five original X-Men, Dr. Henry McCoy started out as the brains of the outfit and has played that role well over the decades for various incarnations of the team as well as the Avengers. But there's really so much more to his character.

For one thing, Beast is funny. When he's not quoting famous authors he's making sarcastic comments that show he's got plenty of wit to go with all those book smarts. He's had some pretty good back and forths with Spider-Man too. The two actually have a lot of things in common personality-wise.

While his principle field is biology and genetics, he's shown to have plenty of technical know-how, always tinkering with various inventions and devices. This has saved the X-Men's collective bacon more than once, I can tell you.

Beast also is one of those mutants whose appearance is so obviously different from a normal human that he's had his share of social problems and insecurities. But for the most part he keeps that stuff below the surface and comports himself as one of the more easy going and friendlier of the X-Men. Usually this quickly wins over anyone first meeting him, to the point that they'll completely overlook his blue fur and claws.

Beast is just one of those all around good guys who is always working to make the world a better place as well as doing his best to make those around him feel at ease. He's a stellar teammate and even better friend.

17. Starman (Jack Knight) - DC Comics

The son of Golden Age Starman Ted Knight, Jack never planned to take over his father's mantle. In fact, he was always kind of embarrassed by the fact that his old man ran around in tights fighting bad guys. He thought his dad, a brilliant scientist, was wasting his gifts on "kid stuff" playing hero solo and with the Justice Society of America in the forties and fifties.

No, it was Ted's other son, David, who became the new Starman initially. But his tenure didn't last long and shortly afterward the reluctant Jack was forced by a series of circumstances to take up the cosmic rod. Once he accepted that Opal City needed a Starman, he acquiesced. But he was going to do things his way. Firstly, this meant no costume. Jack's Starman simply wears a leather jacket with a star emblem on the back and an old pair of World War One flight goggles to protect his eyes from the light of the rod and during flight.

Sort of an author avatar for creator James Robinson, Jack is a hipster GenXer whose true passion is junk dealing. He initially has sort of a selfish attitude and as he tells one villain "none of [his] father's noble sense of heroism." Of course this changes somewhat over time but he still remains himself.

He's fun to read what with his cynical attitude and anti-hero like heroism. Plus, with his dad as well as the Shade both playing mentor for him and psychadelic dream-visits from the deceased David, we really get to see his personality from a lot of different angles. Realizing I'd overlooked non Batman-related characters in the DC U for too long, I was excited to make the discovery of the Starman of the nineties and only look forward to reading more.

16. Batgirl (Cassandra Cain) - DC Comics
Barbara Gordon is probably the Batgirl of choice for most people, but as it's been well-established on this list and others, I dig screwed up chicks. And it's hard to find a chick more screwed up than Cassandra Cain.

Daughter of infamous assassins David Cain and Lady Shiva, she was raised to be the perfect fighting machine. To achieve this, Cain tried a rather unique approach with his young daughter, depriving her of human contact besides his own and not exposing her to any language besides that of the body. So while she grew up mute, unable to understand spoken language and illiterate, she was able to read people's body movements so effectively that she could anticipate what they were going to do. She was taught all sorts of forms of martial arts and mastered them all.

During the confusion and chaos of No Man's Land in Gotham Cassandra became the new Batgirl, the position having been vacant for years. With support and guidance from her predecessor Barbara, despite the obvious communication barrier, she proved herself to Batman saving Commissioner Gordon's life.

I love the costume Cassandra wore as Batgirl - a completely black number (besides the yellow outline of the bat symbol on the chest and yellow utility belt) that covers her entire face. Symbolic stitches surround the mouth. Actually, it was Huntress who first wore this getup (sans stitches). Although her belt contains the usual Bat gear such as smoke pellets, tracking devices and mini explosives, she rarely used stuff besides regular batarangs and grappling hooks.

It's been established that she is the best technical hand-to-hand fighter in the entire DC U, surpassing even Batman himself, she has a pain threshold through the roof (she's been shown to be able to take a bullet at close range without flinching). She's proven to be as "peak human" as Marvel's Captain America but even faster.

I didn't get into her personality which I guess is kind of weird but what I liked best about her for awhile was that she exemplified a trope I coined as "blank girl" - she hardly ever speaks (in her case, at first, never), rarely shows emotion and is damn good at what she does. The fact that I find such a character appealing may say some disturbing things about me but I'm at peace with that.

15. Green Goblin (Norman Osborn) - Marvel Comics

The first of the many characters to wear a goblin mask and fly around on a glider, Norman Osborn is arguably Spider-Man's greatest enemy.

The father of Peter Parker's best friend, Harry, Norman was a ruthless industrialist, CEO of his own technology-based company, Oscorp. Even before he was exposed to the experimental serum that would grant him super strength and healing abilities and drive him insane, he was at the very least a sociopath. Power and success were the only things that mattered to him and Harry grew up neglected by his father, his mother having died when he was very young.

After the serum turned green and exploded in Osborn's face he adopted the strange identity of the Green Goblin using Oscorp tech and weaponry in his quest to take over New York City's organized crime. This led to lots of clashes with Spider-Man and eventually, the Goblin became the first villain to learn his true identity. In a subsequent encounter he revealed his own identity to Parker but after being defeated in battle, he temporarily loses his memories of his time as the Green Goblin, along with Spider-Man's secret.

Of course he would eventually regain his memory and resume his activity as the Goblin, culminating in the climatic battle on the George Washington Bridge where he drops Gwen Stacy to her death. Nearly driven mad by the loss, Spider-Man starts to viscously beat Osborn before coming to his senses. The Goblin then accidentally impales himself with his glider and apparently dies.

We all know he didn't die and spent the next few years in Europe operating in secret. In turns out he was the mastermind behind the whole Clone Saga and when the dust FINALLY clears after that, he kills Ben Reilly.

After many more bouts with Spider-Man (and lots of other characters including Flash Thompson and the Hobgoblin), his identity is exposed by the Daily Bugle and he is arrested and given treatment. During Civil War, he is deemed cured and given control of the Thunderbolts. After he kills the Skrull Queen at the end of Secret Invasion and Tony Stark is left in disgrace, Osborn replaces him as the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. which he in turn replaces with H.A.M.M.E.R. Soon he is the Iron Patriot and head of his own Avengers team (Dark Reign).

Osborn is one of the greats. A master planner, egomaniac, resourceful and batshit crazy. I hope he makes a return to his Green Goblin guise sometime soon.

14. James Gordon - DC Comics
Gotham cop Jim Gordon goes back a long ways. He even predates the likes of Robin and the Joker appearance-wise. He may just be the most enduring supporting character in all of comics. It's not like Lois Lane holds a candle to him.

As a cop and later head cop of Gotham City, Gordon has seen it all. And a good chunk of it has had some personal connection to him. Technically speaking, he's lost more at the hands of the Joker than Bruce Wayne has. His daughter was crippled by the clown right in front of him and years later, his second wife, fellow cop Sarah Essen was murdered by the laughing lunatic.

Throughout it all, he's remained true to his ideals. Even right after those two tragedies he insisted to Batman that he wanted the Joker brought in - not killed. "We have to show him that our way works" he insisted, even when he was still reeling from the hell he'd been put through by the madman. He's even had to talk Batman out of doing the deed more than once, convincing him that if he crossed that line, he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

And even though he doesn't possess the out of this world skills of Batman, he has every bit as much courage, strength and integrity. Even when things have looked their darkest, Gordon has never turned his back on his duty to the city he could so easily hate. He believes in justice and that most people are good. He's a hero a thousand times over and he did it all not wearing a mask.

13. Scott Pilgrim - Oni Press

What can I say? For some reason a Canadian twenty-something slacker/musician who's into videogames and strange girls really strikes a chord with me. You figure it out.

12. Dick Grayson - DC Comics
I know I recently revealed that I don't believe Batman's original sidekick to be the best Robin but I still like the guy. He was a great Robin and I like him even more as Nightwing.

Dick of course is great because he makes such a fun contrast for Batman. He's fun-loving, lighthearted and never shuts up. Like Spider-Man, he enjoys giving us a running commentary of quips while he flips around fighting bad guys. But he still does the job like a pro. Having a background as a gifted acrobat even before receiving training from the Dark Knight himself certainly helps.

The most striking thing about Dick Grayson is his very gradual evolution from Boy Wonder to a hero who stands on his own. Even though he still works with Batman quite often, he is no longer the sidekick. He even got to spend a year or two operating solo in his own city, the seedy Bludhaven (before it, uh, blew up). Over time Nightwing has built up his own rogue's gallery and allies before stepping in to take over as Batman in Gotham. His time in the cape and cowl with Damian playing Robin didn't last that long but he was certainly successful.

But now that Bruce Wayne has returned Dick can go back to being Nightwing and no one is happier about that than him.

11. Venom (Eddie Brock) - Marvel Comics
Disgruntled reporter Eddie Brock used to be a pretty pathetic guy. He wasn't particularly smart or talented but he had a pathological need for approval from others. To attain this, he was willing to lie, cheat and steal. This was always on a small scale though - he wasn't a criminal. Just a small, weak-willed man who yearned to be a "somebody".

When a mysterious killer calling himself the Sin Eater appeared in New York, Brock, working as a newspaper reporter, found his chance. Someone claiming to be the Sin Eater contacted him and agreed to give him the exclusive story. He refuses to give the authorities any information on the man, selfishly believing his story to be more important than public safety. As it turned out, the man who'd been speaking to him was a fraud and the real Sin Eater was captured by a black-suited Spider-Man.

Brock is disgraced and fired and unable to find work at any reputable papers. He's forced to work for tabloids. His own bizarre views of right and wrong cause him to blame Spider-Man for his situation and he vows revenge. Mired in depression, he compulsively works out and obsesses over Spider-Man. A devout (in a way) Catholic, Brock, contemplating suicide goes to a church to pray for forgiveness. It turns out to be the same church where Spider-Man has finally succeeded in removing the alien symbiote from himself. The creature senses Brock and bonds with him. Thus Venom was born.

At first Venom's goals are to destroy Peter Parker's life. The symbiote shared its knowledge of Spider-Man's identity with him and he also can evade Parker's spider-sense. Venom terrorizes Mary Jane but is defeated by Spider-Man and imprisoned.

After the initial business with Carnage, Venom decides to leave Spider-Man be. He relocates to San Francisco and becomes a sort of vigilante, protecting an underground community of outcasts. But one who kills. He returns to New York once more when Carnage escapes custody and begins Maximum Carnage. Venom once again teamed with Spider-Man to stop his "child".

In the years since, lots of shitty things happened to Brock, culminating in his getting cancer and losing the symbiote. Later on through some nonsense with Mister Negative, he becomes Anti-Venom. But who cares? Venom in his original incarnation is one of the best Spider-Man villains ever and personally my second-favourite.

10. Rorschach - DC Comics
If Rorschach existed in the real world, I'd think he was a fascist sociopath. But as he doesn't, I think he's awesome. Unlike most of these other characters I've listed, he didn't have decades worth of stories in which to make an impression. In the single graphic novel in which he appears, he isn't even really the main character. Watchmen doesn't actually have a main character which is one of its strengths, I think. But anyway, the story does begin and end with his journal as it is his own stubborn investigation that reveals most of the story to us.

In a world where only one character has superpowers, Rorschach is one tough customer despite being only about 5'6. He doesn't mess around either. He'll break bones and, later in his career, even kill to get the job done. He's driven by a stark belief in right and wrong as black and white in a world where there are no greys. While I of course disagree with such a philosophy, considering the crapsack world he inhabits, it's actually kind of hard to blame him for having it.

Even though he's quite antisocial he did once have a pretty good partnership with Nite Owl and even considered him a friend. By 1985 with all the other heroes forced into retirement, he's the only one still operating, risking arrest. But Daniel takes pity on his old friend when Rorschach tells him he suspects there is a plot to eliminate former members from the 1960's Crime Busters team. The adventures the two shared as partners are only hinted at and I've always sort of wished I could read them.

Anyway Rorschach lands here for being a unique character in a unique world and for his uncompromising nature. His mask is pretty awesome too.

9. Tim Drake - DC Comics
Yawn. Just see my list Ranking The Robins for this one.

8. Hobgoblin (Roderick Kingsley) - Marvel Comics
You may be surprised to see him on this list, especially so high, but I love this guy. He's actually one of the most effective criminals the Marvel U has ever seen and was always a handful for Spider-Man. Just like the Green Goblin, multiple characters have used the guise of the Hobgoblin but also like the Green Goblin, the first one to do it was the best.

Actually, with the exception of former Jack O'Lantern Jason Mascendale, Kingsley was responsible for the other Hobgoblins. He used patsies to help preserve his identity. And it worked. For years no one knew who the real Hobgoblin was. Not the cops, not Spider-Man, not even powerful criminals the Kingpin and the Foreigner. He fooled them all. When Mascendale hired the Foreigner to have Ned Leeds killed so he could take over the guise of the Hobgoblin, the world (including ours) was led to believe the Daily Bugle reporter (and husband to Betty Brant) was the real deal.

Kingsley, a man who'd become rich as a fashion designer or all things, was smart and cautious. He took steps to ensure that exposure to the Goblin compound wouldn't drive him mad as it had Osborn. But he was still a malignant narcissist and that was his fatal flaw. He felt that Mascendale had been such an embarrassment to the Hobgoblin mantle that he had to return to deal with him. He visited him in prison, mocked him and murdered him right in front of security cameras, letting slip that Leeds was not the "true" Hobgoblin. Of course this time when he tangled with Spider-Man, his identity was finally revealed and he was jailed. He cleverly arranged for the then currently exonerated Norman Osborn to have him broken out of prison. Even after Osborn bought all of Kingsley's companies out from underneath him, he still managed to retire to the south seas using money he had hidden away.

7. Wolverine - Marvel Comics
There's really not much I can say about the Canadian berserker that hasn't already been said. Let's face it - he's enjoyed immense popularity for a reason. He's arguably the toughest character in the Marvel U, he has an incredibly distinct personality and he's complicated.

When the second team of X-Men was introduced in the classic Giant-Sized X-Men back in the mid seventies, a lot of great characters made their debuts. Technically this wasn't Wolverine's first appearance as he'd shown up in The Incredible Hulk but here was the book where he would make his mark. For years of real time, his name wasn't even given. All his fellow team members really knew about him was that he had a messy and mysterious past that even he couldn't remember most of and that Professor Xavier trusted him and believed in him.

Over the years as some of his history was revealed, he really only became more appealing. His time in Japan especially illustrated his struggle to be seen as not just a man and not and animal but an honourable man as well. His history with Alpha Flight and the Canadian government and of course the Weapon X Program were all great additions to his backstory. His (mostly) unrequited love for Jean Grey added another layer of complexity to his character as well.

Like most people, I was pretty upset when Magneto ripped the adamantium from his skeleton and he reverted to a shaggy, feral state. But still I stuck with him and mostly enjoyed him. Wolvie, like Spider-Man, has touched nearly every corner of the Marvel Universe and has interacted with a multitude of characters, whether as an enemy, teammate, rival, lover or friend. He fought in World War Two, worked for both the CIA and Canadian government as an operative, lived quietly for awhile in Japan and even served a stretch as one of Apocalypse's Horsemen.

There's a reason why Wolverine has done so much - because we all love seeing him do it. After all he is "the best there is at what he does".

6. Iron Fist - Marvel Comics
Spinning out of the kung fu craze of the seventies along with fellow Marvelite Shang-Chi, Daniel Rand would prove himself to be much more than a gimmick character. Although not right away. His original series didn't last very long (fifteen issues, I think) and they didn't accomplish much besides giving us the first appearance of Sabretooth. But they did at least give us Iron Fist's origin and of all comic book heroes, I think his is my very favourite.

Yeah, I know his origin smacks of the whole Dances With Smurfs thing, where a white man lives among a different society only to become their champion. And believe me, he himself is quite aware of it too. But it wasn't like it was his choice - it was his father, Wendell, who had lived in the mystical city of K'un-Lun and trained to become their immortal Weapon, the Iron Fist. But when the final test came, he knew he wasn't up to it. He returned to the real world and a normal life, forging a multi-billion dollar empire in the process.

But years later, when young Daniel was nine, Wendell felt the pull of K'un-Lun and set out with his son, wife and business partner Harold Meachum to find the city once again. This led them deep into the Himalayas where Meachum betrayed Rand, allowing him to fall to his death. Daniel and his mother managed to get away from Meachum but were pursued by wolves. Daniel watched in horror as his mother sacrificed her life to save him. He is then raised in K'un-Lun by Lei Kung the Thunderer and trained in kung fu.

At the age of nineteen, as the most gifted of Lei Kung's students, Daniel underwent the trial his father decades before had turned away from - the trial of the Iron Fist. Killing the ancient dragon Shou-Lao the Undying, plunging his hands into the creature's molten heart and gaining the power of the Iron Fist. Making his fists "like a thing unto iron". Soon after he returned to the regular world and his home city of New York, ignorant of the ways of twentieth century America.

So yeah, I guess I wasted a lot of space going into his origin but as I said, I like it a lot. Although his own title was cancelled, at the end of the seventies, a chance pairing with Luke Cage led to a really cool series: Power Man and Iron Fist as the two started Heroes For Hire. I can't tell you why this pairing of characters who were originally just seventies fads worked but it did. Their adventures together make for fun reading and their chemistry is great.

It was Iron Fist's 2006 title The Immortal Iron Fist that got me into the character. His origins were expanded upon, such as the explanation that the Iron Fist was a title that many different people had held over the centuries and Daniel was just the latest one. He meets the last one before him, fellow American and similarly-named Orson Randall, who held the post in the early twentieth century. That's just the first arc of a really great series that gives you a wonderful feel for what sort of character Daniel Rand is and I just fell in love with him. Despite his unusual and strict adolescence, he actually is a laid back guy who isn't really comfortable heading a huge corporation and leaves the details to others. He's not an outright joker like, say, Spider-Man, but he is a talker during combat and always amusing. His friendship with Cage is one of the more enjoyable relationships in the Marvel U and never feels forced or unnatural.

He doesn't have powers so much as he has abilities although he obviously can do quite a few things "normal" people can't. He's quite possibly the best technical fighter in the entire Marvel U (yeah, I think he could take Elektra). And it never gets more satisfying than watching him power up his fist to smash into something or someone.

5. The Joker - DC Comics
As I said with Wolverine, we're getting into characters that are just so iconic that I really am at a loss for what to say about them. The Joker is definitely the greatest comic book villain of all time and he's also my favourite.

Sure, he's had his lowlights in the fifties like everyone else at that time but aside from that, decade in, decade out, he's been portrayed the right way: as a completely unpredictable and scary madman. Even his very first appearance way back in 1939 effectively conveys this. He makes grim announcements over the radio predicting the deaths of various prominent Gotham City residents. "At the stroke of midnight, whathisname will die!" and then he did! The police couldn't do shit about it. The Batman eventually puts a stop to this but not until after several deaths and in the end, the Joker manages to escape, leaving the people of Gotham to wonder when he would strike again.

Of course it wouldn't be long. No criminal has carved a bloodier swath through Batman's city than the Joker. No matter how many times he's locked up, he gets out. No matter how many times he appears to die, he returns. Long ago Batman expressed his belief that he and the Joker were caught up in an endless cycle of death and tragedy that they seemingly couldn't escape. He's also lamented that for someone he's dealt with so many times over so many years, he still doesn't really know him at all. "How can two people hate so much without ever really knowing each other?" he asked. There is no satisfying answer.

The Joker, whose real name has never been revealed (and never should be if you ask me), has changed up his methods over the years but the results are always the same: terror and death. To him, it's all a joke. Besides all the unspeakable things he's done on a grand scale he's also crippled Barbara Gordon, killed Jason Todd and murdered Sarah Essen.

The Joker is the ultimate villain because he makes such a perfect opposite for Batman - he is chaos where there is order, he is absolute freedom where there is responsibility. He laughs at the idea of justice. He laughs at pain and suffering. He laughs at death. Try as Batman might, he'll never stop the Joker from laughing. Even if he should ever die, his laughter will echo from beyond the grave.

4. Daredevil - Marvel Comics
As this top four will show, I like the street-level heroes best of all. The guys that run on rooftops, hide in the shadows and drop down on criminals in dark alleys. First up: the Man Without Fear himself, Daredevil.

Matt Murdock operating on the streets only makes sense. He grew up on the streets. The streets of Hell's Kitchen, specifically. The son of an Irish Catholic boxer, Matt struggled socially because he was a good student. He would lose both his sight and his father within a relatively short time. But he would get something back. The chemical that blinded him also somehow enhanced his remaining senses to superhuman levels. At first, this was sheer agony for him as he was bombarded by the sounds and smells of the city. But over time he would learn to control his gift to the point that he could shut things out when he needed to. He can pick out a single heartbeat in a crowd, read printed words with his fingers and balance on a clothes line like he's walking on a sidewalk.

He was trained by the mysterious Stick not only learning how to master his senses but also becoming an accomplished martial artist and acrobat. Soon after graduating law school he became Daredevil, the blind guardian of Hell's Kitchen. His strong belief in the law drives him to not only seek justice in the courtroom but also on the streets.

Initially, Daredevil had one of the lamest rogues galleries in the business, counting Stilt Man and Leap-Frog among his recurring foes. Thankfully, Frank Miller would remedy this, first bringing in Spider-Man antagonist Kingpin and really expanding his character. He would also introduce the Hand - an ancient Japanese group of ninjas, Matt's college lover Elektra and the deadly assassin Bullseye. By the mid eighties Daredevil was one of Marvel's deepest and most compelling characters. Pretty impressive considering his rather campy roots.

What always strikes me about this is the fact that while Miller did have to do some retconning to shape Murdock's history - adding in Stick and Elektra - he didn't have to do anything with Matt's actual origin story. I guess what I mean is that the whole Hell's Kitchen son of a boxer losing his sight and his father thing was already there. And yet despite this cool, gritty setup, it led to rather campy and lighthearted stuff. Daredevil was first written as an almost carefree, swashbuckling hero, bouncing around fighting colourful and silly enemies and making jokes. It wasn't until the very end of the seventies that he started to become the brooding, guilt-ridden vigilante who stalked the rooftops and took on the underworld.

Thankfully, Daredevil did undergo this evolution and he's been a blast ever since. Sure, the nineties were mostly a write-off for him but another acclaimed run, this time by Brian Bendis, got him back on his feet again.

Matt has a cool origin, interesting powers and a great supporting cast. It's true that at times his stories can get a little too depressing but he always manages to bounce back. I'm sure being one of the more, ahem, sexually active Marvel heroes helps him accomplish this - if a hot chick shows up in his book you can pretty much bank on him eventually sleeping with her. Now there's a super power.

3. Batman - DC Comics
Batman is most likely the greatest comic book character of all time. I can't see how anyone could top him. The fact that he comes in third on this list is simply due to my own personal preference. But I know the facts as well as you do - it doesn't get any better than the Dark Knight.

Once again, in talking about what makes Batman such a great comic book character I'm faced with the fact that pretty much anything I say would be redundant. But I'll try to personalize it as much as possible to alleviate that.

First of all, after all these decades, in the dynamic worlds of both super heroes and comics in general, few characters if any, look as good on the page as Batman does. He's been drawn by scores of different artists. Some better than others. But even when he's depicted by my least favourite pencillers, he's still Batman and he still looks damned impressive. The costume is just timeless. Sure it's had its various tweaks and modifications over the years but the core elements remain the same. The colour scheme, the cape, the cowl, the utility belt. It's all recognizable enough that even if someone like myself, who possesses absolutely no visual artistic merit were to draw him, you would still know it was Batman.

The character of Bruce Wayne is of course incredibly complex but it's all based on a relatively simple idea. As a young boy, he saw his parents killed and ever since has done whatever he could to fill that hole in his life. Saying Batman's motives are about vengeance or even justice would be missing the point. You have to take a step back from that and try to view it on its simplest terms. Why fight crime on your own instead of becoming a cop? Why not use guns and lethal force? Why dress up as a bat? The answer lies somewhere in the details. It's about pain and loss, conviction and ideals, fear and superstition. If you realize that, then in looking at Batman, you can understand why he does what he does. Not even just in the context of comics either. I honestly believe that you can come to see his choice as not only rational but feasible.

The key element here of course is that Bruce Wayne is an incredible individual. Only he can do what he does. He's a master detective, martial artist, chemist, engineer, strategist, escape artist, driver, pilot, actor and so much more. Whatever skill he's needed in his crusade against crime, he has acquired and practices at the highest level. His dedication to his cause borders on the fanatical.

For all his heroics, Batman of course remains a tragic figure. Some might say that in training younger people to fight crime as he does, he's attempted to build a sort of surrogate family around himself to make up for the one that he lost. His relationships with characters like Dick, Alfred, Tim and Leslie Thompkins are complex and believable. More than once he's been in danger of losing himself completely to the Batman identity he created but he's always been pulled back by his friends. As much as Batman can be a loner he proves that no man is an island.

Of all his foes, of course the Joker is his greatest and I could write an entire essay on what makes their relationship so interesting. But instead I'll just leave off by saying that for all his layers and complexities, he's still tremendously fun to see hitting people.

2. Spider-Man - Marvel Comics
When Peter Parker first appeared in Amazing Fantasy #15 in 1962 he really was different than any superhero that came before him. He wasn't a billionaire. He wasn't a scientist (although he did have an aptitude for science). He wasn't a soldier or cop. He wasn't from another planet. He was just an ordinary teenager who had something extraordinary happen to him.

Even after he became the Amazing Spider-Man, his life as Peter Parker didn't actually change all that much except that now he had this huge responsibility that he had to somehow juggle with his day to day life and keep secret. Besides all the craziness that came from being a costumed vigilante, he had to deal with all the problems and challenges that any normal teen does. School, money, girls - these were all completely relatable issues. It seems like such a simple concept now, and really, it was. But it was still incredibly significant. Here was a hero that for all his powers and experiences, was still very much grounded in the real world.

Consumed by feelings of guilt and the desire to do the right thing, his actions as Spider-Man served to only complicate his life as Peter Parker. Sure, he'd save the day against Doc Ock but that would only make him miss his date with Betty Brant. He'd break up a bank robbery but then he'd be late for work. And for all the good he accomplished, his own employer would make it his mission to slam him in the press.

Just as all these things struck a chord with readers back in the sixties, they would strike a chord with me as well, decades later. The Spider-Man I got to know wasn't a teenager anymore. He even got married. But he was still relatable. He was still guilt-ridden. He was still funny. And hopefully his character will never lose these elements.

If you'll forgive the pun, to me, Spider-Man is the ultimate swing superhero. That is, he fits into almost any setting. While, predictably, I like him best as a street-level vigilante, saving the day in an urban setting, he also doesn't look out of place dealing with more global threats like terrorist organizations, killer robots or even aliens. He's fought alongside the Avengers (before finally becoming one) the Fantastic Four (uh, ditto), the X-Men, Doctor Strange, Kazar and even freaking Man-Thing. He just seems to fit into any situation.

Really, it's the core things about Spidey that I like the most: his powers, his costume, his personality, his rogues gallery. An absolute TON of different kinds of storylines have been tried with him and while some of them have been quite disasterous, I always come back to him. For simple comic book appeal, it's almost impossible to beat your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man.

1. Moon Knight - Marvel Comics
So we've finally reached the top of the list and its occupant is hardly a comic book icon. Really, only people who are really into Marvel are actually familiar with him and usually, how people describe him at best is as a poor man's Batman. I'm not on some sort of quest to convince people of why that isn't fair or accurate. Or to explain why Moon Knight is the world's greatest comic book character. I know he's not. But, yes, he is my favourite so I'll just go into why that is.

It's always been my preference to root for the underdog and in the world of Marvel superheroes, Marc Spector is one of the best examples of one. From the standpoint of his civilian identity, he's always been a successful guy. Just before embarking on his caped career, he became highly wealthy and has been pretty much ever since. But even though he's always had enough bank to sufficiently fund his war on crime, things have never been easy for him.

Whether or not he's ever had powers is debatable but even if you believe he did at some point possess some they were never much to write home about. He sometimes employs some pretty impressive tech but that's never been his strongest asset either. What has been his best weapon is simply his will. The guy doesn't give up. And as far as taking physical punishment goes, there may not be a tougher guy in the game. He doesn't have super strength, cybernetic limbs or a fancy healing factor. But he certainly has one high pain threshold and some sort of innate ability to get up off the mat when almost anyone else would be down for the count.

I'm also a big believer in second chances and redemption. Moon Knight basically exists because of these things. Marc Spector died in the desert as a man who had mostly wasted his potential, using his skills for his own benefit rather than the greater good. After being trained to kill first by the Marines and later the CIA, he had a colourful career as a mercenary, hiring himself out to whoever could pay. This sometimes led him to fight for the wrong things. The wrong people. The wrong causes. He'd be the first person to tell you he has regrets. But then, yeah, he died. And that would have been the end of it. Another mercenary falls victim to his violent life. But the Egyptian moon god Khonshu had other plans for him and here we are.

So while other heroes get more press and recognition, Moon Knight just goes about his business the only way he knows how. Perhaps the trauma of dying and coming back to life has taken a toll on his psyche; his original plan to use multiple aliases in his fight against crime actually spun somewhat out of control with him literally inventing new personalities for himself. Pretty much all the other heroes who have ever worked with him or come across him sum him up the same way: "Moon Knight? He's nuts." But that's ok. You know that slogan that they put on mugs for people to have at their offices? "You don't have to be crazy to work here but it helps"? That definitely applies to Moon Knight. Because when you're in the business of jumping off rooftops and mixing it up with armed hoods, are you really all that sane?

None of that particularly bothers him anyway. This is a guy who has burned his Avengers membership card, basically ignored the Civil War and practically told Captain America himself to go fuck himself. Moony is a rebel who has always done things his own way. Maybe sometimes he's kind of crazy but he gets results.

Finally, I like the moon. I like the word, the symbol and I like the heavenly body itself. His costume is sweet and unlike a lot of heroes that seem to dress less than functionally, he actually has a reason for it: Khonshu told him that's what he has to wear. That's fine with Marc; "I dress in white because I want them to see me coming" he says. I'll buy that. Perhaps it's because he is crazy but the guy never shows fear. Even when the odds are stacked against him (which is pretty much always) he charges in.

So yeah, he's not the best comic book character. He's not high profile or particularly respected by his peers. His rogues gallery could definitely use some punching up. But he's just a perfect blend of elements I love and will always be my favourite.

Ryan’s Desert Island Handheld Video Games

2011-09-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, that title is, indeed, a mouthful.

I chose a handheld for my list simply because it seemed more plausible (which in these scenarios doesn’t matter in the least) that I could have a small, portable gaming system with me on a desert island, rather than a TV, console and required peripherals.

I’ve also decided, just to make things a littler more stringent, that I’ll only have one handheld device with me: the Nintendo DS. I chose this because it gives me access to Gameboy Advance games as well, via the system’s built-in GBA port.

How I’m going to re-charge the DS is as suspect as powering the TV and console, but whatever. I’ll be a master of harnessing the energy of the coconut, or something. Anyway, on with the list!

5. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

As a lover of Metroid-vania/Castleroid gameplay, I just had to have a Castlevania game on my list.

These games offer very extended gameplay. There are lots of areas to explore in the castle, tons of enemies to take on, endless weapons to find and try and in the Aria/Dawn of Sorrow mini-series of Castlevania games there are tons of souls to capture, giving your main character Soma Cruz a bevy of abilities. It’s like Pokemon meets Castlevania: you gotta catch ‘em all!

I had a hard time deciding which of the most recent Castlevania portable games to choose from. There was Aria of Sorrow (the predecessor to Dawn of Sorrow), Portrait of Ruin and Order of Ecclesia. I very much enjoyed all of these games, but the collecting aspect of Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow ultimately gives you much more to do than the other titles I’ve mentioned. I basically picked Dawn because of its upgraded graphics and DS functionality, but I suppose I could have just as easily chosen Aria in its place.

If there was somehow a port of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night for the DS then you’d best believe it’d be on this list.

4. Mega Man Zero Collection

This is such a cheat, but I’m doing it anyway! As you may know, I’m a bit of a Mega Man fan and if I were to be stranded on a deserted island for the rest of my days, I would most definitely have to have me some Mega Man on hand.

I’d much rather have all kinds of other Mega Man titles, but as far as GBA/DS go, the best I have at my disposal are the four Mega Man Zero games, released for the Gameboy Advance and then re-released as a collection last year on the Nintendo DS.

I could be real and just choose one of them, and I’m sure any of them would do the trick, but if I can technically have them all in one game, why not!?

There were two DS-specific Mega Man titles, both of which I’ve owned and defeated, entitled Mega Man ZX and Mega Man ZX: Advent, but if I had to take my pick I’d go with the Zero titles. Although they’re very similar, at least in playing Mega Man Zero I can play as an actual hero from the Mega Man X franchise, instead of some kid wearing a Mega Man suit.

3. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

This game is very much a compromise, much like taking Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow over Symphony of the Night, because it doesn’t exist on the DS. If the original Final Fantasy Tactics were available on this handheld, then I’d be taking that game. Alas it is not, so I’ll be taking its descendant: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance.

The much-hyped spiritual successor to the blockbuster Playstation title, FFT Advance takes the world of Ivalice in an all-new direction for the Gameboy Advance. You could say it was made much more kid-friendly, and you’d be completely right. Gone is the political intrigue, the religious overtones and the dark, bloody storyline of the original game in place of some kids finding a magic book and being whisked away to a magical world.

The gameplay is what makes this a must-have on my indefinite desert island excursion. Putting aside the storyline -- which isn’t bad by the way, it’s just not as good as the original’s -- the turn-based, tactical RPG style that was passed down to FFT from Tactics Ogre is what makes this game amazing.

Why this over FFT Advance 2: Grimoire of the Rift - the DS successor to FFTA? FFTA2 (these acronyms are getting to be a bit much, huh?) takes a new spin on the gameplay, which requires too much quest-giving and walks players through the game. At least in FFTA there are some “random battles”. I’d rather if there were true random battles like FFT, allowing for power-leveling, but I’ll take the pseudo random battles in FFTA, in the form of clan battles. Also, obtaining new team members is a major annoyance in FFTA2, and it’s just an inferior game to FFTA (phew).

For my tactics fix, I just have to have Final Fantasy Tactics Advance for the GBA with me on the sandy beaches of my new home (very far) away from home.

2. Super Mario 64 DS

Super Mario has had many classic iterations. In fact, this writer’s favourite isn’t even Super Mario 64; it’s Super Mario Bros. 3 for the NES. Now you ask, “But, Super Mario Bros. 3 came out for the GBA, didn’t it?” Why yes, it did. However, even if I take my time with Super Mario Bros. 3, it doesn’t compare to the exploration that is involved with finding all 120 stars in Super Mario 64.

Super Mario 64 features a giant castle filled with many different worlds, much like other games in the classic Mario series. However, the game-style is something that hasn’t been matched since, even with newer titles like Super Mario Galaxy, a game that attempts to emulate Super Mario 64 in many ways.

You’re given a “world”, in the form of a castle portrait, and then a clue to where the star may be hidden, or what task you need to complete to find it, and then it’s up to you to find all the stars. It may only take 70 to reach the game’s end, but there are truly 120 to be found within the world of Super Mario 64. That is the reason why I would have to have this game with me on a desert island. Also, it is my second favourite game in the Mario series.

The Nintendo DS port of Super Mario 64 also offers multiple characters and new locations for each of those corresponding characters: Luigi, Wario and Yoshi. This offers even more gameplay than the original 64 title. All in all, a must have to keep me content while stranded away from the rest of civilization.

1. Final Fantasy VI Advance

This should be no surprise to the readers that know me, but Final Fantasy VI (formerly known as Final Fantasy III in North America) is my very favourite game of all time. On a desert island, I’d need a rich, fun storyline. With 14 different characters, all of which with their own individual abilities and specs, as well as the ability to teach each of these characters magic through the Esper system, there are endless gameplay capabilities found within FF6.

A departure from the usual sword and sorcery storyline of its predecessors, FF6 also has a cool, steampunk theme, which blends the worlds of magic with technology. It has a storyline that envelops all of its 14 characters (a series record) and features a second half that is completely wide open, with tons of sidequests to keep you playing this game for a long, long time.

The GBA port of this game also features new Espers -- giant summoned creatures that party members can learn spells from, as well as call on in battle -- and an all new set of dungeons, which increases the playability of an already chocked-full game.

This game combines the great story-telling of a novel with a fun game, which inherits all of that great Final Fantasy styled gameplay in what I consider to be the series’ very best. If I could only have one single game with me on this deserted isle, it would most definitely have to be Final Fantasy VI.

Shane's Desert Island Movies

2011-09-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

Only having a handful movies to watch for the rest of my life is a terrifying thought and I really struggled putting this together. Making this list was not just about picking my 5 favourite movies ever (though that was certainly a starting point). Instead it was trying to find the movies I think are great, that I'd be willing to watch again and again, and that would cover the widest range of genres so I would have the most variety. So, here they are in no particular order.

5. The Dark Knight (2008)
I've already praised this movie enough in my favourite films of 2008, so I'll try to keep this brief. This was an easy pick seeing as how it's my favourite superhero film about my favourite superhero. If I can't drag along a stack of graphic novels to the island, I should at least take along the best movie about Batman. When it came down to it I had to decide between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, and I love them almost equally, but the truth is one of them had Scarecrow, the other had The Joker. You do the math.

Whenever I'm craving action and thrills this movie will have me covered. So much happens that it practically feels like two movies crammed into one, but it also feels complete enough that I won't mind watching only the middle of a trilogy of movies. Well ... at least that's the idea.

4. Spirited Away (2001)
For a good while I had this movie pegged as my all time #1. It tells the tale of a young girl named Chihiro who is moving to a new home with her parents when they take a shortcut that leads them to strange abandoned village. As night falls, her parents are transformed into pigs and Chihiro finds the world is filled with spirits. She makes her way to a bathhouse for the spirits and ends up working there as she tries to figure out a way home again.

This movie is such an unusual and beautiful film, I find it hard to describe what's so amazing about it, but bear with me. The score is wonderful and the animation is among the best I've ever seen. Combined with the sound design the film captures details so vividly that every moment spent in the spirit bathhouse feels real: the sound of bare feet on wooden floors, the deep rumbling and hissing of furnaces, the sloshing of hot water. I can practically feel the humidity in the air.

Spirited Away has been compared to "Alice in Wonderland" and other famous fantastical children stories. It does have similarities to many of those tales, but it still stands out as something unique. There is a dream-like quality to Chihiro's journey. The places she travels to and the characters she meets either fill you with a sense of comfort, a sense of fear, or shift between the two. Chihiro herself changes as well; maturing from a sullen, easily-angered girl, to one who is is confident in facing the challenges that life throws at her. It seems like the ideal positive message I'd need in my isolation.

3. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
The film takes place almost entirely in a real estate office where a group of salesmen must face off in a contest that will win one of them a new car and cost one of them their job. The film's taken a competitive job in a competitive industry and added more competition, so you should not be surprised to learn that stress and emotions run high.

First of all, if you haven't watched this movie yet, drop everything and watch it right now. I mean it. I had known about it forever and only got around to seeing it two years ago and it blew my mind. It's so goddamn good. It's an all-star lineup of actors giving amazing performances: Spacey, Arkin, Harris, Pacino. Plus Alec Baldwin tears shit up during the film's opening like no one's business, and Jack Lemmon gives one of the best performances EVER. Seriously, I get chills.

It's so good because every moment is riveting. You have a group of master bullshitters all trying to bullshit their way to the top with their own approach. It's a cutthroat business and as pressure quickly escalates almost every character goes on a tirade before the end. This is easily the most fun I've had watching people yell and swear at each other. In any other movie it would seem profane, but here, with the right script and actors, it's like poetry.

Why is this movie a good pick for my deserted island? Well, the dialogue is so good I want to memorize every line of it, and a deserted island might be just the right place to try. Also, the movie reminds me of some of the worse jobs I've had, and that should make me feel thankful to be out of the workforce and trapped in the middle of the ocean.

2. Rear Window (1954)
I knew I wanted a Hitchcock film here, and I was torn between Rear Window and Vertigo for some time. Rear Window won because it has a more suspenseful story, more enjoyable performances, and I just really love the way the film keeps us locked into Jeff's vantage point throughout. The first time I watched it I was literally stunned at how engrossing it was and how tense I was getting as the final act plays out. Every time I watch it I'm still on the edge of my seat when Lisa goes into the neighbour's apartment to investigate.

I enjoy all the characters immensely, but of course Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly really make this film as great as it is. I love his trademark delivery and mannerisms, and I love her elegant beauty and sensual voice (I would honestly listen to her read the phone book if I could). It's so much fun watching these two very different characters finding a common interest to pull their relationship together, and then switching roles when they get caught up in their curiosity.

Rear Window is entertaining, re-watchable, and a masterpiece of mystery and suspense. I'll be watching it time and time again, deserted or not.

1. Amelie (2001)
Like Spirited Away, Amelie is a movie that makes the world seem like a more happy, loving place. I figure even if a majority of my favourite movies are of a darker tone, I should choose a a balanced selection so as to keep my spirits up while I'm stuck on the island, you know, forever.

The film follows the life of the titular Amelie as she helps (and sometimes punishes) those around her in interesting ways and falls in love. The visuals are gorgeous and vibrant, the music relaxing and cheerful, and the characters quirky and whimsical. Hell, even the narration is notably pleasant. Front to back it's a charming French film. For me this film is like a warm hug, remembering the innocence of childhood, and reliving the experience of first love. Yeah, I know it sounds corny, but it's true.

All in all I think I've captured a solid selection of movies for whatever mood I might be in: mystery, suspense, action, adventure, drama, comedy, romance, fantasy, or animation. Stories about people trapped in one place and piecing together a secret, or heading off into an unknown world and learning something about themselves. Stories about the competition of business and the cruelty of mankind. Stories about people in disguise helping society for justice or romantic ideals. Stories about growing up and growing old, about losing love and finding love.

Hopefully I've got a nicely rounded assortment of entertainment to keep me occupied through the long lonely years of this hypothetical situation. Or maybe I'll become bored, go crazy, and spend my time making up movies in my mind with my only friend, a volleyball.

Most Talented Vancouver Canucks

2011-08-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Every year like clockwork, here in the dog days of August I start to go through a serious bout of hockey withdrawl. Nearly all the trades and signings take place in July and all news slows to a crawl. By this point I salivate at the thought of watching even meaningless exhibition games played with training camp rosters. But even that's a month a way.

So to help myself cope, I've come up with a list. Ah, Five-O-Rama, your functions are many and your splendor absolute.

In discussions of hockey, the word "talent" can of course refer to quite a few different things. But probably its most universal usage is in regard of offensive skill. The goal scorers, set-up men and flashy stickhandlers. How talented a player is in these areas doesn't always completely dictate his offensive totals. There are tons of other factors to consider. And plenty of players who have been known for their extreme skill have come to be known just as much for their bad work ethic, unwillingness to play the physical game and tendency to completely disappear in games. Such players are branded with labels like "underachiever" and "enigmatic". Some day I'll do a list on those players.

But for today we're talking about the most talented players to ever play for the Vancouver Canucks in their forty-plus year history. I've stuck to guys who played at least three seasons for the franchise and had the chance to make a decent impact. Note that players ranking as high as third and second on the all-time franchise points list didn't make the cut. Obviously those players (Stan Smyl and Trevor Linden, respectively) were very talented but I feel there are others that outstrip them in pure offensive ability. So here they are.

5. Thomas Gradin C (1978-1986) 613gp 197 353 550
For eight seasons Gradin was one of the driving forces of the Canucks's offence. While known mostly as a playmaker he would still top 30 goals three times. He led the team in assists five times and in overall points twice.

Known for his deft stickhandling, the Swedish centre had great chemistry with Stan Smyl and set him up for many of his goals. Tony Tanti as well.

Perhaps his greatest moment as a Canuck came in the 1982 playoffs when the team made a surprising run to the Final. He led the team in scoring with 9 goals and 19 points in seventeen games.

But by 1985, he was no longer the team's number one centre, having lost the position to fellow Swede Patrick Sundstom, who in 83/84 set a franchise record for points in a season with 91 as a twenty-one year old. After the end of the 85/86 season, Gradin left the Canucks for the Boston Bruins, departing as the franchise's all-time leading scorer.

4. Daniel and Henrik Sedin LW, C (2000- ) 787gp 249 402 651 810gp 157 509 666
Isn't it great when people adhere to stereotypes? Because every stereotype you've heard about twins seems to go double for the Sedins. Believe me, it only makes perfect sense for them to share this slot.
Ever since they started playing minor hockey as kids, Daniel and Henrik have played on the same team. And on the same line. That's easy enough to manage at first but you'd think it would become problematic as they entered the pros. But no - early on coaches and gm's came to understand that the twins truly are a package deal. Their on ice chemistry can't be matched. They just seem to know where each other are at all times and what they're thinking. If you don't believe me, there's tons of video evidence to back this claim up.

But as their draft day approached, it seemed inevitable that they would finally be split up. After all they were both projected as top five picks and in 1999, no team held even two in the top twenty. To no one's surprise, neither one was seen as having any distinct advantages over the other - it really didn't matter which one was selected first because their skill sets, while different, added up to the same level. Daniel was the shooter and Henrik the passer. That's really all you needed to know.

The pair expressed their hope to somehow be drafted by the same team and Brian Burke, through some wheeling and dealing, made it happen so that he wound up with both the second and third overall picks. Patrik Stefan (perhaps the worst number one pick in NHL draft history) went to the Atlanta Thrashers, then the Canucks snapped up the twins (Daniel then Henrik). They wear the numbers 22 and 33 respectively.

It took the Sedins nearly a decade to live up to their superstar potential (an extremely rare occurrence for forwards) but all the way there their stats added up to nearly identical point totals, with Daniel scoring more goals and Henrik racking up the most assists.

They're both coming off 100-plus point seasons where they each led the league in scoring and have even recently proven they can still succeed playing apart, at least for short stretches. Another interesting thing about the twins is just how durable they've both proven to be over the years, hardly ever getting injured and missing time.

But what they'll most likely always be best known for is their "twin sense" that leads to fantastic chemistry on the ice. Together they've made some truly beautiful offensive plays, all the while piling up points at a fantastic rate.

3. Markus Naslund LW (1996-2008) 884gp 346 410 756
Yet another Swede makes the list and this one's the team's all-time leading scorer, ranking first in goals and fourth in assists. He also served as captain from 2000 until his departure.

A standout as a teenager playing for Modo in the Swedish Elite League (one of the two - Peter Forsberg was there too), Naslund was a first round pick of the Pittsburgh Penguins in 1991. He had an underwhelming rookie season in 93/94, not really getting much ice time on the still high-powered Pens but in 95/96 was putting up very respectable numbers - 52 points through sixty-six games - when he was traded to Vancouver for Alek Stojanov, the Canucks's own first round pick from 1991, who was actually taken ten spots ahead of Naslund. Stojanov would score one goal in ten games for the Penguins after coming over and no points in nine playoff games. The following season he managed 5 points in thirty-five games. And that was it for his NHL career. Needless to say, it's remembered as perhaps the most lopsided trade in NHL history.

After two decent seasons in Vancouver, Naslund would develop into a thirty-goal scorer in 98/99 and he'd never look back. From 2000 through 2004, he was widely regarded as the best left winger in the game, playing on a dominant line with playmaking centre Brendan Morrison and power winger Todd Bertuzzi. In 02/03, Naslund was second in league scoring with 104 points including 48 goals - the second highest goal total for a Swede in league history. It was his third straight season with more than forty goals.

Naslund was a multifaceted player, known for his passing skills as much as his scoring. He had an extremely fast and accurate wrist shot, once winning the accuracy challenge in the All Star Skills Competition. He would never enjoy a particularly dominant playoff although he was a point a game or better there twice and the runs were short mainly due to Vancouver's goaltender issues of the time.

In 06/07 his production fell off steeply and never recovered. After two lackluster seasons he went to play for the New York Rangers where his fortunes didn't improve. It was his last season in the NHL.

2. Alexander Mogilny RW (1995-2000) 312gp 139 169 308
Mogilny's time in Vancouver wasn't exactly the highlight of his career. In the mid to late nineties the team experienced a sharp decline despite its talented lineup. Captain and fan favourite Trevor Linden was traded in 1997 and Mark Messier took his place. But the team still struggled, missing the playoffs from 1997 through 2000.

But Mogilny's first season there, 95/96, was one of his strongest. He put up 55 goals and 107 points. This was all the more impressive considering Pavel Bure, his fellow Russian star with whom he was supposed to form a dynamic pairing, was limited to just fifteen games due to injuries. A dazzling puckhandler with a lethal shot, Mogilny managed another strong season the following year despite injuries to Linden (forty games) and Bure (sixty-three games), scoring 31 goals and 73 points to lead the team again.

Mogilny was an extremely cerebral player, able to think the game at a higher level than most, and his own physical skills matched up to this allowing him to execute brilliant plays at top speed. This was of course precisely why he'd been brought to Vancouver. He'd spent five years as an absolute scoring machine in Buffalo, including one of the best goal-scoring seasons of all time, a 76 goals in seventy-seven games campaign in the magical 92/93 season. He was such a scoring threat that his playmaking abilities often went overlooked but he was a dynamite passer as well.

Unfortunately, injuries would limit his effectiveness over the following two seasons in Vancouver where he would play under sixty games each time. Mogilny was usually good to perform at a point-a-game pace or higher but getting hurt and coming back several times messed up his rhythm and his numbers went down because of it.

After putting up 38 points through forty-seven games in the 99/00 season, he was traded to the New Jersey Devils, who he would help win the Stanley Cup that year. The dream pairing with Bure never worked out as they seemed to almost take turns getting injured. In 97/98, while Mogilny battled injuries and scored 45 points in fifty-one games, Bure bounced back to play all eighty-two games scoring 51 goals and 90 points. It was his last season as a Canuck. But it's still fun to imagine what the two might have accomplished together if things had gone differently.

1. Pavel Bure RW (1991-1998) 428gp 254 224 478
The Russian Rocket tops this list, to the surprise of no one I am sure. From the moment he burst into the NHL in the 91/92 season, scoring 34 goals in just sixty-five games (and winning the Calder Trophy in the process), Bure was a human highlight reel. His combination of speed, great hands and will to score made him one of the most dangerous players of the nineties. It's not a stretch to say that something exciting would happen nearly every time he touched the puck. And if he ever got the chance to wind up, look out.

Easily the most pure scorer on this list, his next two seasons he scored 60 goals each time, blowing away previous Canuck scoring records and leading the league in goals the second time. That year (93/94) he also led the playoffs in goals with 16 in twenty-four games during Vancouver's magical run to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final.

As noted above, his 95/96 and 96/97 seasons were marred by injuries and kept him from approaching his usual offensive totals but he managed one final fifty goal season for the Canucks in 97/98.

To date, Bure sits fourth in goals on the Canucks all-time list with 254 and the three players in front of him (Naslund, Linden and Smyl) all played at least four hundred more games than him. His skill and creativity are legendary and I don't see them being bested by a Canuck any time soon.

Worst Video Game Voice Acting

2011-08-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated, and so I'm back for a surprise list.

Frivolities aside, and grander frivolities a'front, I love bad acting, and video games are where bad acting goes to die.

I've assembled a list of 5 memorable moments in horrible, horrible acting for our collective schadenfreude. #5-2 are in no particular order—#1 is my favourite.

(There is plenty of even shittier material in this video, but I went with more personally memorable content.)

5. Animal Soccer World (PS2—seriously!?)

While I'm still not sure where the “game” element to this game is, it is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. I stumbled across it in the Tubes and thought I was hallucinating.

I imagine the genesis as such: OK, we've got 5 seconds of music, a bunch of Mexican illegals locked in a bathroom, a water-damaged microphone, and some bootlegged Chinese animation cells from The Lion King and Ovide and the Gang. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Unpaid Mexicans recorded through a bathroom wall, that's the ticket. Now that we've seen it, let's never speak of it again.

4. Megaman 8 (PS1)

Just ignore the weirdness from CD-i Zelda (robbed of a spot on this list) edited into this.

How could someone conceivably have thought that this was a good voice for the kindly scientist Dr. Light?

“Dats a gewd querstin,” you might be asking yourself.

Also, how have I gotten this far in life not realizing that there's an r in question?

As for the casting blunder, my suspicion is that somebody's half-retarded uncle needed booze money, and they could only afford one take. Dr. Wahwee, it is then. Here's your Colt 45, Uncle Mick.

3. Megaman X4 (PS1)

Zero's Troll 2-esque “What am I fighting foooooooooorrrrrrrraorrrrrrr!” isn't even the best bit here.

Skip ahead to 1:30.

There's so much awesome here. The way that Zero says “coup” as if it were a thing full of chickens; “Whatdoyouthinkyou'redoing?!” as a single phrase; the Colonel's resigned “oh” and his odd Australian accent.

Also, if there had been anything of substance at the end to ruin, wouldn't that irritating mechanical walking noise have done it? What an annoying universe to inhabit if everyone made that kind of racket with each step. It would be second only to the universe where everyone has to wear the baby from Eraserhead for shoes.

2. Resident Evil (PS1)

A classic exchange in a game renowned for its voice acting. While this entire scene is golden, I think I like Barry's helpful “Hurry! This way!” more than the actual “Jill sandwich line” itself.
Wait, which way Barry? Through the door? The only door? The door that you told me to step away from as you prepared to kick the very same door down? That way? Hmmm, I don't know...

I also love Jill's strange emphasis on “dining room” as though it were some ridiculous conceit. I mean really, an entire room just for dining? And he's doing research in it? Oh Barry... it's a good thing you're highly skilled at kicking down doors...

1. Space Hulk: Vengeance of the Blood Angels (PS1)

My friends and I played Warhammer 40k in junior high, so when one of us found this gem in a Zellers bargain bin, it seemed almost too good to be true.

“Ezeekiel, advance to this room. Ezeekiel, proceed to this area. Ezeekiel, close this door. Ezeekiel, press my pants. Ezeekiel, what are you doing!? Ezeekiel, do my taxes. Ezeekiel. Ezeekiel...E...Ezee...Ezeekiel.”

Jesus.

The real gem comes at 1:52

“I haven't found!!!! ... an ARCHIVED RECORD.”

Existential angst quickly turns to bitterness here. The opening delivery is one of deep insecurity. Oh God! What's wrong with me? I just turned a bulkhead full of Tyranid Genestealers into chili con carne, but I can't find a measly archived record... But watch as the treasured artifact quickly becomes an object of scorn and derision—“archived record” drawn out and said with a clenched fist. You did this to me! It's your fault! You goddamned archived record!

The delivery reminds me of a skit Shane found years ago where someone edited together clips of Lawrence Olivier's voice to make a Coca-Cola commercial... "But if I were... ALIVE!"

Anyway, that's all for me, folks. I guess I'll be back in a few years... :P

Ranking The Robins

2011-07-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

It isn't easy being a sidekick.

I don't know if it's cool for me to try a list where the five entries represent the only possible choices but oh well, here I go.

Not counting stuff like alternate timelines and the like, canonically, there have been five characters to officially hold the title of Robin, Batman's sidekick. Thankfully, all these characters are fairly distinct from each other and brought different traits to Robin's mantle. As I said, these five are also the only five but I still think this list has some merit because I really made the effort to decide which was the absolute best Boy (or girl) Wonder.

5. Stephanie Brown - first appearance: Detective Comics #647 (1992) as Robin: Robin #126 (2004)
The Robin with by far the shortest tenure and therefore the least impact, the girl formerly known as Spoiler was basically a fill-in for Tim Drake after his father discovered his secret and ordered him to give up the cape. She actually takes his place sort of out of spite. The two had been enjoying one of those always fun on again/off again teenage relationships and were once again on the downswing. So in her anger and frustration, she breaks into the Batcave and demands the Robin gig from the Dark Knight himself.

Batman never exactly approved of her activities as Spoiler and was reluctant to allow her to be the new Robin. But I guess he decided that he could keep an eye on her this way and train her himself. But it doesn't go well as she disobeys his orders on two separate missions and he's forced to fire her. Maybe it was Batman's inexperience when it comes to dealing with girls that led him to dismiss her in...not the best fashion. What I'm saying is that she didn't take it well.

So what was her next move? To show both Tim and Batman that she did have what it takes to be a great crimefighter of course. She would prove that she was good enough for their little Bat-club. Unfortunately (hello, understatement), her actions wound up starting a city-wide gangwar that cost many lives (War Games), including, apparently, her own, at the hands of Black Mask.

It would turn out that she did survive this encounter (although she was certainly brutalized and tortured) and would eventually become the new Batgirl after Cassandra Cain quit. But I guess that's going to be almost as short-lived as her stint as Robin what with the newest DC reboot reinstating original Batgirl Barbara Gordon (retconning away her paralysis, apparently). Now I wonder if Stephanie herself is going to survive the retcon.

Daughter of the Riddler rip-off, Cluemaster, I've always had a soft spot for her (yes, I have a thing for damaged girls) but can't say she wasn't the worst Robin.

4. Damian Wayne - first appearance: Batman #655 (2006) as Robin: Batman and Robin #1 (2009)
The biologically "perfect" offspring of Bruce Wayne and Talia al Ghul, Damian is the latest character to wear the R on his chest. Raised by his mother and his grandfather's ruthless League of Assassins, he's given the job at the age of ten. After such an upbringing, the biggest lesson he had to learn from his father and Dick Grayson is NOT to kill. And to not be such a little snot.

Teaming with Grayson, who took on the position of Batman after Bruce Wayne's "death", Damian remains a work in progress. Since his time as Robin is still ongoing at the time of this writing, I don't really have any more to say about him. Whether he's informing Dick that he doesn't have to listen to him, or treating Alfred like he's nothing more than hired help (he coldly addresses him as "Pennyworth"), Damian can be difficult to tolerate at times. He certainly has great potential and has already accomplished some pretty impressive things but he still has a long way to go.

3. Jason Todd - first appearance: Batman #357 (1983) as Robin: Batman #368 (1984)
Now here's a guy who proved to be so unpopular that the fans actually voted to have him killed. Although, to be fair, the margin was slim. Still, Jason Todd just had a way of getting on everyone's nerves.

It was time for Dick Grayson to grow up and become his own man. After spending his adolescence fighting crime with Batman, he was experienced enough to go solo as Nightwing (although he would often work as a Teen Titan too). In time, the post of Robin was filled once more. In his original incarnation (that I really know almost nothing about), Jason was more or less accepted by the fanbase. But DC's reboot following Crisis On Infinite Earths changed his origin and character considerably. Mostly under writer Jim Starlin, Jason became an overly angsty, impulsive young man. A street orphan who first encounters Batman while trying to steal the tires off the freaking Batmobile.

In many ways, this wasn't a bad way to go. There wasn't much point just replacing Dick Grayson with a carbon copy after all (which is basically what he was before the retcon). The fact that Jason wasn't a prodigy like Dick and was...a little rough around the edges, was a welcome change. It created a different dynamic for the Dynamic Duo.

But after awhile, everyone was sick of his attitude. His constant clashes with Batman led to an overly aggressive and reckless crimefighting style. At one point, it's strongly implied that he pushes a rapist off a roof to his death. This eventually leads to a big mess that nearly gets Batman killed (Jason saves him) and a whole bunch of criminals die. There's nothing wrong with introducing a bit of edginess but using Robin to do it just doesn't feel right.

By 1988, the second Boy Wonder had worn out his welcome with the fanbase and they voted for him to be killed off in the A Death in the Family storyline. Following a tip to discover who is real mother is, Jason runs off and eventually locates her in Ethiopia. She turns out to involved in an embezzlement scam with none other than the Joker. Jason is savagely beaten by the Clown Prince of Crime and he and his mother are left tied up in a warehouse with a timebomb counting down. Comic fans did their thing and voted for him to not survive and he bites it in the explosion as Batman arrives too late to save him.

Looking back on it now, Jason's most significant contribution to the mantle of Robin was dying on the job. It gave Batman even more reason to be brooding, self-hating and slow to trust others. He always recalls his inability to properly mold Todd and keep him from harm as his greatest failure - an echo that makes itself heard again and again in all Batman stories. His costume remains on display as a memorial in the Batcave.

Of course Jason's eventual resurrection and activities as the new Red Hood have no bearing on his impact as Robin. I rank him third mainly because he's certainly done more than Damian and Stephanie but also because his legacy as a tremendous loss affects Batman and those around him to this day.

2. Dick Grayson - first appearance: Detective Comics #38 (1940)
Surprised to see him here? What can I say - first doesn't always equal best in my book. Let's go back to the beginning, shall we?

When you think about it, it's kind of weird working out exactly what the point of Robin was. He didn't really seem to fit in. It was one thing for Captain America to have his teenage sidekick, Bucky, fighting alongside him against the Nazi Menace during World War Two. Plenty of teenagers certainly were involved in that conflict. And it was just a sign of the times that heroes during the Golden Age of Comics had young sidekicks working alongside them. Superheroes were originally aimed at an audience of children and the thinking at the time was that to help get kids even more excited about their favourite heroes was to present characters they could relate to. That way, it was even easier for them to imagine themselves sharing adventures with their comic book idols. So Robin existed to fulfill this need.

Here we had the Batman: the dark and mysterious protector of Gotham City, striking terror into the hearts of criminals by night with his relentless war on crime. Criminals are "a cowardly and superstitious lot" and his costume was designed to take the best advantage of that, giving him a psychological edge over the dangerous characters he opposed. But then there was Robin: an orphaned circus acrobat prancing about in bright yellow, red and green, making jokes. It kind of clashes with everything Batman's about, doesn't it?

But I realize that none of this is Dick Grayson's fault. He was merely the first in a line of characters whose very presence was a challenge for writers to explain. Why was the Dark Knight running around with some colourfully dressed kid? The easiest explanation was: to help balance him. Dick's upbeat and playful attitude served as a counter for Batman's serious and brooding manner. He's often reflected that at times, Robin's cheerful demeanour and carefree innocence (for someone in his position anyway) was the only thing that kept him from falling completely into the abyss.

So I realize I haven't said much about Dick's tenure as Robin. Well, that's because it would almost be redundant to do so. He was the first, longest-serving and easily most well-known character to hold the position. He was there for at least half of Batman's most celebrated moments. And he was great at the job, there's no denying that.

As he (very gradually, this is comic book time we're dealing in, remember) grew older, Dick occasionally began to chafe under Batman's tutelage. Towards the end, the fact that he was growing up and needed to become his own man became more and more apparent and finally, the Dynamic Duo parted ways. This was after about forty years of real time.

And my only real complaint regarding that time is that he actually was a little too perfect. Where his successor, Jason Todd, would prove to be overly angsty, Dick just wasn't angsty enough when you really think about how he grew up. True, unlike Jason, he had come from a loving and caring family who were raising him to be a good person. But I still think that he was just a little too squeaky clean as Robin and that keeps him from claiming the number one spot, as blasphemous as you might think that is.

1. Tim Drake - first appearance: Batman #436 (1989) as Robin: Batman #442 (1989)
So we come to number one with Robin Number Three. I know a lot of people believe that the best Robin is unquestionably Grayson but I just can't agree. And while Grayson is the most well-known Robin, Tim really is the one I grew up with. Yes, I watched Grayson on the amazing Batman The Animated Series in the early nineties and saw Chis O'Donnell play him in Batman Forever and Batman And Robin (shudder) in the mid nineties. But I was actually aware of Tim quite early on.

Somehow or other, I discovered the Knightfall storyline as it was going on in 1993 and in those pages saw that not only was Dick Grayson all grown up running around as Nightwing, but Tim wasn't even the next Robin after him. My knowledge of him trickled in gradually over the years until I got a clear picture of his character (remember, this was before I could just go online and look him up).

I think what struck me most about Tim was that Batman didn't actually recruit him. After Jason's death, he'd made a vow that there would be no more Robins. He of course felt that the whole thing was his fault. So how did Tim join the Bat Family? At the age of nine, using his own considerable abilities of deduction, he determined that the then current Robin was actually Dick Grayson after witnessing him executing a gymnastic move he'd used before when performing in the circus with his family. This led him to the logical conclusion that Bruce Wayne was Batman. In the wake of Jason's "departure", Tim eventually went to Batman and pretty much demanded the job. It was his belief that Batman would always need a Robin at his side.

I guess it was that he was a more cerebral Robin, displaying detective skills that might one day rival those of Batman himself, that most impressed me about Tim. Keep in mind too that he was the first Robin to actually star in his own ongoing title (uh, Robin). He was also the first Robin to operate in a cool looking costume (no pixie boots, for one thing) and, he was a nineties kid, like I was. Hey, how about that? The old Golden Age schtick of having a young character kid readers could relate to and envision themselves as actually worked on me some fifty years later. I don't know if that means Golden Age ideologies weren't all as lame as I thought they were or I was just a particularly lame kid myself...let's go with the first one.

Tim would go through some personal tragedy of his own, losing his father, rendering him an orphan, just like the Robins before him. He was also led to believe his girlfriend had died too, although we all know how that turned out.

Because I see him as a blend of all that was good about Dick Grayson and Jason Todd - not overly cheerful and wisecracking but not annoying angsty and moody either - and because he's clearly the smartest character to ever hold the gig, Tim Drake is the best of the Robins. History will prove me right.

Shane's Scariest Movies

2011-06-25T12:02:00.001-07:00

I've wanted to write this list for some time now, but it's been fairly difficult to put together. Even though I've seen hundreds of horror films very few actually scare me. I assume it's partly because I've seen so many that I've become desensitized to it.

I approach each new horror movie with the intense desire that it will scare the ever-living shit out of me; to be freaked out, to lose sleep, and to have it linger in my mind for days after. I am often disappointed, but here are the ones that were best at delivering the frights I crave. Of course, what makes something scary is a very subjective thing so I hope this list will stir up some healthy debate and perhaps some counter lists. Get ready for a long one, folks.

5. [REC] - 2007

When a TV reporter and her cameraman are filming a piece on firefighters working the night shift, they follow along to an emergency call at an apartment building, and soon all hell (and zombies) breaks loose. Filmed in first person Blair Witch/ Cloverfield/ Paranormal Activity style, this Spanish film is frantic and claustrophobic as you'd expect, but I think it works very well here.

You might recognize the premise if you've heard of the movie Quarantine, an American remake made a year later. Having watched them both the same day, I can state without hesitation that [REC] is the superior film and that Quarantine is nothing but a scene for scene remake with the occasional cheesy addition. Grow up and read some subtitles, people.

Anyway, this movie holds the distinction of being the only zombie movie that's scared me. There is a great buildup of suspense in the early portion of the film and then it takes off at full speed and you really feel like you're caught up in the panic and desperation of the situation.

The real reason the movie makes the list is because of the last fifteen minutes or so when the reporter and "you" (the cameraman) end up hiding in some forgotten rooms in the upper portion of the apartment building. What plays out in the darkness is so goddamned scary, and so unlike the rest of the film that I was thrown totally off guard. I'd like to say more but I'd rather not ruin it for you. All I know is that it is truly nightmarish, and I haven't been able to watch it again since. I even have goosebumps now just thinking about it. Frig.

4. The Exorcist - 1973

Look, I'm not going to waste time telling you what the story is to one of the most well known horror films of all time. I don't think it's the scariest movie ever made, but I do think that it remains shocking, twisted, and dark, even today.

The film naturally scared me most the first time I saw it. It still freaks me out on repeated viewings, but not like the first time around. I hesitated putting it on the list because of that. I wanted to put together the movies that scare me even now, not just when I was a kid.

Ultimately it deserves to be here because the movie is such a high quality of horror. The vomiting, the head spinning, the twisted voices, the spider walking; it's all scary and unforgettable. And because of the strong performances and the film's pacing, a growing sense of dread is always in the background of the film while all this other horrific shit is occurring. In the final act, I honestly feel afraid for the characters. Lately I've seen other exorcism related films popping up, and all have been weak by comparison. In fact most horror films lack the originality and unsettling goodness that The Exorcist brings to the table.

3. The Ring - 2002

Remember two entries ago when I bitched about Quarantine and that people should just stick with the foreign film? Well, time for a switcheroo! The original Japanese Ringu is scary, creepy, and introduced us to a whole new genre of horror, but I like Gore Verbinski's The Ring more. The killer videotape, the well, and the surprising ending all make this a memorable scary movie.

I went to the theatre alone to watch The Ring, and it was one of the best cinema experiences I've ever had. It was a one-of-a-kind group experience where everyone in the audience is collectively scared together and the air is thick with tension. At one point I screamed in fright and shock, and that has never happened to me before or since. I was not the only one freaking out; I could hear strangers around me shrieking, gasping, and in some cases sobbing. After the film I walked home in the dark, nerves shaken thoroughly, and I'm certain that if my TV had been showing static when I got home my heart would have fucking exploded.

Which brings me to the main reason why The Ring is so good at being scary. Because it develops horror from very innocuous things: TV static, videotapes, phone calls, and girls with long hair. Managed in the right way these things all become terrifying in and outside of the film. Most horror movies are about the fear of something or someone lurking in the shadows waiting to get you, but with The Ring (and much of modern Japanese horror) the thing is an unstoppable Evil. Evil that can't be outrun, fought, appeased, or reasoned with. It will just get you no matter what. Even if you're just hanging out with friends or chilling out in your spacious apartment in the middle of the day. That freaks me out.

2. Pet Sematary - 1989

A family moves into a house in a small rural community, and shortly after a tragedy leads to unexpected horrors when a father makes some terrible decisions in his desperate grief.

Early in the film we see the family's infant son nearly get hit by a car, and we get continuous warnings from their neighbour, Mr. Crandall, about the dangers of the road they live on, and how it's killed many a pet. Despite the foreshadowing, when the family's cat and son are killed, you still feel surprised. Partly because the foreshadowing seemed so ridiculously obvious, and partly because it's frustrating to see the family doing nothing to avoid it. Even though I know from the word go that it's going to happen, it's so goddamn painful to watch the son heading out onto the road with the father frantically chasing after him. It's the fear of being helpless.

In his grief and madness the father buries his son in a mysterious burial ground that has the power to reanimate the dead. But the dead don't come back the same. So you've got sort of a zombie movie, but not really. I have to tip my hat to this movie for having the balls to kill an infant. You rarely see that sort of thing even in horror films. And you certainly never see infants getting killed, having their graves defiled, coming back to life as a murderous baby, and being killed again by a loved one. That's messed up on several levels.

However, Pet Sematary is not about blood and gore, but about feelings of helplessness, grief, and guilt. The film is frightening because it plays on our fears of death, and losing loved ones. In many ways the movie reminds me of the short story "The Monkey's Paw", where a loved one is wished back from the dead and the choice is immediately regretted. We can relate to this yearning to undo the past, and the film scares us with a nightmarish "what if" scenario.

And if that's not enough, the film also throws in a terrifying cat, the ghost of a mangled teenager, an unsettling funeral scene, and some freaky flashbacks of the mother looking after her grotesquely emaciated dying sister. If this film doesn't scare you on some level, I am shocked.

1. Pulse (Kairo) - 2001

If you haven't noticed, all the films in my list have had American remakes, sequels, or both, and my number one is no different. I want to make a careful distinction here that I'm talking about the original Japanese film and not the godawful American remake of the same name.

The film is about a group of students who are investigating a paranormal website and its related suicides. If the movie Feardotcom popped into your head please push that right the fuck out. Feardotcom was an unwatchable piece of garbage. Kairo is a masterpiece of horror.

The movie is not about violence, gore, and all the other usual horror staples. It's all about mood and atmosphere. It creates an amazing sense of loneliness and hopelessness while still remaining terrifying, and I don't know how the director pulled that off.

I watched the movie alone in the dark and it was nearly my undoing. I think the movie is called Pulse because I reached levels of stress and fear where I could feel my heartbeat in my head. Jesus Christ, this movie is tense. You know that feeling in a movie where the suspense keeps building and building until finally something jumps out and you scream? Well this film lives on that razor edge of tension and nothing ever jumps out. No killer doll, no psychopath with a knife, no monster with claws. It just keeps edging closer and closer and the anxiety keeps growing and growing.

I not going to pretend that everyone will like this, because the movie is long, slowly paced, and confusing. In some ways the movie has an apocalyptic feel to it, where it seems like the characters are the last people on earth, wandering around in the forgotten corners of an urban wasteland. Combined with the score and cinematography, it's beautifully haunting.

For me it's the scariest movie I've ever seen because it gives me such a chilling sense of dread, isolation, and a terror of the unknown. When you watch it, you get that sinister feeling that something is watching you; that death and despair is looming over you. Images and ideas from the movie lingered with me for weeks after. Pulse is terrifying, dark, and an exceptionally strong psychological horror film and I really want to watch it again...I just haven't worked up the nerve.

Cole's Most Hated Movies of 1998

2011-06-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

I figured I should try a movie list to pull myself out of my recent funk since I pretty much always have some sort of idea in mind when it comes to listing films. The first thing that sprang to mind: abject hatred.

Last year I joined Shane in the tradition of listing my top five favourite films of the past year and plan to continue that. But Shane also follows up his favourite list with a most hated. I've shied away from that so far because since I started doing this, I've felt I hadn't seen enough movies from the year in question to do a truly worthwhile list. At best I would probably just be repeating what Shane had already said. But awhile ago it occurred to me that if I wanted to do a most hated movie list, there was no reason to just stick to the past year.

1998 was the year which brought us such cinematic excrement as Soldier, Species II, Snake Eyes, and Legionnaire - none of which made my list (be afraid, be very afraid). So with that in mind, I present to you my most hated movies of 1998.

5. Lost In Space
I saw this one in theatres under sort of weird circumstances. Several of my friends and I had gone without having any plan in mind and when it seemed we decided on what movie to see (I can't remember what it was) my friend Ryan (not affiliated with Five-O-Rama) suddenly said he didn't want to see that. He said he'd rather see Lost In Space. Before everyone started arguing, I volunteered to go with him. It was a decision I would come to regret. Whatever the movie our other friends went to had to have been better than this piece of junk.

And it was such an expensive piece of junk! It had an eighty-million dollar budget and used the best special effects of the day. I don't know if the original 60's tv series was ever particularly popular but it seemed the movie's producers were definitely committed to making the film a success. Except that throwing a bunch of money into special effects isn't the recipe for a good movie. You need other things like well-defined, well-acted characters, good direction and editing and that little thing called a good STORY. Lost In Space failed spectacularly in all those areas casting bland actors (Matt Leblanc, anyone?) to play bland characters trudging through a boring and ridiculous series of events. Even the great Gary Oldman is horrible in this disaster.

While it was universally panned it still made a profit at the box office and was actually the movie to knock the mighty Titanic out of number one in North America. But I guess something eventually had to. Previews for the movie actually made it look half-decent with all its flashy effects. But years later I remember it sourly as one of the worst movies of 1998.

4. The Avengers
Believe it or not, I saw this travesty in theatres too. 1998 was certainly a banner year for me wasting money on cinematic trash.

I can't recall having any sort of expectations for The Avengers going in. I was only mildly aware of the show on which it was based (another series from the 60's) and I don't remember ever being impressed by its previews. It's most likely that we just chose to see it for the sake of seeing something at the theatre. It had Sean Connery as the villain - it couldn't be that bad, right?

Wrong. What a mess this movie was. I mean, I usually have excellent recall when it comes to film but I can't remember anything substantial about The Avengers except that it was goddamned terrible. I understand that the original series had certain elements that made it very hip and stylish especially to a North American audience because it was so inherently British. Well, this film was made principally by Americans and it sure showed. It was clumsy, over the top and anything but cool. The plot was like something out of the most forgettable of Saturday morning cartoons - an evil mastermind betrays his government and schemes to TAKE OVER THE WORLD using a ridiculous weather-controlling machine.

Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman played agents Steed and Peel and both managed to leave absolutely no impression whatsoever. I mean it. I can't remember a single line of dialogue from either of them. Connery must have been drunk or high on his medication or something when he took the role of Sir August de Wynter and it definitely carries over into his performance. Seriously, check this shit out:

This one was a huge box office failure, grossing only $43 million against its $60 million budget. And it cleaned up at the Golden Raspberrys too, earning nine nominations (including worst actor, actress and supporting actor for the three leads and worst director) and taking home the award for Worst Remake or Sequel.

The whole movie is mercifully only 89 minutes long, as a substantial amount of stuff was cut out in editing which helped render it even more choppy and confusing. Maybe someday they'll have another go at an Avengers movie - it couldn't possibly be worse than this one.

3. A Night at the Roxbury
I saw this one when my poor ignorant parents rented it. I have no idea what drew them to it since they were in no way aware of the vapid SNL sketch on which it is based. At the time, I wasn't either actually. I hadn't watched the show for over two years and I wasn't familiar with most of the cast members. The names Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan meant absolutely nothing to me.

And if first impressions truly were everything, I probably would believe there's a special place in hell for those two because of that movie. Thankfully the two, particularly Ferrell, would go on to show they actually had some talent and could put it towards worthwhile things. But after seeing A Night at the Roxbury I could only conclude that I was absolutely right in my abandonment of SNL. This was a movie only in the loosest sense of the word.

Question: How can you possibly make a decent movie that's based entirely around an inane sketch featuring two losers dancing in a night club?

Answer: You can't. But you can make A Night at the Roxbury and give millions of people simultaneous headaches and bouts of indigestion leading to outbursts of profanity and violence.

The film features crappy acting, ridiculous dialogue and a slapped together series of events trying to pass for a story all accompanied by one of the most aggravating soundtracks of all time. Luckily, SNL selected John Fortenberry, director of the cinematic masterpiece known as Jury Duty to take the helm. Somehow, all these elements combined to make a movie that totally sucked. The world's leading movie scientists still toil even today to determine what could have gone wrong.

2. The Patriot
You know, I thought the 2000 Mel Gibson movie The Patriot was pretty lame. It came across as yet another movie that takes American history and tries to turn it into the greatest story ever told filled with amazing heroic Americans fighting against vile, despicable forces. But compared to this Steven Seagal direct to video (his first) diarrhea , it's Citizen fucking Kane.

Now I know that Seagal isn't exactly known for fine cinema. I also know that direct to video very rarely equals anything close to good. So it may seem like I'm picking on a movie that doesn't really deserve it. Well, to that I say this: in even the worst crap that Seagal has made, it's reasonable to expect some decent action. Even in his prime, his fighting style is pretty slow and mechanical but it could still be made to look somewhat cool. And it's not like he was completely over the hill in 1998. But none of that actually matters because there is about as much action in this movie as there is lesbian sex in E.T..

But the movie does feature Seagal killing plenty of soldiers. Confused? Allow me to explain. He plays a doctor (who of course is also a weapons and self-defence specialist) trying to combat a deadly virus released by a rogue militia. These geniuses realize that the vaccine they have for the virus doesn't actually work and now they're at risk too. Seagal is kidnapped and forced to come up with a working vaccine. But he can't seem to figure it out. Thus we get scene after scene of Seagal frowning over some beakers and shit then injecting sick soldiers, frowning some more as time passes, then REALLY frowning as he covers the now dead soldier with a sheet.

Eventually he discovers that some Native American herbal remedy is the answer. Some more junk happens, roll credits.

If you're wondering why I ever sat through this entire snoozefest it's because I kept telling myself that the action was going to start any minute now. And yes, before the end, he does kick and throw a few people but it's barely anything. It's easy to see why this didn't get a theatrical release considering Seagal was indulging his stupid desire to show how awesome and wise Native Americans are rather than just giving us what we want; that is, him killing lots of people. Although I have to say that watching him kill soldier after soldier by ineffectually trying to cure them is pretty amusing.

1. Pi
Unlike the rest of the movies on this list, this is one that actually has a good reputation. It holds down solid ratings on imdb and Rotten Tomatoes and has received some critical acclaim. It's Darren Aronofsky's directorial debut (he also wrote it) and of course he has gone on to be a very accomplished and respected director.

But....I....HATE Pi. I hate it. It doesn't just bore me, it unsettles me. It somehow makes me uncomfortable. Really, I hate to disappoint you and not really deliver with my number one but I just don't know what to say about this movie. I can't offer any valid arguments for why you should think it's a bad movie. I can't elucidate my thoughts into anything that would make a compelling case. I just know that I truly hate this movie. I hate everything about it: its concept, its look, its flow, its conclusion. Everything. I know it's regarded as an intelligent film but I remember actually feeling dumber after seeing it. I guess i just didn't "get it".

And you know what? I'm comfortable with that. Pi sucks. It sucks like a fucking vacuum cleaner in a black hole and it's the worst movie of 1998, period.

Looking Forward to E3 2011

2011-06-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

I’m looking to start a tradition here at Five-O-Rama. Last year this time I wrote a list of what I was looking forward to at E3 2010. Well, here’s my list for E3 2011! I hope you enjoy.

5. Square Enix News

If you’re not aware, ol’ Squeenix has been seeing some hard times as of late. Yes, you read me right. The megalith company that could do no wrong, which fathered such classics as Final Fantasy VI, VII, Secret of Mana, Einhander - the list goes on – is in financial trouble.

In recent years the company that was Squaresoft did some amazing things. They published games that their fans wanted to play, and wouldn’t shy away from a title that might not fit the mould, like The Bouncer for instance. Their successes allowed them to join forces with the company that rivaled them in the RPG market, Enix – the creators of Dragon Quest - and most recently they acquired Eidos Interactive, the company that brought us Tomb Raider, Legacy of Kain and Deus Ex.

They may, however, have stretched themselves a little thin. The video game market isn’t what it used to be in Japan and even a massive company like Square Enix has had to change their methods. With the catastrophic failure of Final Fantasy XIV Online (you’ll have to look that one up, too much to go into here) and the strife that has recently struck Japan things aren’t looking great for the dynasty.

This year at E3 could be an opportunity to fix all of that.

What do I hope to see from them? Well, they’ve claimed that they’ve gone back to the drawing board with Final Fantasy XIV Online, and I think now would be a great time to show what they’ve reworked with that title. They shouldn’t rush it, however. That’s what got them into this mess in the first place.

Not so long ago some Internet-savvy individuals noticed that Squeenix had procured the domain name for Final Fantasy XIII-2 and since then the company has teased that they do plan a sequel to the love-it-or-hate-it title. I’m interested to see where they plan to go with it. Possibly something more traditional? That’s what I’m hoping.

I’d also like some more news on the forgotten game, Final Fantasy Type-0 for the PSP. Being a PSP fan, I’m always looking forward to a cool new game to play for it. Originally titled Final Fantasy XIII Agito, the game is part of the Fabula Nova Crystalis series of FF games (the others being FF XIII and FF Versus XIII) and not much else is known, except for some character profiles and screenshots. I’d like to know more!

Lastly there has been talk of a possible remake of Final Fantasy VI for the 3DS. This is in no way confirmed, and may in fact have just been a thought, but with popular remakes of Final Fantasy III and IV on the DS, it would make sense to take a look at FF V and VI for Nintendo’s newest handheld. I won’t hold my breath on this one, though.

4. Sony’s Next Generation Portable (NGP)

Although speculation of what was then called the “PSP2”, the successor to the Sony Playstation Portable, began as far back as 2009, it wasn’t until January of this year that Sony formerly announced the device they’ve codenamed the NGP or “Next Generation Portable”.

Screenshots of the handheld show it to look very much like the PSP, but with a huge (comparatively speaking) 5 inch OLED screen, a touchpad interface on the back, two analog joysticks and a new interface called LiveArea, which will replace the XMB screen used in the PSX DVR, PSP and PS3.

The format for this new device’s software has been changed as well. Nerfing the UMD (Universal Media Disk) format from the PSP, Sony plans to launch NVG cards as this system’s format. These cards are a proprietary size, but looks very much like a memory card format.

Probably the most striking aspect of the NGP is the 5 inch OLED (organic light emitting diode), which shows beautiful high resolution (possibly high definition) graphics. It’s claimed that the graphical output is comparable to that of the PS3, which has been highlighted by showing off Metal Gear Solid 4 running on the NGP hardware. The touchscreen on the back my be a cool new feature, but not much is known about it, so it’s yet to be seen if this is just a gimmick or a really cool innovation.

Sony sort of jumped the gun on releasing information about the NGP, probably because of the launch of the Nintendo 3DS, but still very little is known about the system except some specs and design. Rumoured to be titled the Playstation Vita, more is expected to be seen at E3 2011, including some launch titles and, finally, the system’s real name.

3. Resident Evil: Revelations

In 2005 Capcom released, to critical acclaim, Resident Evil 4 for the Gamecube and Playstation 2. It took the series in a completely new direction, not only in regards to the storyline, which no longer featured zombies as the main enemies, but in gameplay style. The player would now use an over-the-shoulder view when firing their weapon and there was less of a focus on puzzle elements, amongst other changes.

Although this new Resident Evil was welcomed, I – and I don’t think I’m alone on this – craved a “traditional” RE adventure. I know that those games sometimes don’t translate as well with younger generations, because of their hokey voice acting and tank controls, but there was something to using the storage boxes, having just enough ammo and figuring out crazy puzzles that are inexplicably strewn throughout an old mansion in the hillside.

Well, Capcom heard the cries of gamers like myself and have created an all-new original RE title for the Nintendo 3DS. Subtitled “Revelations” the game will take place between Resident Evil 4 and its sequel – the all-too action oriented – Resident Evil 5, in which we see the original protagonists, Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine, in an adventure that spans the gap between those titles.

The game will feature the style of gameplay seen in previous iterations of the series, but with new over-the-shoulder view when using your gun. It will also feature a third person view that allows players to run and shoot at the same time.

Capcom really listens to its fanbase when it comes to matters like this. They are always bringing back classics titles either in total remakes or all-out “retrofests” like Mega Man 9 and 10. I hope that Revelations lives up to the hype and is a great new Resident Evil with an old school feel.

2. Super Mario 3DS

Ah, Super Mario. Nintendo’s flagship franchise of course is returning to boost sales of their newest device, the 3DS. Of course, with the system being called the 3DS, the opportunity was there for Nintendo to return to the greatest Super Mario of them all, Super Mario Bros. 3.

If you’ve played New Super Mario Bros. or New Super Mario Bros. Wii then you know that Nintendo has returned to the SMB3/SMB World style of game a few times now, but Super Mario 3DS appears to be even more of a throwback to the themes of SMB3, most importantly Raccoon Mario.

At Games Developer Conference (GDC) 2011, Satoru Iwata – President of Nintendo – delivered the keynote address, which focused on the future of gaming. Of course, he couldn’t help but tease some future titles for the 3DS and showed the title for the new Super Mario release. On the title card you could clearly see a small tail hanging on the end, which Iwata quickly pointed out.

With the Internet abuzz, speculating that this would be a full remake of Super Mario Bros. 3 for the 3DS, Iwata and Shigeru Miyamoto – Game Director and Producer and creator of the Super Mario franchise – released some tidbits about the future game, explaining that it would be a cross of Super Mario Galaxy and Super Mario 64. As to the appearance of the tail, Miyamoto-san said, “It’s what you think it is.”

The game is to be a completely new title, which appears to be a 3D platformer that follows the formula of the older Mario titles, that is Mario starts off small and becomes big when he uses a Super Mushroom. Also, with the talk of the “tail” it appears there will be other classic power-ups, such as Raccoon Mario.

Mostly anything else is speculation, although a few screenshots have been released. Iwata has stated, however, that all will be revealed this year at E3 2011!

1. Nintendo Project Café

You might call me biased, but the reality is I like all the video game systems. That said I have been a huge fan of Nintendo since I was a kid, and if they’re going to announce a new system, you better believe I’m going to be excited about it.

Although some people are surprised that a new home console system would be announced in 2011, if you follow Nintendo you’d see that they – since the SNES was released in 1990/91 – have released a new console every five years without failure. The blockbuster Nintendo Wii was released in 2006, so here we go again!

Nintendo does a great job of teasing their new stuff, and so the codename of their new system, Project Café, and some tidbits of info were leaked prior to this year’s E3, just to get everyone hyped about their announcement of the system on June 7th.

Many are calling it the Wii HD, but from all accounts this appears to be a misnomer. The new system from Nintendo isn’t intended to be a “sequel” to their smash hit system, but a completely new hardware giant that will succeed the Wii.

Nintendo has received some flak about the lack of “hard core” content for the Wii and it appears they’ve heard the criticisms. This new system is said to be as powerful or slightly better than the PS3 and Xbox 360, will have online play and a standard style of controller.

Of course that’s where the twist comes in.

As Nintendo has to have some driving innovation with their new console releases, the rumoured new feature for this system will be a small touchscreen on the controller itself. This leads to a lot of speculation as to its use, which I imagine could lead to many possibilities.

Rumoured to be called the Nintendo “Stream” or “Feel”, many expect that the second screen will work much like on a DS or 3DS, and will be a support screen. Also, there is the belief that some downloadable titles will have the option to be streamed to the controller and played on it solely.

I personally see this as an opportunity to support a DS or 3DS player on the new hardware. In the past Nintendo has released adapters that allowed gamers to play their handheld games on their current hardware. First there was the Super Gameboy for the SNES, then the Gameboy Player for the Gamecube. With the unique interface of the DS, this wasn’t possible on the Wii. With this new touchscreen on the controller of the Café it seems to me that Nintendo will be able to have this functionality built into their new home console.

This is also a golden opportunity to completely revamp their online visibility as a company. In the past “friend codes” and the like have kept online play with Nintendo’s systems in a weakened state, with a few titles like Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Mario Kart Wii having a small online following. This new system is a chance to catch up with Microsoft and Sony and release a totally new online capable system. The sky’s the limit really, but I’m envisioning something new, that will involve social networking for gamers, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

What else do I hope to see from Project Café? I’m hoping to see downloadable Gamecube titles to the system. It’s reported it will already have backward compatibility with the Wii, but being able to download some GC titles to the system doesn’t seem out of reach.

Rumours continue to fly about the system having a design to look like the SNES, or at least a retro feel, but there has been some leaked information (sorry about the music on that one) about the system, which may or may not be real, that contradicts this idea.

Usually I don’t lend credence to such speculation, but there have been multiple leaked videos that all show a very similar, if not dead on exact, console and controller of what could be Nintendo’s new system.

It appears to have a similar look to the Wii (as it stands on its side) and the controller mock-ups appear to have a screen, which may or may not be a touchscreen device.

All speculation aside, this system will usher in the eighth generation of home consoles. I can’t wait to see what they have planned for this system and if any of these rumours are true, but more importantly I’m excited to see what games they have in store. A new Mario? Probably. New Zelda? That might not be out of the realm of possibility. Twilight Princess was a launch title for the Wii as well as Gamecube game. Will Skyward Sword appear on both the Wii and Project Café? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see at E3 2011!

Expect to see my list of favourite announcements from the show in the coming weeks!

Best Educational Shows for Kids

2011-05-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

I think the title is pretty self explanatory. This list focuses on kid shows from the 80's and 90's that gave us a proper television education growing up.

5. Beakman's World (1992-1997)

What do you get when you combine a mad scientist, his energetic lab assistant, and a strange man in a filthy rat suit? Saturday morning gold, is what. The whole show was about these three weirdos hanging out in laboratory answering viewer's questions with zany experiments and demonstrations. While the questions they tackled covered a wide range of topics, I remember a lot were about gross biological questions (eg. Why do we have snot?).

For all the slime and farts there was a lot you could learn and it was really funny and entertaining. For kids it was a winning combination of craziness, humour, and facts. The only question they never answered was if Lester was supposed to be an overgrown lab rat, or just some creepy hobo in a costume.

4. OWL/TV (1985-1994)

Of course we need to get our Canadian content in here. I have to be honest, there was something about this show that was kind of strange. I don't know if it was the animated owl wearing sneakers, the shrinking children, the talking skeleton, or just the ugly 80's hair and clothes, but I just have weird memories of the show.

Anyway, much of the show focussed on kids learning about animals, human biology and nature (a Canadian show about Nature!? Surprise!) and participating in environmental projects. It was fun, engaging, and eye-opening. Plus as a bonus, it has a pretty catchy theme song.

3. Bill Nye the Science Guy (1993-1998)

If you couldn't guess, this is a science show.

It shared similarities with "Beakman's World", but it was on the slightly more mature side (meaning less rats and boogers). Each episode of the show was great at teaching a specific topic in an understandable and interesting way, using segments with elaborate props, experiments, parodies of famous songs, and more.

It used the fun Disney approach, but it never treated the viewer like an idiot. Bill Nye tells it like it is, in his own fast-paced and funny way. It's obvious the guy cares about science and spreading an appreciation for the subject. The show is smart enough to be used in classroom learning, and fun enough that you'd watch it at home too.

2. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (1991-1995)

A game show about geography might seem like a boring concept, but this was anything but boring. You got your contestants playing as detectives trying to catch an ambitious thief, tracking her and her goons around the globe and hunting for clues along the way. I really wanted to be on this show. Too many times I found myself yelling at the screen because some kid running around a giant map couldn't find Norway.

The show had interesting characters and, as Cole has pointed out, a wicked theme song. By having the players facing a common enemy it made a competitive game show more like a battle of good vs. evil. You were learning AND fighting injustice. I mean, that bitch stole the beans from Lima, people.

1. Sesame Street (1969- Present)

Is there really any need for me to explain why this is number one? Look at how long it's been on the air for crying out loud. The show, the characters, and lessons are hardwired into every child's brain. Sesame Street is the quintessential educational kid show; it lays the groundwork for early childhood learning.

But of course, Sesame Street is for every age group, because it presents basic concepts in clever and creative ways: skits, musical parodies, animated segments, celebrity appearances, and a main storyline.

Yes, this show introduced us to the upsetting and annoying, Elmo, but we can forgive that since every other character is awesome and memorable: Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Grover, Bert and Ernie, Kermit, to name a few. On Sesame Street kids saw that a large bird, a hairy mammoth, a trash monster, and humans could all get along and work together.

Not only did these colourful characters teach us how to count, spell, and sing, but they taught us important life lessons. To be independent, to solve problems, to treat everyone equally and fairly, to share, to cooperate, to care for each other and the earth. Because of this show millions of kids had a foundation of information to become smarter, better people, and that makes it the greatest educational show for kids ever.

The Lighter Side of Friday the 13th

2011-05-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

We all know the Friday the 13th films for the flagrant use of gore and teenage sex, but we can't ignore just how hilarious some moments can be in this horror franchise. This year, I thought it might be nice to highlight some of my favourite funny dialogue from the series.

5. "We love premarital sex!" - VR Teen Girl #1 and #2 (Kaye Penaflor and Tania Maro)

I personally consider Jason X to be one of the worst films in the Friday the 13th franchise. A lot of this film falls flat, but it has its moments. In a tongue-in-cheek scene meant to poke fun at the series as a whole, we are treated to probably one of the best moments in the film.

Jason, who has now become some kind of cybernetic super killer (ugh), is stalking the last of his would-be prey throughout a spaceship in the distant future (double ugh). In a last ditch effort to give themselves some time to escape, the remaining crew turn on a VR simulation of Crystal Lake as it would have been in the 80s.

Instantly the landscape changes to a picturesque sunset over the breathtaking Crystal Lake. As Jason turns to take it all in he sees two young, supposedly teenage girls standing scantily clad just a few feet away.

One has a beer in her hand and the other a joint. They then go into this hilarious exchange about how much they love to drink and smoke pot. Then they bust out about how much they love to have premarital sex and begin to strip off right there.

As funny as that is, it isn't the punch line. We cut back to the crew, frantically trying to use this time to their advantage and when we return to the VR scene, we see that Jason has stuffed the two girls into sleeping bags and is smashing them off some trees. This is a nice nod to Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, for those in the know.

It's just nice to see that the film wasn't taking itself too seriously (which it couldn't... I mean, future Jason in space, remember people?) and Todd Farmer, the writer of the film, threw in this cute little nod to the yesteryears of the series.

4. "Sit on it, Tonto!" - Officer Dorf (Ron Millkie)

This is one of those serendipitous moments in the Friday the 13th series that can never be planned or replicated. Ron Millkie, having known Sean Cunningham (director of Friday the 13th) early in his career, called Cunningham up to see if there was a part for him in the film. Having intended to play Officer Dorf himself, Cunningham passed the part on to Millkie and the rest is history.

Officer Dorf is one of those pumped up, over-confident, big men cops. When he gets a call to check out Camp Crystal Lake he makes sure to impose his presence over the youngsters there.

I believe this scene is mostly improvised by Millkie and the whole thing comes off as comedic gold. He plays this perfect cross between total jerk and benign dork. He starts off by asking the counsellors if they're smoking a plethora of drugs, trying to use their "lingo", and ensures to impress his authority on all the young people before speeding off into the wilderness.

One of the funniest parts is that Millkie had no idea how to ride a motorcycle, so when he attempts to start it up before leaving he just looks so stupid, it adds to the dorkiness of the Officer Dorf character. A stunt double from the local Sheriff's department had to be hired to drive the motorcycle away for the rest of the shot.

3. "God, I'm horny." - Jim (Crispin Glover)

In what could be argued to be the best film in the series, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, we are treated to two amazing characters by the names of Teddy and Jim. In a pack of good-looking teenagers, Teddy and Jim instantly stand out as lovable dorks. They have several funny conversations in the film, but my favourite is when we're first introduced to the duo in their car ride to Crystal Lake.

Sitting in the back of the packed station wagon, Jim is pouring his soul out to his best friend Teddy about his girlfriend, Betty, dumping him. Ted makes sure to crunch the numbers as to why ol' Jimbo might have lost his girl into his trusty imaginary computer. The result: Jim is a "dead fuck".

I found the dialogue between these two to actually be well written, which is certainly not a staple of the series. But best of all was their camaraderie. You actually feel like this is two best friends giving each other shit. I can't say that for the rest of the group. They almost seem like strangers, but not Teddy and Jim.

To make any of the scenes between these two characters even better, Jim is played by Crispin Glover. To say he's a strange person would be an understatement. Glover is known to often improvise his scenes and add stuff into them that is completely inexplicable (i.e. the dancing scene later in the film). After he and Teddy talk about Jim's problems, leaving Jim feeling completely demoralized and less of a man, he quietly utters into his own hands, "God, I'm horny."

I lose it laughing every single time he does that.

2. "Those damn enchiladas!" - Demon (Miguel A. Nunez, Jr.)

These last two entries are actually from the same film, Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning. The dark horse of the Friday franchise, Part V is a new take on the mythos of the films that most people either love or hate.

I happen to love this movie.

It's actually a pretty extreme movie that has a lot of everything. It has boobs, blood and a twist ending. One thing it certainly doesn't lack in is comedy.

In this scene we see Reggie (the Wreckless) meeting his brother Demon in a trailer park, where Demon is staying with his new girlfriend. Of course as soon as you see these two you know that the only reason for them to have met up with Reggie was so that they could be offed in horrible fashion later in the film.

Once Reggie hits the road Demon chills out with a nice joint and some Mexican food to relax for the evening (because eating Mexican while sleeping within the confines of a van is a great idea). Suddenly he leaps up from the back of van and screeches for the bathroom screaming, "Those daaaamn enchiladas!"

After you've had a good laugh at that line, you're treated to one of the most inexplicable scenes in the series. His girlfriend shows up to scare him by shaking the shithouse he's in. Demon then drops the manly line, "You're gonna get it, bitch!" Once the two have settled down, they decide that this is an opportune time to sing love songs to one another.

This is, of course, capped off by Jason having his way with the two of them, but up until then the scene is just too strange to believe, and has me in stitches every time I watch the movie.

1. "Holy shit! Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want?" - Ethel (Carol Locatell)

As funny as the stuff with Demon is, it doesn't hold a candle to any of the scenes that include Ethel and Junior Hubbard. Ethel and Junior are town legends for their crazy, red-necked antics. I can't possibly choose just one scene that they're in to highlight in this list, so you'll just have to go watch the movie and see it all for yourself.

One of my favourite lines, though, does come from Ethel when she meets up with a drifter looking for a bed and a hot meal. She is startled by the man at her step and screams out, "Holy shit! Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do you want!?" The shocked look on her face coupled with multiple f-bombs from this diminutive woman totally land the line

As she relays what just happened to her to half-witted son, Junior, the two have a hilarious back and forth, in which Ethel proceeds to call her son a "big dildo" and force feeds the man her "stew". Having watched this movie many times, my best estimates are that this stew includes copious amounts of water, some kind of green garnish, tomatoes, whole chicken parts and chunks of carrots. Whatever the case, Junior can't heave the stuff into his gullet fast enough.

Every single scene that Ethel is in, she steals, but Junior plays a great prop for her antics and the two make what I consider to be the best comedy pairing of the entire series, bar none.

Now that I've talked about all these great (and not-so-great) movies, why don't you go out and watch a few! Happy Friday the 13th!

Underrated Mega Man Songs

2011-04-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

The same songs are always mentioned when the question of “What are the best Mega Man songs?” comes up. I thought it might be fun to point out a few songs you never hear about.

5. Mega Man and Bass (GBA) – Pirate Man - “Marine Wreck”

This one has a really fresh feel to it. It’s a calm, subdued sort of tune, which is few and far between in the world of Mega Man. It has a beat to it, and keeps a pretty strong pace throughout the song, but the whispered tones of the notes hold on to that relaxed vibe.

Oddly enough it’s a water stage tune. I don’t know what it is about video game soundtracks and using soft, melodic tunes for their water-themed stages, but I love it.

This one in particular is incredibly relaxing. When you listen to it away from the game, you can hardly believe that it would fit into a Mega Man game. Go ahead, give it a listen.

4. Rock Man Battle and Chase (PS) – Wily’s Course - “Duel”

This song opens with a really cheesy, over-the-top introduction that makes you feel like you’re listening to some kind of 80s movie soundtrack featuring hair metal bands or something.

I assure you the song completely changes tone within a few seconds. 16 to 17 seconds, to be exact.

It still holds on to some kind of weird hair metal band feel to it, but in that awesome Japanese way. It switches between this heavy, high-powered riff to a softer and much more melodic touch (with dual guitars and synths!) which just sounds awesome.

This is an awesome song to get you pumped up and completely suits this game, which features Mega Man characters in a sort of Mario Kart rip-off. I say rip-off, but the reality is that all the video game companies have done this sort of thing. Namco even had a Pac-Man racing game.

Anyway, tangent aside, this is an awesome tune. Go, enjoy.

3. Mega Man II (GB) – “Air Man's Theme”

That’s right, there’s another Air Man theme! I know what you’re thinking. It can’t possibly be better than the theme from the NES title, and it’s not. That doesn’t take away from the fact that this tune is also really awesome.

I actually really like Mega Man II – aka Rockman World 2 in Japan – for the Game Boy. In the past I’ve often given up on Game Boy games because of the simple, monochrome graphics. That is a regret of mine, but one game I totally gave a chance and loved was Mega Man II.

I snagged a copy of it when I got my Game Boy Advance, many moons ago, and I couldn’t put it down. Here I was amidst all kinds of great handheld titles like Golden Sun and Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow and I still found the time to hammer out this old Game Boy game.

One of my favourite parts – which surprised me totally – was the music, and the song that stuck out for me the most was Air Man’s stage.

It is very Mega Man – if that can be a description – but I think you get what I’m laying down. It feels like an old 8-bit Mega Man theme song from stem to stern. It’s just really solid. You can sort of feel the limitations of the hardware, but the song is still there. Give it a listen.

2. Mega Man IV (GB) – “Title Theme”

I love this song, but, in my opinion, it does not fit a title screen. It always shocks me that they decided not use this in a stage of the game.

The song has a very interesting vibe and hook to it. It just gives you that amped up feel only a Mega Man tune can. To me, this is a song you find in a Wily Stage, while you’re winding down the game.

It is a little more placid than, say, one of the final Wily Stages, but it totally suits a Wily Stage 1 or something along those lines.

It has the epic touches you’d expect to excite you for the final parts of the game. It should have at least made its way into one of the robot master’s stages, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. It is still a great song, and you can enjoy it here.

1. Mega Man 7 (SNES) - "Wily Stage 1"

Now here is a Wily Stage 1 theme! I might be totally making this up in my head, but I find that there is a distinct feel to a Wily Stage 1 theme in the Mega Man games. Heck, not just a Wily Stage 1, but the first of the final stages in general. Compare this song to, I don’t know, Sigma Stage 1 from Mega Man X and you’ll hear what I mean.

It’s what I alluded to in the second entry of this list. They have a sort of specific feel and air to them that makes them a Wily Stage 1 theme. They exhilarate you for what is coming up, but at the same time not so much as music you’ll often find in the very last stage.

This song certainly fits that archetype. It has a slick atmosphere to it. Much like a few of the other songs on this list, it’s very cool and soft. It however builds well, helping to push the player on as he/she enters the final stretch of a Mega Man game.

Say what you will about Mega Man 7, but if you listen to this song, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.

Fifty-Goal Scorers You've Never Heard Of

2011-03-10T19:21:00.001-08:00

Ever since the great Maurice Richard first accomplished the feat way back in 1945, scoring fifty goals in an NHL season has been a benchmark for offensive greatness. It was sixteen years before another player, Bernie "Boom Boom" Geoffrion (also a Hab) would do it. Besides being the first player to ever hit the mark, The Rocket also managed it in just fifty games, setting another even more difficult measurement of scoring ability. The list of players to hit fifty in fifty (or less) is short indeed.

But still, reaching fifty goals in a single season remains a remarkable achievement in hockey and many of the game's brightest offensive stars never did it. Ron Francis never did it (never even came close). Neither did Adam Oates or Peter Stastny (although he'd have forty or more five times). Gilbert Perreault was a wonderful scorer and while he would help linemate Rick Martin do it twice (and 49 once), he never actually reached the mark himself. (note: I just read today, March 13, that Rick Martin passed away at the age of fifty-nine. My condolences go out to his family and friends. He was a great hockey player and, I'm sure, person.) Mark Messier, who has 694 career goals, only ever scored fifty once, way back in his third season. Gordie Howe, Mister Hockey himself, never potted fifty in a season although he would come very close a couple times.

However, to date there are 87 different NHL players with at least one fifty goal season to their name and some of them are hardly household names. With expansion came an increase in scoring as the early to mid seventies featured some truly terrible teams with terrible goaltending. This was the decade where Phil Esposito would smash the scoring record with a 76 goal season and he would top sixty three more times. The eighties would see a crop of offensive stars led by Wayne Gretzky that gave their teams the ability to play a wide open, offensive style that led to many goals. So the players I've chosen for this list come from that era. Mike Bossy scored at least fifty every full season he played.

Obviously, if you're at all into hockey and its history, I'm sure you will have at least heard of these players but to casual fans these are names they probably don't know. If I were to write this list again in ten years or so, I'm fairly certain Jonathan Cheechoo would be on it. But as his miraculous 56 goals came somewhat recently in the 05/06 season, I figure he still has some recognition attached to his name.

5. Gary Leeman - 51 goals for the Toronto Maple Leafs, 89/90
The most recent fifty-goal man on this list, it's wholly possible that once again my Leafs bias has come into play as there are several other guys I could've put in this spot who are definitely more unknown. But whatever, I wanted to include him.

In their long and storied (and painful) history, the Toronto Maple Leafs have had a lot of great players. But only three have actually scored fifty in a season while with the team. Darryl Sittler had four seasons with more than forty goals but never managed fifty. Frank Mahovolich had 48 way back in 60/61. Rick Vaive became the first with a team record 54 in the 81/82 season. He would follow that up with 51 goals the next year and 52 the year after that. He's the only Leaf to post multiple fifty-goal seasons.

But out of the jumbled mess that was the Leafs of the late eighties - an always entertaining bunch that scored lots of goals, gave up even more and racked up tons of penalty minutes - came a bright light named Gary Leeman. During his first three NHL seasons he was an ineffectual scorer, not even posting double digits in goals. But in 86/87 his ascent began with a modest 21 goal effort. The next two years he posted over thirty goals as a member of the semi-famous "Hound Line" with Wendel Clark and Russ Courtnall and in 89/90 made the jump to 51, mostly benefiting from the sublime playmaking skills of young centre, Vincent Damphousse.

Leeman himself was still only twenty-five years old at the time and his future as an elite scorer looked bright. But it wasn't to be. That season was his last where he played at least seventy games. He only managed 17 goals in 52 games in 90/91 and the next year, despite only posting 7 goals in 34 games, was still coveted enough by the Calgary Flames to be a key part in the blockbuster trade that involved ten players and brought Doug Gilmour to Toronto. Gilmour would of course go on to achieve folk hero status as a Leaf, bringing the team back to respectability (although of course not on his own) while Leeman battled injuries and inconsistency wherever he went. He was able to win a Cup playing a limited role with the Montreal Canadiens in 92/93 but he bounced to two more teams (Vancouver and St. Louis), barely playing any games before leaving the NHL for good in 1996.

4. Danny Grant - 50 goals for the Detriot Red Wings, 74/75
For six seasons from the late sixties through early seventies, Danny Grant was a reliable scorer for the Minnesota North Stars, averaging about 30 goals a year. He actually won the 1969 Calder Trophy as top NHL rookie for his 34 goal, 65 point season.

After being such a consistent offensive presence for the North Stars it was fairly surprising that they saw fit to trade him to Detroit for defensive forward Henry Boucha. Boucha was a Minnesota native so it's possible North Stars management thought the appeal of having a hometown player would boost attendance. Whatever the case, Boucha would only play one season with Minnesota before jumping to the WHA. That same year, Grant scored 50 goals for the Red Wings, playing with superstar-to-be Marcel Dionne. Even though the Wings were crap in the seventies (kinda like how they were in the eighties), Grant wasn't actually the first one to hit the fifty mark. Mickey Redmond actually pulled it off in the two seasons before Grant's arrival, scoring 52 and 51 goals respectively. Just like Grant, he benefited from the massive talents of Dionne.

Grant's 74/75 season was of course the high point of his career but it was also the beginning of the end. For the next four seasons he was plagued by injuries and would never even reach 20 goals again before retiring in 1979.

So why include Grant instead of Redmond? Well, Redmond not only scored fifty twice, he also holds the distinction of being the first Detroit Red Wing to accomplish the feat. This is pretty impressive considering that's Gordie Howe's team. But Howe put up 49 goals in the 52/53 season and while he of course continued to put up points at a torrid pace, that was as close as he ever got to hitting fifty goals.

Also Grant is from Fredricton, New Brunswick and I think it's pretty cool that a Maritimer is a member of the 50 goal club. Sidney Crosby is of course the other one.

3. Jacques Richard - 52 goals for the Quebec Nordiques, 80/81
The second Richard (no relation) to score fifty goals in an NHL season is infinitely less famous. However, Jacques was projected to be a star, drafted second overall in the 1972 draft by the expansion Atlanta Flames after an insane 71 goal, 160 point season with the Quebec Remparts. Comparisons were made to Guy Lafleur. He would play for the Flames as a nineteen year old in the 72/73 season (this team was actually coached by Boom Boom Geofrrion by the way) posting modest totals of 13 goals and 31 points. His second year he'd display some of his vast potential potting 27 goals (but few assists led to only 43 total points). But he would fall back to 17 goals the following year and I guess the Flames lost patience with him, trading him to Buffalo for the 75/76 season.

Richard's years in Buffalo were tumultuous. He developed a drinking problem and began having off-ice issues, gambling, abusing cocaine and once getting injured in a bar fight. He managed just 12 goals in 73 games the year he arrived. The next two seasons he would spend a significant amount of time with the Sabres's minor league affiliate, where he actually scored at a fairly decent pace. But he just couldn't do it in the NHL. Coach Punch Imlach would later say that Richard was "wasting his talent". He was traded once more.

Now Richard was in Quebec - the city of his glory days as a junior. In the 80/81 season, his first full one with the club (and eighth as a pro), he would finally showcase his abilities, playing on a line with Peter and Anton Stastny. He exploded for 52 goals and 103 points.

But that was to be his only shining moment in the NHL as his mediocre play returned and his numbers dropped. Future Hall of Famer Michel Goulet stepped in as the Nordiques's premiere goal scorer (he would have four fifty-goal seasons of his own) and Richard retired in 1983 as a symbol of great potential unrealized.

2. Guy Chouinard - 50 goals for the Atlanta Flames, 78/79
When Jacques Richard was lighting it up for the Quebec Remparts in 71/72 and being touted as the NHL's next big offensive star, there was a supremely gifted fourteen year old on his team. Even though this kid was four years younger than the vast majority of his teammates and opponents, he still put up an extremely impressive 70 points in 58 games. His next two years of junior would see him surpass the one hundred point mark, first with 129 then 160 - the same amazing total as Richard in his final year but at the age of only sixteen. That kid was Guy Chouinard.

Despite his crazy numbers as a sixteen year old, Chouinard was once again overshadowed by a teammate, this time seventeen year old Real Cloutier - an absolute scoring machine who had 93 goals and 213 points in 69 games. But Cloutier would opt to play in the WHA rather than the NHL and became one of that league's most dazzling and prolific goal scorers. Chouinard was still a first round pick in the 1974 draft but a late one at twenty-eighth overall. He was picked up by the same team who had selected Richard two years earlier, the Atlanta Flames.

Since he was still seventeen when he was drafted, Chouinard was too young to play in the NHL (the WHA had no such rule, by the way - Wayne Gretzky, among others would play there as a seventeen year old) so he played a year in the now defunct CHL with the Omaha Knights, finishing third in team scoring. The next year he may not have been ready to jump to the NHL and spent the 75/76 season with the AHL's Nova Scotia Voyageurs, scoring 40 goals and 80 points. His first two years with the Flames, where he put up 50 and 58 points respectively, suggested he was more of a playmaker than goalscorer, and if you look at his career NHL stats, they certainly support that claim. But in the 78/79 season, Chouinard scored 50 goals and 107 points, becoming the first Flame to ever hit the 50 goal mark and the only player to do it while the team was in Atlanta.

Actually, I would make the claim that Guy Chouinard is the best Atlanta Flame of all time. He was with the team when it moved to Calgary and continued to play well for them although his goal totals dropped from 31 to 23 to 13. His last year in the NHL, 83/84, he played 64 games for the St. Louis Blues. He had a very good career overall, if cut a little short. He had 575 points in 578 games, 205 of them goals. But if you look at it within the context of his pro career, his fifty-goal season definitely appears to be an anomaly. But not a fluke.

1. Pierre Larouche - 53 goals for the Pittsburgh Penguins, 75/76; 50 goals for the Montreal Canadiens, 79/80
The only player on this list to post multiple fifty goal seasons, even more impressive is the fact that he did it with two different teams. Larouche was the first NHL player to ever accomplish this and remains on a pretty short list. No player has yet recorded fifty goals in a season with three different teams but Larouche actually very nearly did this, scoring 48 as a New York Ranger in 83/84. He still holds a record as the only player to have scored at least 45 goals for three separate teams.

And yet he remains relatively unknown. But he was hardly a flash in the pan, scoring at a very consistent level throughout his career and finishing with more points than games played. He also won two Stanley Cups with the Canadiens in 1978 and 1979. But even though he scored fifty goals for the second time in 79/80, he was second in team scoring to superstar Guy Lafleur who was recording his sixth (in a row, I might add). In fact, whenever those incredible Montreal teams that won four straight Cups from 1976 thru 1979 are spoken of, Larouche's name rarely even comes up. Even with his fifty goal season, he's still mostly remembered as a bit player on that team of stars.

Larouche's first fifty (53, remember) goal season, coming in just his second year at the age of nineteen was definitely seen as impressive. He added 58 assists for 111 total points. He set the record as the youngest player to have a 50 goal, 100 point season (Lafleur was 22 for his first). But perhaps the fact that this record would only stand for four years before a certain teenager named Gretzky would enter the league and break it (and so, so many others) contributed to his lack of general NHL fame.

And for those wondering if Larouche was the only Penguin to score fifty before Mario Lemieux, not only was he not because Rick Kehoe would put up 55 in 80/81, he actually watched teammate Jean Pronovost (who would later play with Guy Chouinard in Atlanta) rack up 52 of his own that same season (75/76). Speaking of Lemieux, just like Gretzky, he would take one of Larouche's records away from him. In junior, Larouche scored an astounding 94 goals and 157 assists in 73/74 for what must have looked like an unassailable record 251 points. But ten years later The Magnificent One would RAPE the Quebec league for 282 points (including 133 goals).

Larouche retired a Ranger in 1988 with 395 career goals in 812 games. But the fact that he so evenly spread his scoring among those teams makes him a very interesting player indeed.

Bands We Were Supposed to Like

2011-02-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

It seems every two years or so another band comes out of no where that the music media picks as the next big thing. Thus they spend all their energy through glowing reviews and articles trying to convince us, the music loving public, that we should really be into this band. Now of course sometimes they're right, or at the very least partly right. Sometimes these groups that they hype up actually turn out to be decent if not pretty good.

Music is a subjective thing and it's harsh to completely attack a music journalist for his or her own personal views of a band. But so often it seems that legions of music journalists all pick the same band to trumpet and just as often it's simply unfolded like some sort of conspiracy. The band, for all its sparkling praise on music websites and in magazines, is really nothing special if not downright crap. (Kings Of Leon, I'm looking at you) Here are a few of those bands whose overblown hype has especially annoyed me over the years.

5. Death Cab For Cutie
From 1997 through 2003, Death Cab quietly went about their business, releasing three albums to little fanfare. The group originally began as a solo project by vocalist/guitarist Ben Gibbard while he was still a member of the band Pinwheel. While it's true that the band's very first EP, Something About Airplanes was favourably received in the independent music scene, it's also fair to say they hardly made a blip on the radar. Over the next few years, the band changed drummers twice and released two more recordings: We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes in 2000 and The Photo Album in 2001. The group would go on their first national tour across the U.S. in 2000 but they were hardly a big name at the time.

Things would begin to change towards the end of 2003 with the release of the album Transatlanticism. Teen drama The O.C. used a couple songs from the album and Six Feet Under, CSI: Miami and Californication soon followed. This got them noticed, the album started selling and soon they were signed to Atlantic records on November of 2004. Their followup to Transatlanticism and first release on a major record label, Plans, was highly anticipated and came out in 2005 and reached Gold status by 2006 - the same year I started hearing about them. They played on Saturday Night Live and began campaigning loudly for PETA. Their 2008 followup, Narrow Stairs, while representing a strong departure from their earlier style, was eaten up by critics and many even touted it as the album of the year.

Death Cab For Cutie certainly aren't a bad band by any stretch but Gibbard's supposedly "earnest" vocal style really grates on me and their melodies come across as overly simple. Sometimes when a song reaches its "C" part it just sounds like a mash of "A" and "B". Again, it's difficult to pinpoint what exactly it is about their music that bothers me but I wouldn't complain nearly so much if they didn't have so much critical and commercial success.

4. Modest Mouse

Formed way back in 1993, Modest Mouse underwent multiple personnel changes and released three records before their fourth, Good News for People Who Love Bad News, went platinum and put them on the map in 2004. This was particularly due to the success of the record's two singles "Float On" and "Ocean Breathes Salty". For the rest of that year, you really couldn't go anywhere without hearing these songs, particularly the catchy "Float On", a song whose repetitiveness still drives me crazy.

The success of Good News for People Who Love Bad News caused people to take a closer look at the band's previous work and their 2000 album The Moon & Antarctica, is today regarded with much critical acclaim even though I find it to be completely forgettable. Pitchfork.com seems to think it's the best alternative rock record of all time or something. Check out this embarrassing review. Whatever.

Late in 2004 the band played on Saturday Night Live (of course playing "Float On") and the album was nominated for the Best Alternative Rock Album award at the Grammys. Their 2007 followup, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, reached number one on the US Billboard chart and the band did a tour with REM in 2008. I'll confess I'm not familiar with any of the songs from that record but I'm truly glad they seem to have faded from the spotlight in the past few years because I was sick of hearing what a great band they are.

3. Arctic Monkeys
Bands like The Ramones and The Sex Pistols made not being able to play your instruments cool. Arctic Monkeys looked to continue that proud tradition and, for awhile, were highly touted as a band to watch. They gained their popularity mostly through the Internet, actually through fan-based websites. This led to their debut album, 2006's Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, becoming the fastest selling debut album by a British band in history. Seriously. Think about some of the bands the UK has produced and then read that statement over again.

It actually took them several years to release a record because they wouldn't play ball with any executive meddling, which is certainly something to be respected. By the time they finally signed with Domino in 2005, they'd become a highly coveted act in the music industry.

When the record hit the US it performed almost as well, becoming the second-fastest selling debut for an indie rock group in the country. Although critics in America were slightly more reserved in praising the band than their British counterparts, I'm sure not all the bullshit I heard about them came from overseas.

Their first single with Domino, "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" shot straight to number one on the British billboard chart when it was released in October of 2005. It's one of the most annoying rock songs I've ever heard, so of course critics ate it up. They were on the cover of NME a few months later and eventually the magazine declared Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not the fifth greatest British album of all time - I shit you not.

The best way I could describe their sound is "noise rock" with yammering vocals. Thankfully, their following albums, released in 2007 and 2009, didn't achieve nearly as much success and they've more or less fallen back into, I won't say obscurity but at least just moderate popularity. It had been quite awhile since a band with so little talent soared so high.

2. Interpol
Another band that Pitchfork lost their shit over (dubbing their debut album the best album of 2002), I first heard of Interpol from a friend who I lived with in the Roost at King's. While it's true that said friend is known for being...overly enthusiastic...about just about everything, I quickly found that he wasn't the only person full of glowing praise for this completely underwhelming band.

A major part of what is referred to the post-punk revival scene in New York City, Interpol formed in 1997, playing in the city, and from what I can figure, Paris. My friend explained it to me something like this: "They're a really awesome band and they could have signed and toured and become really big but they didn't wanna do any of that so they just play over in France." Right.

So anyway, after releasing some EP's and "keeping it real" in France or whatever, they finally signed with Matador Records in early 2002 and released a proper studio album, Turn on The Bright Lights, later that year. Critics seemed convinced that we were witnessing the next Joy Division (which I can assure you, was not the case) and orgasmed all over the place in their praise. The record didn't exactly explode but did manage to sell 300 000 copies by 2004. All the while, music publications did their best to tell us that we just weren't getting it because Interpol was definitely something special.

Their 2004 album, Antics, achieved Gold status in both the UK and US and all over again we got to hear about what an amazing ban Interpol was but it was just the same shit. How much do Interpol bug me? Well, let me put it this way: if you consider yourself a fan I want to punch you in the face.

1. Kula Shaker
Well, we've reached the top of the heap when it comes to overblown hype for a lame band. Surely you must remember these guys. I sure as hell do. It's also true that I've barely given them a thought over the past ten-plus years. But as soon the idea for this list began forming in my amazing brain, Kula Shaker rushed straight to the forefront of my thoughts.

Like in so many of my other lists, let's go back to the nineties for a moment. After the grunge movement of the earlier part of the decade, I would say that the biggest movement in rock was definitely Britpop. Stemming from the shoegazing school of the late eighties and very early nineties, bands like Blur and Oasis became absolutely huge in England and North America and, just as it had happened with grunge, record labels, music publications and fans all scrambled to find bands of a similar style. The Camden Town area of London in particular became a sort of musical centre for many of these bands. As Melody Maker, a popular English weekly newspaper declared: "Camden is to 1995 what Seattle was to 1992..."

And it was Kula Shaker that would earn the label of the next big thing in Britpop, just as the genre's popularity was beginning its decline. While bands like The Verve and Radiohead - previously overlooked during the height of the genre - started gaining real success and acclaim around 1996 heading into 1997 (with the release of Urban Hymns and OK Computer), Kula Shaker absolutely exploded out of the gate with their album K. It quickly went double-platinum and became the fastest-selling debut since Oasis's Definitely Maybe.

Their style was Hendrix-esque psychedelic rock which I guess everyone was really in the mood for at the time. They would win the "Breakthrough British Act" award at the BRIT Awards in 1997 while music publications on both sides of the pond fell all over themselves with praise. Even some rather unwise remarks about the Swawstika in an interview with some members of the UK music press (made by frontman Crispian Mills) couldn't stop the band's momentum. If anything, it only gained them more publicity. The album continued to sell like crazy while the band played the Glastonbury Festival, the V Festival and T in the Park, all to critical acclaim.

All through 1998, fans and critics masturbated with glee over Kula Shaker and their apparent masterpiece, K. They salivated over the news the new album would be released in the summer. But this didn't materialize and so the hype only grew. It wasn't until February of 1999 that the followup, Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts, dropped. And guess what? It pretty much bombed. Shocker. In fact the band fell so far so quickly that, shortly after playing at V99 as a last-minute replacement for Placebo, the great Kula Shaker broke up.

They would eventually reform in 2004 but by that point, I, like much of the rest of the world, had forgotten all about them. They remain together to this day and I couldn't care less. I certainly don't miss their loopy guitar riffs, excessive use of sitar and bullshit lyrics written in Sanskrit. What I don't miss most of all (couldn't I have just said it is what I miss the least? Oh well) is hearing about how great they're supposed to be.

Fast Food Worse For You Than The KFC Double Down

2011-02-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

Everyone’s been talking about this insane sandwich that KFC has put out. I argue you can’t have a sandwich, proper, without bread, but the concept of two pieces of chicken filled with sauce, cheese and bacon is certainly scintillating.

I haven’t had the chance to chomp down on one of these suckers yet, but I intend to. I decided to see if there was any fast food worse for you on the market and it turns out there are tons. What could be worse than this gluttonous monstrosity? Check it out.

Before we start, where does the double down stand? It weighs in at 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium.

I suggest you discontinue reading this if you’re hungry.

5. The Baconator

The Baconator was released in 2007 and has since become a staple of the Wendy’s fast food franchise. In an attempt to lure in 18-34 year old males that hate anything healthy, including veggies, they created a hamburger that was composed of two four ounce patties, two slices of American cheese, six strips of bacon and mayonnaise and ketchup for condiments.

It became very popular very quickly and is now offered in several variations, including a single patty, the original double patty and now an even more heart-stopping triple patty burger. There was also a special, limited edition Spicy Baconator which had pepperjack cheese, jalapeno peppers and chipotle sauce.

So how does the Baconator stack up against the Double Down? It has a whopping 830 calories, 60g of fat and 2260mg of sodium – and that’s just the original double patty version.

4. Double Whopper

Since it was first introduced in 1957, the Whopper has been one of the most popular and best known sandwiches in the fast food market – and the title sandwich of Burger King (known as “Home of the Whopper”) and their Australian restaurant Hungry Jacks.

The basic Whopper comes with lettuce, tomato, pickles, onion, mayo, ketchup and one quarter pound patty. It has been presented in a plethora of variations. A few highlights include:

The Pinata Whopper, with jalapeno peppers, nacho chips and hot sauce. They are inexplicably only sold in Sweden and Denmark.

The Mustard Whopper, which is simply mustard instead of mayo… I can’t imagine why that demands a special title.

The Alfresco Whopper, topped with avocado and aoli sauce instead of mayo and ketchup, as well as two slices of cheese and three slices of bacon (which sounds freakin’ delicious). This one is for the Hungry Jacks crowd.

The Meat Beast Whopper, loaded with bacon, cheese and pepperoni and only available in the US, UK and Ireland.

The Double Whopper is one of the basic variations on the class, including two patties instead of the standard one. Where does it stand in the nutrition race? It comes in with a whopping (teehee) 990 calories, 64g of fat and 1520mg of sodium.

I would’ve compared the original Whopper to the Double Down, but it didn’t quite exceed it in the sodium department. Here’s the score, just for those wondering: 670 calories, 39g of fat and 1020mg of sodium.

3. BK Original Chicken Sandwich

I figured I should compare a chicken sandwich, considering the basis of this list is from KFC. I’m not trying to pick on BK, but this was the first one that came to mind.

Introduced in 1978, the Original Chicken Sandwich was brought in to try and entice the young adult market that was willing to pay a little more for a better product. As per usual, BK was trying to fend off McDonald’s – the fast food giant – and also keep the then relatively young Wendy’s at bay.

It’s a simple sandwich: a fried chicken patty, mayo, lettuce on a Kaiser bun. It has also had a bunch of variations, but it has been my opinion over the years that they are all awful so I won’t be mentioning them here.

What’s the damage this baby will have on your heart? The OCS is loaded with 660 calories, 40g of fat and 1440mg of sodium.

2. Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese

You know I had bring up McDonald’s in this list. Personally my favourite (standard) sandwich they offer is the Double Quarter Pounder, so I wanted to research this one. I’ll let you know where the Big Mac stands at the end, because I’m sure you’re all wondering.

In the 70s McDonald’s started looking at some new menu items, again to bring in a new market share of young adults. During research they saw that there was a gap in men that wanted more meat in their meat to bun ratio, so the Quarter Pounder with Cheese was born. Its toppings are two four ounce patties, two slices of cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup and mustard.

As is always the case with men, adding a new patty is always a good idea, so a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese – as well as a Double Big Mac – were permanently added to the menu at a later date. Interesting note: McDonald’s has a sandwich known as “The Pounder” that is not on any menu, but can be asked for in several countries, which includes four patties, five pieces of cheese and the standard veggies and condiments. In Australia, you have to ask for a Double Quarter Pounder with two extra patties, but you can get the sandwich.

Wanna know what’s in the Double QP with cheese? It has 740 calories, 42g of fat and 1380mg of sodium.

For the Big Mac kids: 576 calories, 32.5g of fat and 742mg of sodium.

1. Wendy’s BLT Chicken Salad with Honey Dijon Dressing

The next time you're at Wendy's and you think, “Oh, I should just be healthy and have a salad,” you will think twice.

Although Wendy’s is just as much a burger joint as their major competitors Burger King, McDonald’s or A&W, they have attempted over the past few years a faux-healthy wing offering items like baked potato, chili (which is filled with burger meat, by the way) and salads. They were, however, the first restaurant to offer salads in 1979, which led to their Garden Sensations line in 2002.

One of the popular salads offered in this line is the BLT Chicken Salad with Honey Dijon Dressing. You might think that at least you’re having a salad instead of a burger and fries. Before I even outline the caloric destruction this salad offers, I want you to think about it for a second. This salad consists of lettuce, a chopped up fried chicken patty and honey dijon dressing. It’s basically a chicken sandwich with dijon mustard, sans the bread.

So where does the BLT salad stand: 720 calories, 50g of fat and 1610mg of sodium. It is basically worse than any of the single, original burgers and chicken sandwiches you can get at any of the fast food restaurants you probably frequent.

So, there you have it. Everyone is up in arms about the Double Down because it rocks two pieces of chicken instead of bread. The thing is, in comparison to the standard burgers you’ve eaten since you were a kid, the Double Down is actually – and I say this only in context – the healthier of the fast food choices. You can now feel no shame when you walk into a KFC and buy yourself this pseudo-sandwich.

MINI LIST: Ryan’s Favourite Films of 2010

2011-01-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

It’s 2011 and we’re one year away from John Cusack doing death-defying feats of amazement, like driving through massive earthquakes, or weaving in and out of volcanic eruptions in an airplane.

So, um, here are some of my favourite movies from 2010? Yeah.

5. Kick Ass

Oh great, here we go again with Kick Ass. What’s the big deal about this movie anyway? In short, Hit Girl. Honestly, there is a lot more going on in this movie than her, but she totally steals the show. I actually had a hard time placing this film in the number five slot over The Social Network, but in the end a little girl killing dozens of henchmen with blades and every variety of gun just beats a socially awkward super-rich geek every time. Wasn’t Nick Cage in this movie? You have some kind of Cage-fetish, don’t you? Why I see all of his movies, I can’t really tell you. He actually did a good enough job in this movie except I wasn’t sure what to think of the scene where he’s tied to the chair (no spoilers!). That was just so disturbing. Did you read the comics? They were so much better! No, I didn’t read the comics. About to blow all the comic fanboy minds here: not a fan of Romita Jr’s art. That and, well, I didn’t really know much about it until the movie buzz. Maybe someday…
Excited for the sequel? Hell yes. Best Kick Ass tagline? Sickening violence, just the way you like it!

4. Iron Man 2

That came out last year? Yeah, in May. Somehow it feels like it came out forever ago. You a big Iron Man fan? No, not really. Honestly, most of the Avenger crowd doesn’t tickle my fancy. The movies are great though, and Downey Jr. is a perfect Tony Stark. If you’re not a big fan, why’d you like this flick so much? It was fun, exciting and action-packed, I guess. Like I said, I’m not a huge Iron Man fan, so it was easy for me to like something like this. Plus it had Stark’s bitchin’ suit case armour! What’d you think of War Machine? Not that I thought that Terrence Howard was a good pick in the first film, but Don Cheadle? That’d be my biggest gripe about this flick – Jim Rhodes is supposed to be a big, jacked dude. The producers definitely dropped the ball on that one. Coolest part of the movie? Drunken armour wars.

3. The Expendables

Is this the true return to “old school” action? I suppose. I find, personally, that a lot of action films coming out lately have simplified their storylines to deliver “wham-bam-thankya-ma’am” action. This was definitely the best of the new crop, though. Stallone’s getting up there. Could he keep up with today's young guys? You’d best believe. He might not have that many more action films in him, but he was great in this. If he decides to quit acting in them he should definitely continue writing, directing and producing them for sure. Are there too many big “names” in this movie? In a way, yes. Not that there are too many actors trying to “steal the scene” or something, but some people were a bit under-used. I’d definitely like to see a sequel that focuses on a few more characters. I heard Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in it. Is that true? It is indeed the truth. Bruce, Arnold and Sly are all in a scene together! There isn’t much, though. It was still very cool. Too bad Arnold’s basically said he won’t be doing any more action films though, because I’d love to see him in a sequel. So, will there be an Expendables 2? I think Sly and his gang would be silly not to! And this time, convince Jean Claude to join in!

2. Tron: Legacy

How long has it been since Tron was first released? Just 28 years, is all. Do you think the time in between the films helped this one? It certainly didn’t hurt it. I mean if they’d made a Tron sequel before now, it might’ve been decent. I think today’s technology definitely helped with Legacy. So, how are those special effects? Top notch. They fall into the “blew me away” category. If I had to think of movies in the last few years that really sucked me into their world with the special effects the only two that come to mind are Avatar and Tron: Legacy. Did the 3D ruin it? Everything is in 3D these days! The 3D for Legacy was handled so well. I think that a lot of movies that come out have 3D tacked on as an afterthought. Tron: Legacy did this great thing where it was in 3D for specific scenes and 2D when that third dimension didn’t do anything for the film. Do you want to see more Tron? I would love more Tron. I truly hope they don’t wait another 28 years for a sequel!

1. Inception

Is this movie over-hyped? I don’t know. By now, probably. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie, though. It was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a decade. So, what’s it about? I wouldn’t want to give anything away, but the basic premise is about how people who have the technology to enter a person’s mind via their dreams. Why is it called Inception? The film follows a man named Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, who is basically a dream thief. He steals thoughts in what is called an extraction. The most impossible task to perform in someone’s mind, however, is not to steal a thought, but to implant an idea, otherwise known as inception. Is it all just a big CG gimmick? No, this movie has fantastic visuals and they play a major part of the story, but the story is where this movie truly shines. It’s very layered and warrants multiple watches. Leo DiCaprio is on quite the roll, huh? Yes he is, that is until he ruins Akira (sigh), although I think he’s next portraying J. Edgar Hoover and after that Dr. H.H. Holmes in The Devil in the White City, which I think is particularly interesting. You might have to look that last one up.

MINI-LIST: Cole's Favourite Movies of 2010

2011-01-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

2010 wasn't exactly a banner year for movies for me so expect a list of a much cooler year coming soon. But I know certain parties are still curious about my picks so here they are.

I'm glad Shane decided to go with the MINI-LIST format for this one as I really don't have a lot to say (for once). I'm even going to rip off his questions for the most part. Let's do it.

5. The Expendables

How would you describe the movie in five words? Testosterone, testosterone, testosterone, guns, testosterone. Why did it make the list? Well, it does feature Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and a host of other well known ass kickers of fine cinema. That alone is an achievement. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Dolph Lundgren!!! What didn't you like about it? No Jean-Claude. So sad. What surprised you most? For some reason, I didn't think Steve Austin would be playing a bad guy. But he does a fair job of it.

4. Kick-Ass

Why doesn't Roger Ebert like this movie? Apparently, because he finds it overly violent. Do you agree with him? Do I ever? (besides Dark City, I mean) So you don't agree with him here? Oh, I agree with him - it's overly violent. But I think that's a very good thing. What surprised you most? Just how good the soundtrack is - it blends wonderfully with the action. Does the movie cross a moral line by having a prepubescent girl running around killing people? I don't think so because she's killing bad people. People always freak out when minors are shown doing ANYTHING in movies. It's ridiculous. And besides, in the case of Hit Girl, it's rather...far fetched. So gimme a break.

3. TRON: Legacy

Is it a worthy sequel to TRON? I would say absolutely. Sometimes having a gap of many years between sequels can really be advantageous. In this case, it really helps the story. Is this the best-looking movie you've seen in 2010? Without a doubt. What surprised you the most? The ending, I think. Not that there's a big twist or anything. Was that Cillian Murphy in the scene in the boardroom? Yeah. Maybe he was passing by the set and they asked him over. Is this a better film than its predecessor? No. They're actually quite difficult to compare, really. The concepts in TRON were foreign to about 95% of its audience when it was released. TRON: Legacy tries to push this envelope too but it can't go as far by virtue of the technology-oriented world we live in these days. It's not like 1982 was SO primitive, it's just that back then only a handful of people really understood where technology was going, I think - any movie from the eighties that tried to accurately predict what the world would be like in twenty years or so was way off. But it seems to me that the average person today has at least some sort of grasp of what the next twenty years will realistically bring with regards to technology.
It's the Age of Information after all. Concepts discussed in TRON: Legacy really don't seem that out of reach.

2. Scott Pilgrim VS The World

Is this movie based on you? Pretty much, yeah. Well, that is, it's based on a comic that is based on me. When are you going to start seeing some money for this? Any day now, I'm sure. So you have an X-Men patch on your jacket? No, they changed that. I have a BPRD patch. I guess they figured X-Men was more recognizable. Would you really date a chick with so much baggage? Dude, I ONLY date chicks with that much baggage. Halifax: Threat or Menace? Definitely Menace. You'll see.

1. Batman: Under The Red Hood

Waitaminute! This movie wasn't even released in theatres! What do you think you're doing? Stating my favourite movie of 2010. I don't recall any rules besides date of release. It's a 2010 release so bite me. Ok, smart guy - so what's so great about it? It's extremely faithful to the comic arc on which it is based (what a concept!) - Judd Winick, who wrote the comics, did the script - , the voicework is topnotch, the animation is fantastic, Gotham looks just like it should...I could go on. Anything you DIDN'T like about it, fanboy? While the voicework is great, of course I would have preferred having Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill - all the other actors I'm fine with, even the guy playing Gordon. So who is the Red Hood? You can't be serious. Will this open the door for more animated movies based on awesome story arcs? God, I hope so.

MINI-LIST: Shane's Favourite Movies of 2010

2011-01-12T23:41:00.000-08:00

Even though I saw fewer films than usual last year I figured I'd be ruining an annual tradition if I didn't mention my favourites of 2010. I'm hoping my fellow listers will draw attention to their favourites as well. Enjoy the mini-list.

5. Toy Story 3

How would you describe the movie in five words? The Great Escape with toys. Why did it make your list? It's a satisfying and entertaining conclusion to one of the best trilogies around. Pixar never fails to impress with their quality of characters and story. What was your favourite thing about the movie? The way these CG toys convey more humanity and emotion than many real people in live action films do. What didn't you like about it? That the film keeps building and building to the escape portion, but it turns out to be a retread of the escape from Sid's house' from the first Toy Story, and it just wasn't nearly as interesting. What surprised you most? Just how dark and depressing some parts get. The villains are truly evil and sadistic, and some - like the baby doll - are really creepy. This may be a bit traumatizing to younger kids, but I'm ultimately glad Pixar doesn't pull any punches.

4. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

How would you describe the movie in five words? Super geeky pop culture attack. Why did it make your list? It's a fun, high energy story of love and physical confrontation. It may be the most visually interesting film of the year; every shot has something cool to look at. Plus, it has hilarious, enjoyable characters. What was your favourite thing about the movie? That it takes place in Canada. It was filled with little nods to Canadian culture, and I cracked up whenever Scott defeated a foe and they would explode into loonies and toonies flying everywhere. What didn't you like about it? Well, some of the fights with the 7 deadly ex's aren't quite as cool as that first battle. What surprised you most? That I wasn't tired of Michael Cera playing the same sort of quiet character again, though maybe it had something to do with his inexplicable ability to uppercut people into the stratosphere.

3. Tangled

How would you describe the movie in five words? Chick with magical hair sings. Why did it make your list? It's easily the best animated film Disney has put out in some time (excluding Pixar's work for them). The scenery and design of the film is gorgeous and with compelling characters and story, snappy dialogue, and a rich score, it had everything I had hoped. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Watching the trailers would lead you to believe that Rapunzel's pet chameleon was going to be the comic relief as the typical animal sidekick. Instead a horse with an unwavering sense of justice steals every scene he's in. What didn't you like about it? Not enough of that horse, of course. What surprised you most? I went to the movie not knowing it would be a musical much like Disney's heyday of the late 80's and early 90's. The songs are fantastic and I was pleasantly surprised.

2. Inception

How would you describe the movie in five words? Russian stacking doll brain fuck. Why did it make your list? I could go on for many paragraphs on why I like this movie, but this is a mini-list, so I'll just say that I'm amazed with the story Christopher Nolan has crafted. He's produced another astonishing movie with style, substance, and thrills. What was your favourite thing about the movie? I just love all the ways you can interpret the story. As far as I can tell, there are the events of the film as we see them, the events as they really happened, and then a third layer of how the movie is experienced by the audience. Each element is significant, but they stand alone. It's entertaining at face value, but it gives you plenty to analyze and think about as you watch again. What didn't you like about it? I just wasn't digging the James Bond-esque snowy mountain facility sequence. What surprised you most? That many people hate this movie or call it boring. How can you not enjoy a dream heist that includes things like shifting gravity fights? It's an original movie that demands your attention, and I have no idea how that's boring.

1. Black Swan

How would you describe the movie in five words? Ballerina perfectionist loses her shit. Why did it make your list? It's a haunting, suspenseful, spellbinding movie about a woman who's pushed physically and mentally over the edge by a passion for perfection. The movie manages to be frighteningly beautiful and mixes together unsettling moments of dread and sexual energy. I was strangely turned on one moment, and then horrified the next, and I loved it. What was your favourite thing about the movie? Natalie Portman, who stands out with easily my favourite performance of the year. It's amazing what she achieves to believably play a world class ballet dancer. The physical demands of the role aside, her character is so tragic and intense that there's no looking away. What didn't you like about it? Nothing comes to mind. I'm too busy thinking about watching it again. What surprised you most? That my top movie is about ballet. Well, it's really about much more than that. If you've been hesitant over seeing it because of the subject matter, please ignore that and dive in; it's a modern masterpiece of psychological horror.

Best Comedy Christmas Songs

2010-12-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sure, Christmas songs get us in the holiday spirit, but Comedy Christmas songs achieve the same thing while entertaining us on another level. For that reason, I decided to compile this list. May you be filled with yuletide laughter.

5. 12 Days of Christmas - Foster Brooks

For nearly 50 years the irreplaceable Foster Brooks entertained the world, and made his mark in comedy with his hilarious lovable drunk persona. If you're not familiar with Mr. Brooks, I would recommend a quick youtube search and you'll be laughing all day. Though he was mostly known for his various television appearances, his take on this classic Christmas carol is pure genius. It starts a little slow, but as Foster becomes more and more hammered with each verse, there's no denying that he was a master at his own unique craft. It continues to leave me in stitches each time I listen. Merry Christmas, Foster Brooks, you're the drunken relative we all wish we had.

4. Chiron Beta Prime - Jonathan Coulton

Jonathan is an artist I've only recently gotten into in recent years, but he is quickly climbing the list of my favourite songwriters. He usually writes songs that focus on science fiction, technology, and other nerdy subjects mixed with various genres. Personally, the more I listen to him, the more I feel like he's been inspired by the likes of Weird Al and Ben Folds. If you're still unsure if you'd like his music, he did write the song "Still Alive" that appeared at the end of the amazing video game, Portal.

So anyway, this Christmas song is written like a Christmas card from a family enslaved by robots on a mining asteroid. It's hilarious and mad catchy.

3. Christmastime - The Arrogant Worms

One of the first songs I ever heard by the Worms, I remember distinctly listening to it on CBC radio around Christmas. These guys are no stranger to writing funny holiday songs, they even have a Christmas album in their sizable discography. Still with so many to choose from, this one stands out for it's energetic chorus and the delivery of lines like "Hey Mr. Santa Claus, I believe in you because, you've got more credibility that any doctor, cop, or lawyer!"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the song in any video to embed here (which may be a part of the internet's effort to keep us Canadians down), so I'm going to make you do extra work and listen to it on their website. Click the play button for holiday cheer!

2. The Night Santa Went Crazy - "Weird Al" Yankovic

I didn't want two songs by the same artist on the list, but I seriously considered Weird Al's other festive gem, "Christmas at Ground Zero" for its clever lyrics before finally choosing his other dark Christmas song. While it does make me feel old knowing the song is 15 years old already, I'll never forget listening to it for the first time and being shocked by its violent lyrics and then laughing my head off over the destruction of the North Pole and the gruesome demise of most of Santa's reindeer.

Please enjoy the extra gory version of the song posted below. I think you'll agree that nothing says Christmas like rocking out to Santa turning mad. I think you can also agree the story it tells would make one hell of a movie.

1. There Are Much Worse Things - Stephen Colbert and Elvis Costello

Colbert's 2008 TV special, "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All" was a impressive bit of holiday fun filled to the brim with funny and well-written Christmas songs. I've since watched and listened to the songs dozens of times, but it's the final tune of the special that sticks with me the most. You may click and listen to it here.

The more I listen to the song, the more I appreciate all the different things it has to say. It begins by addressing the state of Christmas; how it's become the "cheesy crass commercial travesty" we know today that seems to be devoid of any religious significance. It then pokes fun at the importance we put on Christmas, as if it will solve all our problems at the end of the year and we will find "the answer to all sorrows in a box beneath the tree".

From there Stephen and Elvis sing of faith, cynicism, knowledge, and hopeful optimism. For me the song captures so many different feelings about the holidays and life that I feel you could easily write whole essays about it. And yes, while it may not be laugh out loud hilarious, it still is at heart a comedy song. It's sincere and beautiful, and as someone who celebrates Christmas without having any interest in going to church or being religious, it feels especially meaningful to that modern mentality. You may believe in everything, nothing, or things that are empty to others, but if it makes you happy then maybe that's all that matters, because ... after all, there are much worse things.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas Traditions Explained

2010-12-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

Last year I outlined a list of Weird Christmas Traditions from around the world. This year I thought I’d take a better look at some of the traditions that most Christians take part in every year and may not have any clue as to why.

Also, to our non-Christian, anti-Christmas readers: Merry/Happy Whatever!

5. Christmas Lights

During the Christmas holidays lighting a person’s house or trees – which we’ll get to later – is one of the most common practices of the Christian faithful. Houses are adorned, inside and out, with bright coloured or white lights from front to back.

So where did the tradition come from?

As you may or may not know, the Christian religion wasn’t always in the state it is today. There was a time where Christians were persecuted for their beliefs and had to hide in secret to congregate and profess their faith.

During these hard times Early Christians would light a candle in the window of the building they were performing a mass in, so that other Christians would know the location.

Now, as any good little history buff knows, the Christian religion is a conglomeration of many faiths. Winter solstice traditions, which were a mainstay of Pagan religions, are where most of our Christmas traditions take root.

Winter for the Pagans was a dark, horrible time of the year. During the colder months they had to hope that their food stores held out, survive the bitterly cold days and nights, and generally deal with the grief of those whom died during the winter – of which there were many. A celebration during these months helped to uplift spirits and break the bleak depression of the winter.

The Winter solstice celebrations – held on the darkest day of the year - included most of the merry-making we enjoy today, like a big feast with family and friends, gift-giving, and the burning of a large log in the hearth. This not only offered heat for the home, but represented the sun – which would return after the dark days. This tradition would become the “Yule” log and would be the basis of lighting candles in homes (for decoration, that is) and – in turn – for those horribly tangled LED lights you curse out every year as you staple them to your house.

4. Eggnog

What we call eggnog today is a drink that is heavily milk-based, contains loads of sugar, and - as per its name - contains eggs. It has a yellowish colour and depending on the level of milk used in the mix - from low-fat to downright cream - it can be very thick and creamy. Although these days you see people that just drink the nog, it is often mixed with some kind of liquor and served at social gatherings around the holidays.

So where did the tradition come from?

In days-gone-by milk and eggs had no "shelf life". There were no refrigerators! They were also costly. The only people that really had access to them were dairy and egg farmers, and the upper crust of society whom owned all the farms.

In an effort to keep the milk products they would be mixed with different liquors, including sherry and brandy. Eventually this became a treat that was enjoyed at many aristocratic social gatherings.

So why nog? That is a topic of debate by historians. There are several hypothesis, though. One includes that eggnog would often be mixed with rum or grog. The idea is that the term egg n' grog eventually became eggnog. Another idea is that eggnog would have once been drunk from a noggin - a wooden, carved mug used to serve booze back in the day. The drink might've been called an egg noggin and eventually shortened.

The mystery doesn't stop there, I'm afraid. Why do we drink it around the Christmas holidays? Well, there's no good reason. Like I mentioned before, eggnog was often enjoyed at social gatherings by the aristocrats. The belief is that over time it just became vogue to drink eggnog around Christmas and New Year's and that just eventually became the convention.

3. Mistletoe

Mistletoe, in regards to the Christmas decoration, is known as Viscus album in the UK. In NA a different form of mistletoe is used to adorn homes during the holidays, known as Phoradendron seritonum. It's a hemi-parasitic plant. Yeah, that's right. Plants can be parasites, too. Mistletoe actually survives by stealing sustenance from other plants.

So where did the tradition come from?

This one goes as far back as the Norse, at least. You see mistletoe, for some reason or another, has been linked to male virility for a very long time. In Norse mythology a mistletoe arrow was described as having killed Baldr, god of love and happiness. There are also descriptions of a sword made of mistletoe itself. If you don't get it, look up phallus.

Even in pre-Christian Europe mistletoe was considered a sign of male essence. Want to know why? Because when the berries are crushed up, they resemble semen. Yeah, bet you wish I didn't go there.

So how does this translate to the kissing Christmas decoration we know so well? The exact reasons aren't known, although it is again an extension of the male virility and fertility history of the plant, but as early as the 1820s there is literature that describes the use of mistletoe as a Christmas staple.

It would be cut from the bush and then hung in the home around Christmas Eve. It must then stay there and not touch the ground until Candlemas - a Christian feast that is held on February 2nd. It was believed that it could protect the home from lightning or fire, which I have no idea why; silly superstitious 19th Century Christians.

The tradition of kissing is an extension of mistletoe's history as some weird phallic/male symbol, as young men could steal a kiss from the girl they were courting as long as they removed a berry from the bush. Once the berries were gone, the plant no longer held its spell.

I won't make any comments about that one.

2. Christmas Trees

The main decoration in a Christian's home around Christmas is the Christmas tree. It is adorned with lights, decorations, and in some traditions gifts, candies and fruit. At the top of most Christmas trees is a star, which depicts the Star of Bethlehem, but what started the tradition of people dragging perfectly good Evergreen trees into their homes?

So where did the tradition come from?

As far as we can tell from our history books, the Germans came up with the Christmas tree. In around the year 700, St. Boniface - in an attempt to fight off the pre-existing beliefs in Norse mythology - cut down a representation of the tree of Thor. Years later he found a fir tree growing in the roots of the old oak and saw it as a sign from God. He is quoted as saying, "... let Christ be at the centre of your households..." and from then on the tradition of taking a fir tree into one's home at Christmas began.

It is also recorded that in Estonia, circa 15th and 16th centuries, that a tree would be taken into the town square nearing the end of the Christmas holiday. It would be adorned and was the centre for dancing and singing. On the final night of reverie it would be burned and there would be a celebration held around the fire.

In a sort of amalgamation of traditions, families would take trees into their homes and decorate them, and would also light them with candles. It would remain a Germanic tradition for many years. It was customary in earlier times for the family to decorate the tree and hide it from the children for several days before Christmas eve, when it would finally be revealed.

The Christmas tree was actually considered a Protestant tradition, as were many of the Germanic Christmas traditions. It would be adopted by the Roman Catholics around the 16th and 17th centuries simply because it could not be stopped.

Today instead of candles on a large, dried out piece of wood, we take a safer route to light our trees… we plug sixty or so strings of lights into one socket, wrap them around our trees and stare glossy-eyed at all the pretty lights.

1. Santa Claus

Where to even begin?

Santa Claus has become the iconic image of Christmas, much to the dismay of the Catholic church. Seems there was a rather iconic birth on Christmas day as well. Although we consider the image of a plump, jolly bearded fellow in a red suit to be the definitive version of Santa Claus, that is just one of the many versions that exist all over the world of whom was once known as the Sinterklaas.

So where did the tradition come from?

The most common history associated with Santa Claus is that he is a legend based on St. Nicholas – a devout Catholic who lived in what is known as modern day Turkey. He is best known for giving gifts to the poor and even saving three young women from being made into prostitutes by giving their father a hefty dowry in their names. What a nice guy, huh?

Images of the man - known as Sinterklass to the Dutch and surrounding countries - certainly fit the part with a long beard and adorned robes, however this is but the roots of what would become the man we know so fondly as Santa.

In the UK he’s known as Father Christmas, and although very similar to our Santa Claus, he generally wears robes and is reported to live somewhere in Poland, not like the American Santa that lives in a perpetually wintry North Pole.

He is often reported to have some kind of magic at his disposal. In North America he lives with elves and several magic reindeer that help him to deliver presents to all the good little girls and boys in just one night. In Nordic countries he rides a magical goat to deliver his presents. The goat is actually the Yule Goat, which was once the reported gift-giver of the Nords, but over the centuries has merged with the St. Nicholas character.

In 1843 the man himself made an appearance in Charles Dickens’ famous novel A Christmas Carol as the "Ghost of Christmas Present". It’s a far cry from what we call Santa, but you can see that he’s a plump, bearded man that represents the festivities of Christmas.

There is a common misconception that the red-suited Santa is just a clever marketing campaign started by Macy’s and now owned by Coca-Cola. Although Macy’s definitely uses the image of Santa in their holiday marketing, as does Coca-Cola, they do not own the image of Santa Claus. Santa is the very essence of public domain. This common myth came about because Macy’s has Santa appear at the end of their Thanksgiving Day parade to mark the beginning of the Christmas season, and Santas have famously appeared at their store for many generations. There’s also the film A Miracle on 34th Street, which involves Macy’s and Santa Claus. This is just ingenious holiday marketing.

The same goes for Coke. The image they use on their holiday packaging may be trademarked, but they do not own the man in the red suit. There is a belief that it’s because of Coke that Santa’s suit is red, not its original green colour. The truth is that the red suit was first depicted by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly (1863) and has nothing to do with Coca-Cola – although it is a very opportune coincidence that Coke has capitalized on.

There are a great many other depictions of Santa in all different countries and religions the world over. The fact is that Santa is a representation of the good cheer and celebration of the Christmas season. So, to you and yours I wish a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Greatest Hartford Whalers

2010-12-13T01:05:00.000-08:00

"Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford - "The Whale" - they only beat Vancouver, once, maybe twice in a lifetime." - Brody Bruce, Mallrats

In their nearly eighteen years of existence as an NHL franchise (1979-1997), the Hartford Whalers didn't exactly set the league on fire. If I had to pick one word that best sums up what they'll be most remembered for, that word would be "mediocrity". They failed to reach the playoffs in ten seasons and only made it past the first round once. They were knocked out five times by the Montreal Canadiens, twice by the Boston Bruins and once by fellow WHA imports the Quebec Nordiques, who are also the team their lone playoff round victory came against in 1986. Altogether they had three winning seasons.

The Whalers were one of four teams that merged with the NHL after the WHA went under. In that league, they'd been the New England Whalers, one of the most successful teams. They won the league's first ever championship and actually lasted as a franchise all the way to the WHA's demise in 1979 - something only the other teams moving on to the NHL with it had achieved. Most WHA franchises lasted about three or four years, sometimes moving several times before ultimately folding.

But in the NHL the Whalers were basically punching bags in the early eighties (although they did actually make the playoffs in 1980 - their first season in the league), graduating into also-rans in the latter half of the decade and early nineties before receding into the league's basement in their final years. They'll never be associated with greatness.

But they still had a few pretty great players over the years. This list, which turned out to be way more difficult than I was expecting, honours those players who were the greatest within the context of being Hartford Whalers. That is, they'll be judged on what they brought to the team in their time there and nothing else. I mean obviously, Bobby Hull is one of the all time best left wingers, but his nine games with the Whalers in their first NHL season as a forty year old isn't exactly going to put him in their hall of fame. So here are the greatest to ever wear the Blue, White and Green as I see them.

note: You'll notice that each entry on this list represents one of the five positions in the game. I can assure you this is sheer coincidence and didn't affect my selections.

5. Geoff Sanderson, #8 LW (1991-97)
Selected in the second round of the 1990 draft with their second pick after Mark Greig (who, after three seasons of being unable to crack the Whalers on a consistent basis, was traded), Sanderson was the last high draft pick to ever make a sustained impact in Hartford. He was still on the team for their final season before relocating to Carolina and led them in goals and points that year.

A speedster with a nose for the net, Sanderson scored 189 goals in 439 games as a Whaler. This puts him fifth on the all-time goal-scoring list. Some might wonder why I'd include him over Pat Verbeek, who with 192 goals in 433 games scored slightly more in slightly less time. Verbeek also had more points overall than him (403 to Sanderson's 352) by virtue of getting significantly more assists. But the fact is Sanderson was more of a pure scorer - he had more goals than assists as a Whaler and also finished his career with more g's than a's, a rare trait. Both players had two forty-goal seasons in Hartford but Verbeek had his playing alongside one of the best set-up men of all time, Ron Francis. Sanderson arrived the season after Francis's (in)famous trade to Pittsburgh. While Sanderson got to work with a talented playmaker in Andrew Cassels (my favourite Whaler ever), there's really no comparison.

Sanderson only got to play in two playoff series as a Whaler, three games as a callup when he was eighteen in 1991 then seven games in his rookie season when he was nineteen. He scored one goal in that series against the Montreal Canadiens. But if the Whalers hadn't been so brutal from 1992 through 1997, he would've gotten more.

4. Ulf Samuelsson, #5 D (1984-91)
One of the toughest Swedes to ever play the game, Samuelsson was another Hartford draft pick, taken 67th overall in 1982. A physical, stay at home defenceman, his main job was making life miserable for his opponents and he was good at it. While Dave Babych provided offence from the blueline, Samuelsson (who actually enjoyed his best offensive totals as a Whaler) provided defensive responsibility and snarl, averaging around 170 penalty minutes a season. In 86/87, he posted an extremely impressive plus/minus of +28 and +23 in 88/89 - not easily done on a team like Hartford.

He was there for five straight playoff seasons; the closest thing to "glory days" that the Whalers can boast as an NHL franchise and he was part of the biggest trade in team history when he, along with Ron Francis was dealt to the Pittsburgh Penguins, where he would win Cups and establish himself as an elite shutdown defender. Samuelsson makes this list because he was unique - there really was no other Hartford Whaler like him.

3. Mike Liut, #1 G (1985-90)
Perhaps the most underrated goalie of his generation, Liut was the man between the pipes for the Whalers when they were at their best. Starting his career as a St. Louis Blue, he was drafted in 1976, three years before the Whalers were in the NHL. But in an interesting twist, the New England Whalers did in fact draft him in the WHA draft (it was common for players to be drafted by teams in both leagues during the WHA's existence) at nearly the same position as the Blues selected him (fiftieth overall rather than fifty-sixth).

When you're talking about the Hartford Whalers, really, there are only two goaltenders who should be in the discussion: Mike Liut and Sean Burke. But Burke never played a single playoff game as a Whaler and I think Liut's numbers are just more impressive. He had three twenty-win seasons to Burke's two, 13 shutouts to Burke's 10 and holds the record for wins in a season with 31. The season he did that (86/87) he also led the entire league in shutouts with 4 (that's eighties hockey for you). Liut is the franchise leader in wins with 115 - all this despite having played fewer games than Burke.

It was largely due to Liut's heroics that in the 1986 playoffs, the Whalers pushed the eventual Cup champion Montreal Canadiens all the way to overtime in Game Seven. This was after Liut was in the net for the team's ONLY playoff series victory, against the Quebec Nordiques in the round before.

I have absolutely no idea why the Whalers traded him in 1990 but I suppose it did work out for the best (sort of) because he would develop back problems that would eventually force him to retire.

2. Kevin Dineen, #11 RW (1984-91, 1995-97)
The Whalers selected Dineen with their third pick in the 1982 draft, just before Samuelsson. Actually, it's become pretty apparent that the '82 draft was definitely the best for the Whalers. Even though their first two picks (Paul Lawless, 14th and Mark Paterson, 35th) were misses, with their next three they snagged Dineen, Samuelsson and Ray Ferraro, who would make this list if it was a top ten.

Dineen, something of an undersized power forward at 5'11, 190 pounds, made an immediate impact as a rookie, scoring 25 goals in only 57 games. The following year he was also limited to 57 games but popped in 33 goals. Over the next four seasons, he would always score at least 25, twice eclipsing 40. He always put up over a hundred penalty minutes each season, including 217 in 87/88. He led the team in goal-scoring three times (sharing the lead with Ron Francis in 87/88) and was always a solid contributor in the playoffs.

He was traded to the Flyers early in the 91/92 season and performed much the same there, although his scoring did come down a bit. The Flyers even made him captain - a post he hadn't held as a Whaler - for the 93/94 season. He was traded back to Hartford during the 95/96 season and was there for the Whalers's last ever season of 96/97 as team captain. At thirty-two, he scored a very respectable 19 goals and was fourth in team scoring, also collecting 141 penalty minutes.

When the Whalers became the Carolina Hurricanes the following year, Dineen became that franchise's first ever captain. He finished as Hartford's second all-time points leader.

1. Ron Francis, #10 C (1982-91)
As I've said, this list turned out to be surprisingly difficult to come up with. Players like Pat Verbeek, Blaine Stoughton (four 40 goal seasons as a Whaler including two over 50), Ray Ferraro and my buddy Andrew Cassels (third on the all-time assists list) were all great Whalers who deserved careful consideration. But I'm pretty sure I made the right choices. That said, selecting number one was ridiculously easy and I never had any doubts. The greatest Hartford Whaler of all time is #10, Ron Francis.

Like Dineen, Francis would experience being traded away from the Whalers then years later coming back to the organization that had drafted him (fourth overall in the 1981 draft). But by then they were the Carolina Hurricanes. Even though he was pretty old for a player by then (thirty-five) he was his amazing, consistent self and cemented himself as the best player ever to play for the franchise in either NHL incarnation. So of course he's the best Whaler. No contest.

In his second NHL season as a nineteen year old (after putting up 68 points in only fifty-nine games as a rookie), Francis led the Whalers in scoring with 90 points. While his 59 assists were wholly indicative of the kind of player he was, the 31 goals may have been a tad misleading. In his twenty-three NHL seasons (over which he missed very few games), he would only hit the thirty goal mark three times, all while with the Whalers. The 32 he scored in 89/90 was his career high. It was also the year of his career high points total as a Whaler - 101. He would actually have 119 points (with a ridiculous career high assist mark of 92) in 95/96 but that was with a high-powered Pittsburgh Penguins squad that included Petr Nedved, Jaromir Jagr and of course, Mario Lemieux.

But in Hartford, Francis was the guy. He led them in scoring four times and was leading them when he was traded in 1991. Every other year he was either second or third on the team and he ALWAYS led them in assists. Because helpers were really his game. He piled up 557 of them in 714 games as a Whaler which is more than any other Whaler's career point total (Dineen had 503). While he was never a big goal scorer, Francis still consistently put up over twenty each year, bringing his career points as a Whaler to 821. Do the math on that (or just let me) and you'll see that his points per game average in Hartford was an excellent 1.14. He also holds the team record for most assists in a single season with 69 in 89/90 and averaged close to 60 a year.

A truly classy individual, Francis didn't win any of his three Lady Byng Trophies in his time in Hartford but he still played much the same then - putting up mostly modest to low penalty minute totals while playing at an extremely high level. In his nine plus seasons as a Whaler he was captain for six. His inclusion in a blockbuster trade to Pittsburgh in 1991 (which also sent Samuelsson, remember) really marked the beginning of the end for anything positive for the team while they were still in Hartford. The 1992 playoffs the following year would be the team's last ever trip to the post season before relocating to Carolina. For the Penguins, Francis proved to be the missing piece of the puzzle and they would win the Stanley Cup that very season (90/91) and again the next with him playing a huge role both times.

Like pretty much any Whaler, Francis never got to do much in the playoffs with the team but his numbers there are good, if not great. While he would win his Cups with another team and eventually return to the franchise as a Hurricane (and be captain once again) the NHL's FOURTH LEADING SCORER (and second in assists after a guy named Gretzky) will always be remembered as Mr. Whaler.